A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So i screwed up big with my girlfriend. Everything has been great with us and i've never been happy. This girl is amazing on so many levels and couldnt ever think of a better woman. But a couple months ago I was bored on the computer and ended up signing up for fling.com. I signed on for it really for no reason, didnt make any physcal or emotional connections but occasionally would have dirty conversations with some women, but i was also pretending to be a woman. now my gf had trust issues before even though i had never done anything in te past and this is the worst taht I have ever done, and will ever do. I lvoe her to pieces and somehow need to show her that I'm legit and that I am willin to do anything to work on our relationship and to get some trust back. Any ideas? and would you classify this cheating like she thinks?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Well, if you love her so much, why did you sign up on a fling website & then proceed to talk dirty to women?? And I think the reason you did it "as a woman" was only to make yourself feel that it was o.k. like saying well, I'm pretending to be some else so it's not cheating. Well it is cheating & you know why you did it. You imagined sexual incounters while you were talking dirty to the women, didn't you? One thing that most men need to get in their head's is that if you don't want to lose your woman, then don't do anything that you know she would not approve of. And don't take her for granted. Most men will do as much as they can get away with, but when they get caught, then they feel bad & swear up & down that they'll never do it again, it was just a phase...etc. etc. Why not try being faithful in the 1st place?? Either that or don't be in a relationship. How would you feel if she were on fling.com pretending to be a man and were having sexual conversations with men about what she wanted to do with them? It's not only betrayal, it's kind of disturbing too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): Yes, personally, I would classify this as cheating.
You didn't love her enough to keep yourself from engaging in 'dirty conversations', so perhaps you don't know what love is. Sorry to say this, but if I were her, I would dump you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): If you're not having sex and you're not emotionally connected to any of those girls, then in my book it doesn't constitute cheating. The problem is I guess what constitutes having sex. If it's true that you were just fooling around with the computer, then it would be ok with me.I think the problem with your girlfriend is not that she thinks you cheated but that she thinks you might, maybe because of how she found out about this website? I think trust is hard to earn and easy to lose so just prove to her all those things you're saying about her being the girl of your dreams. Give her time, don't expect it to go away overnight. Just a thought: what if those girls you were leading on were indeed men leading you on? How sure are you those "girls" were not other bored men?Take care hope you sort it out
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (2 August 2007):
 Well I'm assuming she found out your little on-line disguise. Boredom is the devil's favorite tool to mess up our lives. Be more on your guard next time! I don't know what you can do to repair the damage except, well remove your on-line profile and don't do anything stupid like that again. It'll just take time and you're going to have to suffer being under her microscope for a very long time. Hope you learned from this one!
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A
female
reader, Rymo  +, writes (2 August 2007):
Hey at the end of the day cheating is one thing – bedrail of trust.
I don’t think you can really mess about with all this rubbish of, “you can do this, but not that”
If you betrayed her trust you cheated. And I think you did! Naughty boy! You should be ashamed!
xx
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (2 August 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I guess I would consider this to be cheating if you engaged in cybersex - but honestly it's just more of being an assh*le to your girlfriend (and those other girls). (BTW - I'm NOT saying that you are an assh*le, I'm saying that's how you were acting. It's not the same thing!) But still - what in the heck was going through your head? It seems to me if you really valued your girlfriend and the relationship you would concentrate on that rather than pretending to get off as a woman by having raunchy conversations online. What I'm getting at is that you need to see this from your girlfriend's point of view and stop arguing with her that you didn't cheat (if you're doing this). You need to take responsibility and stop trying to be defensive about all of this if you two are talking about it.
If you want your girlfriend to trust you again, you need to DO things rather than SAY anything at this point. Let your actions speak. I think anything you say at this point would just spark up negative feelings and possibly argments. Take her places that you know she likes, do random sweet things for her, treat her like she really is the person you describe - an amazing woman.
If you really do feel the need to say something, I would put whatever you want to tell her in a letter. I would also make sure that you handwrite the letter, as it's much more personal. Maybe give it to her with some flowers and a stuffed animal. Or - give it to her with a picture of you both in a really nice frame. Actually, now that I think about it - I would definitly do this. Perhaps make it more of a love letter. She already knows you're sorry. Just write her a letter that would make her feel special. It'd be better if she didn't associate anything negative with this. Because if she looks at it in the future, then she won't want to read about how you talked with other women, etc. See what I mean?
Hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (2 August 2007):
 Yes i would classify it as cheating.I had someone lie to me for a year but didnt actually sleep with anyone else. I wouldnt of felt any less annoyed if he had.Your girlfriend had trust issues with you because her instincts were telling her you were possibly up to stuff behind her back? Then you went and proved her right.Ive been there done that bought the t shirt.But as for gaining her trust again, which i dont know if she had in the first place? Im not too sure, because i wouldnt be able to. I am aware though that im very unforgiving when it comes to lying. But i know for me that is because i have children and wont risk their happiness. All you can do really is talk to her, ask her what would make her trust you again, tell her why you did it.Do you know why you did it? Pretending to be a woman and talking dirty to women is quite unusual. or is it? actually it probably isnt! I hope you get it sorted. Good women that arent attracted to bad boys, are not easy to find.C xxxxxx
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