A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi All-I'm in desperate need of relationship advice. I'm currently engaged to someone who I've been with for almost 10 years. We've been engaged for about 5 months. As with any relationship, things between my fiance and I haven't always been sunshine and rainbows. But I know I truly love this man, I know I should be so happy and excited to marry him. And I was! Trust me, I was so so so happy when he proposed.In pains me to even type this out and say that I'm not feeling this way anymore. Throughout our whole relationship, I felt so ready to be married, have kids, etc. Every one of our friends and families expected us (and is still expecting us) to head in that direction. I guess what they don't know is what happened between us two years ago that kind of traumatized me in a way. I had caught him cheating on me with one of his med-school classmates. All throughout 2018 and 2019, I was extremely paranoid and there were plenty of times that I caught them two still talking when he promised he'd end his friendship with her to save ours. I felt like it wasn't enough. Then towards the end of 2019, he proposed and I said yes.But I still have this gut feeling that they are still talking! I just don't think it's right to be planning for a wedding if I am still feeling this way. But I am so so terrified, embarrassed, ashamed to think of calling it off. I don't know how to handle this situation. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2020): If you have no trust, and it sounds like you have good reason not to trust him then you have no basis for a marriage.
Don't marry this man because everyone expects you to.
Hold the engagement until you see a counselor or a trusted advisor and determine what you really want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2020): Love and marriage isn't built on doubt, you build enduring-relationships on trust. Going through with a marriage to avoid embarrassment, because you feel in competition with a rival, and because marrying a doctor is the ideal-catch...each scenario always ends in disaster and divorce.
You say you love him. You love the guy you knew before you caught him cheating; and then again caught him still in-contact with the person he was cheating with. That should remind you that he willfully betrayed your trust; and damaged the integrity of a well-established eight-year relationship. Most importantly, you have not fully forgiven him.
Why hold-on to you while carrying-on a side-tryst with somebody else? Somebody has an ego problem here! The engagement is almost like a guilt-proposal; or some form of compensation for your pain and loss. Give her a ring, and all will be forgiven. Meanwhile...what about her??? That other woman? Is she just going to standby and be dumped like nothing? She's no fluzie he met sitting on a bar stool. She is a medical-student. Well-educated, and highly intelligent. With all that comes pride and ego. What the hell was he thinking? With the brain-power to become a doctor; boyfriend still resorted to thinking with his penis!!!
Upon discovery of his cheating, I can only imagine the scene. I visualize something very dramatic, explosive, and highly emotional. To save face on all counts; he proposes as though it never happened. You both seem very concerned about appearances and the opinions of others. He doesn't want to look like a jerk or a lowlife; he's about to become a highly-respected doctor, and his image and reputation must be stellar. He has the admiration of his colleagues, his family, and yours. What would people think if you dumped him? What would all your girlfriends think? You gave-up a doctor??? This is racing through your mind, I know!
The better question is: "Would you have a stable and trusting-marriage if you went through with it?"
I am not playing the part of being an antagonist here; nor am I instigating any sort of confusion. I'm on your side in this. You have to look at this straight-on , and cut to the chase. You are engaged to a man you don't trust; but you claim you love him. That is a sticky predicament to be in.
I've been with DC since 2013. I've learned to seriously acknowledge the disclaimer given by women in the words: "...but I love him!" That means "no matter what anybody says, I'm not giving him up!" "Give me a magic-cure for this situation." "Make it go-away!" "Turn-back time, and make things like they used to be."
Let's address this matter in the realm of reality.
You better get your thoughts and feelings in order! Standing at the altar after tens of thousands of dollars have been spent, people have flown-in from everywhere to attend, and hours of mind-blowing preparation for a wedding; that is not the time to decide you can't do it!!! Nor would a marriage full of suspicion, anguish, and spying! Sorry, I don't mince words or beat around the bush. I get straight to the point!
My intent is not to talk you out of marrying the guy. I am making sure you face this sooner rather than later; when you could turn this whole wedding thing into a total fiasco at the last-minute! Wasting time and money, enduring a huge embarrassment, and in less than year; the marriage is in so much trouble, he will ask YOU for a divorce.
If you feel you need to slow things down at this point, to get some couple's counseling. You should make absolutely sure, beyond all shadow of a doubt, that he and she are totally over. Now is the best time! Not months from now! Exchange your vows with a clear-conscience and a happy heart! It should be the be the greatest day of your life; before giving birth to your first child. If you plan to have a family. That child should arrive into a happy home!
Marrying him in a hurry to get him away from her, would be the dumbest thing you will ever do in your life! That remedy never works; because you will never have peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2020):
 It took him 10 years to propose, first of all? And he (I'm sensing) proposed because he felt you were pulling away because he had an affair. That way he hoped to make sore YOU stick around, since he knows there is much of a future with the other woman.
If he can't even cut contact with her, how can you trust him? And if he can "throw" away 8 years of relationship with you, to CHEAT how can you trust him?
If you want to be with this guy, give him back the ring, and figure out how you can move forward together. Because you are NOT over what he did 2 years ago, and HE isn't doing anything to ensure he is rebuilding the trust HE ruined.
Now can a relationship ever work after cheating? I have seen from personal experience that it can. But it took YEARS of hard work to get back to a healthy functioning one.
YOU don't want to start a marriage when you know the foundation is crumbling.
Maybe a couples counselor can help here, I'm not sure. But you DO need to find out within yourself what you NEED from him in order to move forward. What HE needs to do to rebuild the trust, or some of the trust.
He has PROVEN that he isn't trustworthy. If you don't have trust, what do you have?
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A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (22 April 2020):
 "I am so so terrified, embarrassed, ashamed to think of calling it off"
Don't be, this is HIS shame and embarrassment- not yours. Your gut is probably right, why would it not be? First he cheats and then lies to you again by breaking a promise to end it. Any true friend would be supportive of your decision to call it off and leave and I would expect the same of family. What should be terrifying to you is wasting another 10 years on this man and living in a constant state of suspicion.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 April 2020):
 Don't marry a person if you have doubts and do not trust them. Its a huge mistake and one that will follow you around and haunt you. I made that mistake when I was very young. I was only 19 and accidentally got pregnant. The whole wedding was planned and I was too embarrassed and ashamed to back out even though somehow deep down inside I knew I should be running away. My boyfriend and I even had a huge fight because he wanted to get married but I really didn't. He had not cheated on me (not yet) but I had seen behavior that I didn't like. I should have walked away. The day of my wedding I felt absolutely sick and it wasn't from morning sickness. 6 months after the wedding my suspicions were confirmed when his terrible temper started turning on me. I spent 2 year of hell with an abusive man all because my pride got in the way of calling off the wedding.
At least postphone the wedding. Who cares what other people think? Its your life and your happiness sweetie. There are obviously reasons why you still don't trust him. Lets be honest here. Do you REALLY ever trust someone after they have cheated??? Its very hard to do. Again...give yourself time and space to think. You can always reschedule a wedding if need be.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you. Think of YOURSELF...not others.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 April 2020):
 Firstly, please remember this is YOUR life, not anyone else's. You do not have to live up to ANYONE's expectations of you, nor do something just because it is what your friends expect of you.
Why would you want to marry someone who you don't trust? If he loved you as much as you say you love him, he would have cut contact with his lover as soon as you found out and put all his effort into making amends and rebuilding your relationship. Instead he was still talking (we assume it is only talking) to his "ex" lover. If your gut instinct tells you there is still something going on, then it probably is.
Why did you not call it a day when you caught him out? Why did you not call it a day when you caught him out AGAIN? "I love him" is a poor excuse for allowing him to walk all over you and treat you like a convenience rather than a priority. He may be wonderful in many ways but he cannot be trusted.
If I were you, I would call it a day now and walk away. Better late than never. However, I doubt you will do that because you believe that loving him is all that matters. You will have to find out for yourself that this will not sustain your relationship, when you are crying into your pillow again while wondering what he is up to with his lover. At the very least, put the wedding planning on the back burner and tell him you need to believe in him and trust him before you can marry him.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 April 2020):
 I suppose its better that you are having these doubts now before you are married, rather than having doubts after your married.
I agree, its not right to go ahead with this wedding if your feeling this way. And its natural to be feeling this way, you were cheated on, you caught someone you love with someone else, its a traumatic experience that some people never get over.
Are there any close family members, close friends that you can confide in? Im sure they will understand.
This guy cheated on you, whats to say he is not going to do something like this after you are married. A relationship/marriage is built on trust, probably one of the biggest contributing factors that bind a relationship together. Without trust a relationship is doomed to failure.
Im not saying he is going to cheat on you again, he might, or might not. The problem is your never going to fully trust him again and its always going to be eating you away wondering where he is, who is texting etc, and this is not good for anyone.
My advice would be to confide is people close to you, and divulge how your feeling. No need to be terrified, embarrassed, or ashamed. But calling it off at this point i think would be the best move.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): Sorry but this man has hurt you to much and it has put you off him and also you don’t trust him. I wouldn’t bother going through the marriage as I don’t believe it will work now. He ruined it all, it’s not your fault at all. Genuine members of your family and friends will totally understand why you don’t want to go ahead and if they don’t then they are not worth speaking with as you have feelings and your feelings have been hurt and abused and if they can’t understand that then there not worth having around in your life. So don’t worry about what they think, this is your life and I believe if you go ahead with this marriage you will not be happy and doing it for all the wrong reasons. Be brave, tell your fiancée I’m sorry but this isn’t going to work. Don’t be pressured just to keep him happy, don’t accept apologies as these won’t get rid of the thoughts you already have about him. Just end it and live your life without feeling insecure because of what he’s done to you. You will be fine I assure you. I’m going through something similar now and once someone has betrayed you things can’t be the same and I would rather be alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): I understand there are a lot of societal pressures at play when it comes to weddings, and calling them off can feel emotionally devastating in so many different ways. But as you said, nobody else knows what happened between you, so of course the idea of you two getting married seems perfectly logical to them.Except you know what happened between you. You know that he hurt you, that he betrayed your trust, and that your gut is currently telling you he might still be doing so. And most importantly, you felt like what he did wasn't enough. This tells me that on a core level, it was impossible for you to forgive him for what he did. And who can blame you? He did an unforgivable thing.You have the right to expect that anyone you enter into a relationship with will be faithful to you, just as you have the right to go into a wedding feeling confident that you will be loved, cared for, and cherished the way you deserve to be. Everybody gets some form of pre-wedding jitters, but this is different. Your gut is trying to protect you, because it wants to save you further pain. It is bringing up your anxiety as a defence mechanism, trying to highlight his red flags, trying to pull you back from taking this next step. I understand that after spending so many years together, the idea of starting over is terrifying. But does this guy really deserve you? Has he done everything within his power to deal with what happened, assure you he is not talking to other women, and opened a dialogue between you to demonstrate that he is committed to strengthening your relationship, dealing with the issues that led to him being unfaithful, and being openly transparent? You don't want to be in a marriage where your primary partner is anxiety. You are carrying the burden of his mistake, and that is exhausting for anyone to deal with alone. He needs to be willing to carry this with you, to help you through it, and to attend therapy with you if that is what you need to feel better. But overall, he should be understanding of how difficult it is to process something like this, and how hard the journey really is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): I can relate to your sincere, loving personality. But what you have is a ruined relationship and not a trustworthy man.Please let go and find love in someone as sincere and faithful as yourself. I've been there and done that.You always wanted to get married and have children with a man. But is this the right man?? THE man?? There are better men out there. Do not settle until you get what you deserve. Either you don't know your own worth or you're overestimating the worth of this man in your attachment with him. This isn't love and never was for many years!!I agree, one of our life goals is to find love and have a family. However, worse than not doing it is doing it with a wrong person!Hugs and love from a similar soul,I did what I've advised and am in a much better relationship today with a man who is way more worthy. I'm sharing this to raise up your Hopes. When I ended my 5 year relationship four years ago, I felt like I'd wasted so much of my life over a useless guy! I felt so relieved when I started to rebuild my life from scratch and when I dated again I was determined to date only those who carried the "nice guy" traits. Your relationship must have taught you lessons which you can use while dating these nice men too. Looking back, he was nothing compared to all the better men I see around me.
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