| A
age
51-59,
*
writes: my wife no longer trust me we have been fighting for about 4 years because our daughter got pregnant at 16 by a loser and we both started pulling away i had been looking at a lot of porn and was feeling lonely i went to a dating web sight and signed up iknow im an idiot we've been married for 20 years she now says she cant ever trust me again ilove her so much it hurts idont what to do im in counsing but shes to mad to go with me i don't want my marrage to end. you dont know how much i love her i know i made a big mistake but 20 years is long time i ask her to go marriage consouling 3 year ago but she said no ifear she has givin up on us ihave never cheated on her iknow i could never find someone like her iwish i had a time machine
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Roadster73  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 Have you thought about going away on a break together, somewhere fun...somewhere alone where you can talk and try to sort thyings out without the everyday getting in the way...sometimes when you do that you remember what its like to be a couple again?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): I have known a couple of couples where one person was willing to go to counseling and the other one wasn't. The marriages finally ended after many years of unhappiness. Regardless of who is at fault, it takes both people working on the marriage to solve the problems. In addition, any failed relationships that I know of have never been the fault of just one of the people. The fault might be split 60-40 or even 80-20, but it is rarely, if ever, 100-0.
As far as your porn viewing is concerned, it depends on various things. For instance, if your wife wanted sex and you watched porn and ignored her needs, then that is a problem that you really need to address. On the other hand, if she has rejected you sexually for many months or years, then I can fully understand why you would turn to porn and would not blame you for doing so. Most people, especially men, need some type of sexual release and porn and masturbation is a natural release when they don't have a partner or have a partner who constantly rejects them.
Then there is the matter of the signing up for the dating site. Did you have any intention of actually finding someone and having an affair or did you do it out of curiosity and for virtual sex? Did you actually talk to any of the women on that site and, if so, did you intend to get with them sexually? It is all a matter of degree. My wife and I both understand people having non-physical and non-sexual affairs when one of the partners needs something that they are not getting at home. We don't really disapprove of that in that situation. However, we have a good marriage and might think differently if our marriage were not good.
What you have to do here is convince your wife that you still love her and want your marriage to be a success. You have to make moves to make that seem genuine. Even though I don't disapprove of the porn watching as long as it does not interfere with the emotional needs of your wife, you will probably have to give it up for the most part to show her that you are sincere. However, she also has to make an attempt to show that she wants to save the marriage. It can't be one sided. Of course, you have not given enough information for me to understand the problems and who is mostly at fault. I don't know if you have done things to ruin a good marriage or if she has driven you to do those things. You don't say what all the arguing was about or give an indication of how your relationship was when you weren't arguing. Was everything fine before your daughter's pregnancy 4 years ago? Were you fighting over who's fault it was that she got pregnant? Just what caused the sudden change in your relationship? Was it entirely the pregnancy or were there problems before that and that just made it worse?
I don't think that you should separate. However, if all you do is argue and can't have even a short constructive conversation to work things out then perhaps separation is the best thing. I really think that both of you have to go to counseling together. I'm not really a big fan of counselors in most marriage problems, but I do believe that they are very valuable to getting the parties communicating in situations like yours where it seems that the 2 of you cannot communicate and work things out without help. From what you have said, you need to go to counseling together. If unwilling then I see little hope for this marriage.
I'm not putting blame on either of you, as I don't know the whole story and the real details. However, if you are both trying to blame the other for all the problems then it is not going to work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): you are just not man enough to work on this marriage. you are a cheater no wonder your marriage is in the shambles it is right now. just a matter of time before you mess up for good. your dear wife should thank her lucky stars she caught you and now she needs to kick you to the curb. don't worry another man will be willing to step up and be man enough for your wife. you sure are not.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 I can see your point about divorcing, but, since I'm not physically there, I can't tell you whether you should divorce or not. You have to decide that, poster and wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (13 January 2010):
Just be an open book. Give her access to your email and cellphone and computer. Tell her that you will fight for her as long as it takes. Do stuff with her; take her out to coffee and cake every Saturday morning, make time for her.
As for your daughter, you can't blame each other for that. It happens to the best parents in the world. You can teach your child and advise her all you like but she will still do her own thing. The thing to do is now guide her on a better path, help her get educated and working so that she can support herself and the child. Imagine how President Obama's grandparents felt when their sweet white teenage daughter fell pregnant with this loser African of all people? (I'm African by the way so no offence). Yes, we can all criticize/dislike Obama now but he is laughing his ass off, all the way to the White House. Your support for your child and unconditional love can inspire her to do better for herself and her child. Its really not the end of the world. You all need each other now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould my wife and I separate while working on the marriage, even though financially that would be extremely hard? Are we making a mistake by trying to live together? We are fighting every day, dealing with our own problems. This feels like a roller coaster ride every day. The stress from the fighting is nearly impossible to deal with every day. We have discussed separation. I just want to be happy again. We have both looked at the responses I received already and now we want your opinion on separation. Tx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): hiPlease believe me when I say I have gone through what you are going through but I was the wronged party!!My hb and I had been having a rough few years and sadly after the birth of our first child together (4th collectivley) we just grow apart, it was something that I had noticed and so had he but despite the odd conversation about going to couple counsilling we never did it... I guess we both hoped everything would be ok, as the bottom line was we both loved each other very very muchJuse before christmas I couldnt help notice that he was being really distant and slightly shady and cutting a long story short I decided to snop on his phone and laptop, needless to say I found that he had been on a few dating websites and was even in the early stages of emailling some random women who lived about 500 miles away, he told her a bunch of bull so I would like to think he was never going to meet her??When I found out I chucked him out and it was only after a few days of cooling down that I decided to let him talk to me and let him back into our homehe told me, much like you that he never meant to go through with it, it was just an escape from his life, someone that stopped him feeling invisable....he told me he loves me and I am his soul mate and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...he has even suggested us selling our home because he feel our once happy home is tainted now??? he also talks of us "remarrying" thing is I do to some degree believe him, and believe he is very sorry but that doesnt stop me being very angry and very very hurt..its left me feeling like why am I not enough for him?? its left me questioning my life? my weight? my looks? my sex life? everything?? but he doesnt get that he doesnt know how much its got into my head now and that no amount of sorrys and grand gestures and words of love will change that..its pure and simply time...him proving to me that through thick and thin he will stand by my side...like I do him...or whats the bloody point?? so like you, my hubby will suffer for one stupid mistake...but if you men realised how much that stupid mistake really really hurt us...you would give us all the time we needed to heal!!good luck...look after your lady!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Fight till the end. If you still love each other and if there is any hope, don't throw away your marriage of 20 years. Going on a dating site was a stupid move, but I take it you didn't actually take things forward, so its just that: a stupid mistake.Best of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (13 January 2010):
For starters, you don't have a time machine. So don't wish for one, and do what you can actually do. Be realistic.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I suspect that you and your wife argued about the pregnancy but there were other deeper problems under it. Those problems were never solved.
It seems she is not at all willing to be with you, yet she's still there in the same home. Why is that? Find out. That will give you a clue about what to do.
In a way, you have to prove you're a man worth staying. So, behave as a man worth staying would. It doesn't work if you stop watching porn, for example, only after she wants you back. You need to do it before, so she can see a sign of change.
Don't just assume that, if she forgives, you will have the same old relationship you had. The foundations of that relationship have changed, so the relationship will change, too. It can be a good thing, as you can improve what needed improving, or a bad thing, because it might not be satisfying for any of you. So be open to the fact that perhaps it's over.
Work on the relationship, and see where that leads you.
All the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 January 2010):
Keep reassuring her, keep telling her and showing her you love her, and keep on with the counselling. That's all you can do to be honest.
...............................
|
