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female
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writes: Dear CupidMy boyfriend and I have been seeing each other (long distance relationship of 600kms) for a year. We are both divorced mine being 3 years and his being 1 year.We met unexpectantly and we had feelings for each other right from the start.He had a fairly messy divorce and the ex wife has been on the phone all the time looking for more money etc, which I have not really complained about except to say that is time she moves on with her love.The last years has been fantastic, he is a kind loving warm person, who has spoilt me, sent me love letters, bought me flowers, jewellry etc, and I in turn have spoilt him rotten because I love him.We were together a weekend ago and when he arrived he was fairly distant towards me, and was very offish for the entire weekend. I asked him if there was something wrong, he said no. He is normally emotional when he leaves me, but on this occassion it was not so.He calls me every night to say that he loves me and to say goodnight. But on the Monday when he went home I had not heard from him that night so i called him (yes many times) but the phone was unanswered. I was very worried and left numerous messages etc.He called on Tues morning and queried why I called so many times, I explained my concern for him and it started turning ugly. He said that he would call me later because this was turning into an argument.Well being a typical women and having been under an enourmous amount of stress the last few months I lost my cool and left some sms and messages that were wrong. After a few hours I realised they were wrong and tried to phone and apologise but he would not take my calls, I then sent an sms.Needless to say I did not hear from him for 6 days and on the 7th day he sms'd to say that I had told him to p*** off and that I must not phone him becos that is what he is doing.Where to from here??? Advice has been not to call or sms which I have done (hard as it may be)I think that this time round it's my fault. I should not have said the things I did, but they were said in the heat of the moment, surely he can forgive me.Some advice here please Dear Cupid, my world is upside down and I am now moving back to his side of the world and was really looking forward to moving in with him, but that seems like a lost cause. I love him with all my heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): My thoughts on this are it sounds like he may have another love interest, hun. This is the typical, immature behaviour of some men, who don't have the balls or the respect, to tell a woman, the truth. If his behaviours suddenly changed toward you-then that's an indicator he's rethinking the relationship and someone else has caught his eye. This habit of ignoring you is nasty and disrespectful. He's playing a demeaning mindgame and is looking to bail out of this relationship..in a cowardly way. He seems like the typical passive-aggressive man. (I've met a few and they aren't worth the efforts) He's angry, sullen, uncertain but does not come straight out and tell you he's feeling this way. His goal is to express his negative feelings towards you by frustrating you..demeaning you..ignoring you...which is very hurtful and confusing to you. And when you call him on this behavior, he will act offended, defensive and will deny that they were doing whatever you thought they were doing.
It's a no-win situation and keeping this up will only serve to erode your sense of self-value. Don't allow him or anyone do this to you.
I think it's important for you to realize that just because you love someone doesn't mean you can get along with them or that a relationship will work. A relationship takes love plus the ability to communicate! If he ever decides to come out from under his rock, you could talk to him but is he worth the emotional energy??
I suggest leaving him alone for a bit. This gives you and him both some time to think. There is no guaruntees you will ever talk again. If he doesn't contact you after a couple weeks...then move on, grieve, mourn and strive to be happy again. You can't make him love you and if he's not interested, why beat your head against a wall. One thing is for sure, the more you call, text and pester him, the more he'll not respond. Show him you have class and you are dignified and stop.
A blessing in disguise, perhaps? Maybe this is an indication of things to come for you-when he's unhappy with you, he'll ignore you. This is his game, girl-he can't come clean..instead of dealing with the problem and being a man about it. Do you really want a man like this around? You truely deserve better. Continually rethinking this and giving him the benefit of the doubt is just prolonging your own pain in this relationship. Time to set the ground rules. You've allowed this guy to go far beyond the ground-rules.
Surround yourself with good friends you trust and love. As hard as it is..get out there and live. Try to smile..try to forget. And even though you may think he is the be-all, end-all, of your life, undoubtedly there is more love, even better love right around the corner. Give yourself that chance. Take care and stay strong
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): Dear friend, it sounds that you are suffering right now. I have been in a long distance relationship with my fiance and i know how difficult it is. You were worried about him notresponding to your messages. He should be able to understand that. There is no need to apologise further for your actions. He should have been more considerate in the first place and reply to your calls. If he told you that he is following your advice to him to p*** off then let him. He knows where you were coming from and he is looking for an easy way out. We are far more sensitive than men. You apologised and now you should wait for him to apologise to you. Do not call him or sms him. If he truly cares about you he will contact you to see if you are all right. If he does not it means that he has no consideration for your feelings and surely is not the kind of man that a sensitive and caring woman like you deserves. You have had one divorce already, so you should be more experienced dealing with little crises like these. Let it go. If he is good he will come back if he does not call it was not meant to be, yet he still owes you an apology and a good explanation for his dissappearing act.
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (7 September 2005):
Give it some more time. I know that is hard. From his point of view I would say that one angry woman is enough to deal with. His ex wife seems to be fullfilling that role nicely. I'm sure he hears you are sorry but he probably got a look a your bad side (everybody has one) and it was more than he needed. Put yourself back a couple of years and you are not quite out the other end of a messy divorce. If sombody new put any pressure on you for attention you would probably react in much the same way as he did. When you move nearer to where he is you could try dropping him a real casual line saying you are in the neighbourhood and you are sorry for putting pressure on him before that you know it was the last thing he needed and would a light hearted meeting be on the cards. Hope everything goes well for you when you move.
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