A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend *lets call him Tyler) for 3 years. He proposed to me last month but since then we just seem to argue. He purposefully does and says thing to get reactions and when i snap he goes in a really childish huff. I just don't know what to do.My friends have said that since i have been with him since i was 17 maybe i should tell him i need a break and start dating other men to see if Tyler is really the guy for me. I really thought he was the one. I've known him since i was 12, he is my best friend, i trust him, we have been through a lot and come through stronger, our families get on well, we are intimate but we just seem to argue.He made a really offensive joke followed by "well maybe i thought about going back to hers" and i instinctively slapped him, i was about to apologies when he slapped me back. Its the first time he's raised his hand and i know he didn't mean it, hes from an abusive past and even though i've been raised being told, "if a man even threatens to raise his hand to you, you get out of that relationship as soon as possible" but i love him.Am i an idiot?Should i date other people?ORShould i just leave him? I really need help, many thanks !
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2015):
 I have mixed feelings about him slapping
you back. On one hand , I am just horrified ; he gets no free passes to act like a troglodite because of his abusive past . If any, his abusive past should have taught him to not do unto others etc.etc.
On the other hand- you hit him first !! For no reason at all ! Instinctively, my foot ! Who the hell do you think you are, that you can just up and charge like a demented bull if you hear something that you don't like , a joke in bad taste, a crude remark etc. ?
If this is how you react " instinctively ",... your insticts are off and you can get into a lot of trouble in life.
Anyway : yes you should break up. You slap him,he slaps you, you fight all the time,... I mean, seriously ?...
And this thing about proposing . He proposed you what, marriage ? Pointless. You propose marriage when there's a reasonable possibility that a marriage can actually take place within a reasonable time frame, which , pardon me , but I doubt that can happen at 17. In other words, proposing is not JUST about the intentions , it's about the actual feasibility of your project.
Basically, you are still two kids playing grown ups and trying to handle things for which you are still too immature and " instinctual "- like a balanced, adult relationship.
Give yourself time to learn - separately. And you,OP, no don't date, stay single- until you haven't got a much better control over your "instincts ".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2015): The fact that you slapped him esp when you know he's from an abusive past is out of order. No one should be slapping anyone. Having said that I have slapped my boyf once because he was drunk and said something insulting about my family.I would say he can be agressive with men and has been in fights but he never touched me and never wouldn't. He is muscular and about twice my size so had he slapped me back he would have floored me. A man that is ok with hitting you in dangerous, I'm sorry but that's why there is a double standard. I know some women can be horribly abusive to their male partners too but most of the time men are physically naturally stronger and larger than women. He can do a lot more damage to you with a spur of the moment slap than you can to him. I would leave this relationship straight away.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (14 June 2015):
 One word: Leave.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 June 2015):
 I'm going to be straight with you.
If you describe your slapping him in response to an inappropriate joke as "instinctual", then you should be terrified that *that* is in you to do that to someone else.
I get extremely pissed at media, television, and movies that show a woman's response of hitting a man to be celebrated. There must be ZERO double standard when it comes to not hitting or slapping one another.
Why couldn't your "instinct" be to tell him "it's over" or "that was really rude, and you seriously just hurt me by what you just said"? He was not sexually assaulting you. He may have said something truly disgusting to you, but ejecting him from your life would have been a more healthy response to slapping him.
His hitting you back? Two wrongs do not make a right. The way you were raised with "if a man threatens to raise a hand to you" has to do with a guy doing exactly what you did to him, and that is slap you unprovoked.
You initiated physical violence.
Right now, you should break up with him. You should not see other people. You need to learn new instincts to pull out that which compels you to hit other people.
Hitting should be an absolute last resort, like when a guy is trying to sexually assault you or HE threw the first punch. If he is provoking you with words, you have the ability to remove yourself from the situation and remove yourself from the guy. This is why I say break up with him. He is immature and should treat women better than to make jokes at their expense. You need to be alone until you learn different instincts and let the horror of what you did shape your personality and cause a profound change in your instincts and your willingness to put your hand on another person in any way except in love.
Deal with this NOW or who knows? What if you get older, have a kid (you're talking marriage - kids tend to come fast after that), and the kid as a toddler defies you? Would you trust your instincts not to hit that kid? What if the kid hits you, as most toddlers do before they learn that they never hit Mommy or Daddy? Would you instinctively abuse a toddler? Parenting requires absolute control over your emotions and reactions. If you're slapping some stupid guy over moronic things he says, how much more will a kid's raging tantrum provoke you? Too many kids get abused or shaken or any number of awful things in the name of "instinct".
Break up with this guy. Then talk to your parents or school counselor. Get in contact with people who will teach you skills and help you find a whole new set of instincts. Trust me - horror that violence is in you is the best thing that can happen to you, because it is THE biggest motivator for change. You're young, so there is hope.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2015):
 About the slapping: a woman slapping a man iss abusive. It is violence. It is not acceptable. You slapping him is just as bad as him slapping you. You had no right to do this. You may even call his slapping you back, as self defence. To prevent further abuse from you.
As for the relationship, you both need to talk about this and put in the work, if you are to continue.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (14 June 2015):
Honeypie is exactly correct that violence only begets more violence. Being female does not give you license to hit him.
I'm of mixed opinions about slapping you back. On the one hand, I tend to be a pretty non violent person. On the other hand, there are no good ways to respond. If he doesn't respond with something (perhaps non violent) that is at least as strong, then you get the message (subconsciously at first) that it's ok to hit your boyfriend - this is not at all a pattern that should develop.
On the other hand, not wanting to become violent, his only other real option is to leave. That's sort of throwing the baby out with the bathwater too.
You would be shocked, absolutely dumbfounded and speechless if you really knew just how common female to male domestic violence is. The best studies estimate it to be roughly as common as male to female. Between underreporting generally, and the social stigma put upon men to 'suck it up', not to mention the additional shame often felt by men who are physically dominated and abused by their female partner, where in Western countries there is still this machismo attitude that seems to think that sort of thing only happens to 'pussies', it's a silent problem with almost no real public face or voice. Those few who ever tried to bring awareness to it get laughed at, called names, or shouted down by overaggressive femenists who insist domestic violence only ever comes from men. (not that all femenists behave so poorly, but there are extremists in every movement).
By insisting you should be able to strike him with impunity because you're female, you are buying in to the idea that violence by women against men is socially acceptable. Does that sound at all like the step backwards we want to be taking? Isn't that the exact same problem (in reverse) that so many people are still fighting to stop?
Violence is not a solution to being offended by humor. Maybe next time you're tempted to strike someone, you'll remember that they have hands too, and might just hit back. if it teaches you to keep your hands to yourself, then I can't call it a bad outcome.
Should you leave him? Probably, but not because he hit you back - the other aunts who already responded pretty much summed up some good reasons for you and "Mr. Not a Speed Bump" to part ways.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 June 2015):
 Wait WHAT???
Let me try to wrap my head around whatever you're saying. So you're 17, you said yes to marriage with this kid who's the same age as you, you are physically abusive towards each other, you're obviously sexually active and now you're asking if you should date other guys?
Good grief where do I even start from?!
Get out of this relationship this instant and please get back to doing what a normal healthy 17 year should do. I know you're probably not going to listen to a single word but marriage or sex shouldn't even be in your scheme of things! Study, go out with friends, enjoy your teen years. You have all your life to worry about marriage and kids. You're way too young, way too immature and everything about this seems horribly wrong.
You don't need to date other people, you should just be alone. Slapping each other...My God seriously! Forget marriage, you're not even ready for an adult relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2015):
 Him slapping you, is NO better nor worse then YOU slapping him. He might have reacted with the slap back as "instinctively" as YOU slapped him.
While I do NOT think ANYONE should HIT anyone, I do find it ridiculous that women think THEY get a free pass hitting a man. I do know MY husband would NOT slap me back, because he was raised to not hit a woman. BUT then again I would NEVER slap him either, as I was raised with VIOLENCE is never the solution or the answer.
You are young. WHAT is the hurry to get engaged and married already?
If I were you, I would TALK to him about hitting. About YOU NOT hitting HIM again and HIM never hitting YOU again.
And I would give him back the ring. You two are NOT mature enough for marriage. And I don't mean that in an offensive way, but you should figure out TOGETHER why you are arguing this much lately, and sort it out if you can.
Don't be in such a hurry to get married and what comes with THAT - you HAVE your whole life ahead of you.
I think your friend's advice is bogus. Dating other men will not make you certain if the one you are with is the one you want to grow old with. He is not an old shoe. He is a person. IF you have doubts, then BREAK up. But not because you want to try out a few other boys while deciding if he is a keeper or not.
Like I said, you two are not ready for marriage.
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