A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is out of town on business.He has been in touch everyday. Says he misses me, thinks about me all the time. I emailed him a very sexually charged message today, quite lengthy, telling him what I want him to do to me in explicit detail... and was essentially painting a fantasy for him. Asking him what he wants to do to me etc.And all I get for an answer is... "Ooooooooooooooooh!"Now tell me, would you be really upset and offended by this if he was your boyfriend?I just responded with a sad emoticon face.Not sure what to do now. Or what to think.Can anyone help me? I am really upset about this. :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): Hi, it's OP with a follow up to my question.
Thanks to all who took the time to answer.
Yes, I was over reacting. He hardly had any alone time with full, busy days and often just collapsed when he got to the hotel.
But he told me he loved my messages and he has since sent me a couple of very naughty ones back! ;)
So, I jumped the gun.
Glad I just asked him why he responded that way. Calmly. And he answered me.
I guess I can get carried away sometimes.
Assumptions can be dangerous. I will try to apply this lesson in the future.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2015):
 I think it might be against the rules to post links to Youtube videos, so I won't. Just go to Youtube and search for "While I was Away: Girlfriend doesn't realize boyfriend is on Vacation".
This question reminds me of this video a LOT. Maybe watching this string of emails will cause you to think twice before blowing up your relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2015):
I'm not going to answer your direct post's question. I'm going to do what you SHOULD be doing and deal with the REAL issue at hand.
This isn't about your sexual text. This is about your trist issues with him. If you're worried that he's cheating on you, don't "test" him with it while surveilling his every digital move like a mini-stalker. Your long text to him wasn't about you being "turned on". It was about trying to gauge his feelings towards you, and you immediately went crazy when he didn't respond with something as long or verbose to you.
You said that he's stayed in contact with you every day. Yet, you're still going crazy because he's away. NEWS FLASH - if he's a cheater, he'll cheat on you if you're all hyper-voyeur on him and he'll cheat on you if you're not. He'll cheat if you send him racy messages and he'll cheat on you if you don't. He'd still be cheating if he sent back some long response to you, and he'd still be cheating if he wasn't.
It's telling that you didn't CALL or Skype him with the message, rather than texting it. Why not? Why these loyalty tests? You mentioned that he keeps in regular touch with you, yet then you follow up and say that there's no phone conversations? Why not tell him you'd like to talk to him by phone? The "no phone" goes both ways. You're 50% the reason why there's no phone conversation. You can dial his number as well.
He's going to come home all happy to see you, and you'll hit him with an emotional frying pan. Will that make him closer to you or more distant?? It's amazing that women with trust issues and constant accusations rush right to the silent treatment as their response. That's like being terrified of a house fire and then responding by rushing for the gasoline and a lit match.
Do not resort to histrionics like you're winding yourself up to do right now. That drives men (well, drives everybody) away.
What has he actually done to warrant your trust issues? Has he cheated on you before?
The point is - if you're the adjectives you're describing yourself as, beautiful, amazing, a guy would be lucky to get a sexual text from you, etc, then if he's such a jerk, why waste your time sitting next to your computer mentally journalizing your boyfriend's internet habits?? Hmm? Why waste the time getting ready to emotionally bludgeon him when he returns, calling him names and such? Just break up with him and find a guy who doesn't go on business trips.
I have travelled on business trips in the past, and my father went on regular business trips when I was growing up. Most of them aren't 8-hour days followed by playboy living. A lot of the time, you work from extremely early to extremely late, then go to the hotel room to plan the next day's extremely long work day. Rinse and repeat. I'd guess that he's exhausted and road-weary. A business trip is NOT vacation!
If you're not happy in your relationship, don't play games. Just break up. If you suffer from trust issues, no matter who you're with, you'll be miserable.
A relationship takes equal effort. Sitting back, thinking that a guy needs to make all of the effort because you're amazing and worth it will kill relationships. I say that because of your comments such as these:
"Let me tell you, ANY MAN would be floored to get this message from a beautiful woman."
"Now what pisses me off is that he had TIME to go on there and do God knows what but only had time to send me a ONE WORD answer to my AMAZING email?"
"And then when he comes back he will be all lovey dovey again cause he wants sex. That is when I should tell him to go and f^ck himself and mean it."
"And why would I go out of my way to let him know that when I have already wasted enough words on him?"
It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or amazing. You sound full of yourself, and that can make the most beautiful woman ugly. What's uglier is that you're staring at his Facebook and fretting over what he does. Go make your life full while he's gone!
And you handle relationship issues by COMMUNICATING, not silent treatment.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 February 2015):
Well, you clearly aren't happy with him, so dispense with the drama and just end it.
You can't fundamentally change another person.
Personally I don't see anything wrong with his message, and no evidence of cheating. Simply being logged into Facebook means nothing at all, you seem to think that he must have been glued to it or something.
I stand firm by my statement that you are overreacting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): Hi male anon. It's the OP.
Yes, you hit it on the head. He may have "helped himself out" and not be in the mood.
This is my worry exactly.
That he is having sex with someone else while away and has no use for me and my sexual messages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): It's OP.
Do you really think so WhenCowsAttack?
I think I am justified. I am going to just ignore him from now on. He has been gone for two weeks and not even one phone conversation. He is on FB and not even one chat? Just emails? And then one word answers??
I do think that a one word response is insufficient. Absolutely it is.
And I should not have hurt feelings by him. He does know the way I am... perhaps as you state... and yet still responds in a way I am sure he knows will bother me. I think he is a jerk for that.
And why would I go out of my way to let him know that when I have already wasted enough words on him?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 February 2015):
Uh, wow, yes you are being horribly oversensitive and overreacting. The poor guy probably has not a clue that he might have done anything "wrong".
You are acting like a complete princess. You didn't get the exact reaction /validation you wanted and now you're throwing a fit, when instead you could've calmly and gently let him know your feelings were a bit hurt by his" insufficient" response.
Frankly you sound very, very high maintenance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): Like the others said maybe he was with work colleagues or clients or what ever .
Heck he might of just 'helped himself out' and not be in the mood for it and with that the case it will not matter how beautiful the women is sending it .
do not go OTT about it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): It's the OP.
Yeah, he has responded with very raunchy sexual messages himself in the past. In fact, it seems odd to me that he did not engage further, like always.
I basically painted a picture of me "taking care of myself" while he is away cause I am so turned on. Told him all this.
I think the Oooooh reference meant he is lamenting he could not be there to help me or be with me. Like he does not want to miss what I am doing.
Fine.
But.. what I should also tell you is that just before sending my email he was on Facebook for a half hour or more. Now what pisses me off is that he had TIME to go on there and do God knows what but only had time to send me a ONE WORD answer to my AMAZING email?
Let me tell you, ANY MAN would be floored to get this message from a beautiful woman. And look what he does? Pretty much a slap in the face is how I take it. My ego is kind of hurt and so are my feelings.
Just wonder am I being OVER SENSITIVE cause he has been away and I am making all sorts of assumptions?
I am just not going to message him anymore from now on. And then when he comes back he will be all lovey dovey again cause he wants sex. That is when I should tell him to go and f^ck himself and mean it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2015):
 Do you guys normally exchange such sexual messages? Does he normally reply with more? In that case, then Id understand the disappointment.
But, if the case is that you normally DON'T do these things, then you can't expect a raunchy reply. Because this isn't everyones cup of tea. It isn't mine, for example. So when my new boyfriend attempted to write me such messages I was short in reply as well. Because I didn't want to reject him, I am attracted to him sexually, but such message doesn't do it for me at all, on the contrary they have a tendency to make me feel embarrassed and annoyed.
The same with sexual pictures. Unless it's a thing both parties enjoy, and you've discussed this beforehand, then I'd avoid it. Penis pictures are actually a turn off for me, yet so many guys think it is a turn on for women? So they will send me such pictures, and I won't send pictures back, or even reply, because I don't want to encourage it.
I think it's the same with your bf. He liked the message somewhat, but it isn't his thing. He replied to not make you feel rejected, but he prefers to do things with you in person and not over texts. Don't get offended, you gave it a try, and it is important to try out new things in a relationship to figure out what the other likes and dislikes. But remember that he's not obligated to enjoy everything you do, people have different sexual preferences.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): Don't be upset because men are doers not talkers. If you described the details then a guy does not wanna waste time talking about them but rather he will do them. You did your job, you planted a seed, now wait for him to meet you up in the bedroom so you can enjoy.
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A
female
reader, Athena1989  +, writes (25 February 2015):
I don't think you should be upset, maybe it took him by surprise. Is this the first message you have sent him of this nature? Have you ever discussed sexting, phone sex? Maybe it wasn't a good time - if he is on business, was he alone? With clients? There are so many factors and questions that can be raised with a question of this nature and I don't think he answered this way to hurt or upset you. Discuss it with him when he is next home and do tell him your reaction - hopefully it will be something so silly he will push all the worry out of your head - maybe he was so overcome with romantic feelings for you he didn't have any articulate thoughts in his head! Talk to him but don't let emotion get in the way - unless he has given you any reason to think it is anything other then a lapse in sexual judgement don't let it be.
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