A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.Let me start by saying my BF of two years can be insecure and has expressed jealousy at times.I was texting my boss trying to set up a meeting and sent the text by accident to my BF as I have both conversations saved on my phone.I said in the text... "Tues or Thurs would have worked." Sent the text to my BF by mistake instead of my boss. Then sent my BF another text explaining I meant to send it to my boss to set up a meeting but sent it to him instead.I am worried that my BF will think something of it. Like I am trying to meet up with some other guy or something of this nature.My BF trusts me but he is insecure and I am sure the thought will cross his mind.I don't want him to think anything like that. I texted him back with the truth.Do you guys think he will get upset or hold it against me?Did I handle it right?I love him so much. I don't want anyone else. And I just worry about how he will see it.Any advice?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2015):
 My, isn't it terribly stressful for you to live like this ? Always tiptoeing around a partner's hypersensitivity, or possible hypersensitivity, always trying to guess what may or may not have triggered his paranoia ?.
Honestly, if you were 20 years older I'd tell you, watch out, that's a heart attack waiting to happen : yours, not his.
You did not do anything wrong. You were texting your boss about a work related issue. The wording is not saucy or flirty and does not suggest possible hanky panky ,if not to a mind with paranoid inclinations which, if any, should be treated professionally, not catered to. As a matter of fact, we do not even know IF this text has provoked paranoid thoughts because he won't say it,nor show it openly- obliging you to behave not like a partner in a relationship between equals, but like the anxious mommy of a toddler who looks grumpy but won't say what's wrong.
Stop mothering him so much . If you never gave him any reason to mistrust you, then his trust issues are HIS problem and HE should be working on them, not you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2015):
 Don't let your imagination run away with you. WHY would your BF think you were cheating? It makes no sense.
And honestly if he is SO insecure how does your relationship work?
Should you apologize and bring it up AGAIN? No. You miss-texted - you corrected the issue - it's over and done with. IF he SULKS like a 5 year old, then LET him sulk. IF he has doubts LET him bring it up. You seriously CAN NOT walk around on eggshells over ONE little innocent text. THAT is ridiculous.
Leave him be, let him contact you.
Honestly the whole "coddling him" because he may or may not have perceived a SHORT little miss-text wrong doesn't give him the right to give you the silent treatment. Because it DOES make you look guilty if you keep bringing it up to "discussion".
LET's say you miss-texted him instead of your good female friend. Something random and goofy. Would you be all up in arms trying to make SURE he didn't misunderstand? My guess is no.
STOP feeling guilty over something YOU didn't do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2015):
 Are you unfaithful? No?
Are you inappropriate with other men? No?
Do you have a history of cheating? No?
Then stop being such a wimpy woman in dealing with an insecure and jealous boyfriend.
You are in your 30s. There's no reason to put up with a controlling insecure and distant man. None.
If you feel insecure in this relationship then perhaps it's a sign that it is time to end it. If you are putting all your faith into one text from him?
You sound a bit desperate.... sorry.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2015):
So what if your boyfriend works those days?
You've been together two years, presumably you like each other and have formed a bond.
Why do you even have to account yourself to him for your text or your time spent on the job?
You sent your boyfriend a text to see if he is okay? Why not just call him?
I send texts friends, family, my husband.... If they don't respond in 3 hours I assume they are busy and will get back to me when they can.
Why are you so freaked out about some texts?
There has to be more to this story than you have shared here.
You bolded this phrase: "So I should have told you guys that the days I told my boss I could meet with him are the days I NEVER SEE MY BF cause he works those days."
So what? Your BF works those days? OMG, you must be cheating because you texted your boss!!!! OMG!!!!
Sorry for the dramatic over-use of exclamation points. I was making a point.
Why would he need to "piece it together that way"?
Are you free to fool around? Presumably not, you've been with him for 2 years. So why are you worried he would assume the worst?
"That I am free to fool around the days he is working. But it was not meant like that. Just that I have more free time those days!"
I'm seeing a lot of insecurity from you. You don't really feel he trusts you.
Again, if he's being an insecure idiot then what does the future look like for you two? Not good.
Stop texting anything to him until you meet in person and have a realistic face-to-face meeting.
And get on the couples counseling thing. Or break up with him. It sounds like a very toxic and untrusting relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): OP again.So I should have told you guys that the days I told my boss I could meet with him are the days I NEVER SEE MY BF cause he works those days.SOOO, I am worried thinking that he will try to piece it together that way. That I am free to fool around the days he is working. But it was not meant like that. Just that I have more free time those days!I sent him a text to ask him if he is ok, and no response almost 3 hrs later. :(I did nothing wrong!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2015):
Why would that text set up a red flag for anyone?
You didn't text "let's meet up but don't let anyone else know." You texted your boss. BFD.
If your boyfriend at the advanced age of late 30s (I assume that's his age?) is so paranoid then you will have to take on the work of a therapist. Not sure ifthat's worth it for you.
I'm guessing this post is more about your insecurity and your fearfulness that the relationship will end over some imagined slight or perceived problem.
You say he trusts you so let it go.
You say he's insecure; that's his issue, so let it go.
We can't tell if he'll get upset or hold it against you. If he does, he's kind of an idiot, if you take a couple of steps back and look at it from the outside.
If he does get upset and hold it against you, I would advise any friend of mine with a boyfriend like that to find a healthier man to have a relationship with. Or get couples' counseling if you are dead set on keeping such an idiot around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): It's O.P.
I just texted to ask him if everything is okay.
I know, according to most, not a good move.
But, why do I feel so bad?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 April 2015):
 YOU are NOT responsible for your BOYFRIEND's stinking thinking.
I would not bring it up. and I would not pander or cater to him and his insecurity. If after 2 years he does not trust you and you have never done anything to warrant distrust then it's never going to get any better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Thank you everyone. It's the OP.I saw my BF today.He seemed a little more distant with me. Like he has pulled back. Not unaffectionate or mean. But just a bit cooler. Almost like trying to protect his feelings if I had to guess. Like he is reacting to the possibility of me doing something wrong to him.When you are with someone for 2 years, you get to know them and their behaviour. So just my own sense that something was off with him.He did not say one word though. He is the type that would keep it to himself.I am not sure if I should ask him about it or leave it.I hate that he might think he needs to pull back or protect his feelings as an offensive to something he thinks I might have done or might do but in fact I never did and never would.He does have trust issues from two former girlfriends who cheated on him. But he is the quiet type that puts things away and does not deal with them. Me, on the other hand, if I ever get jealous or have concerns, I tell him about them and I am open about everything.Should I let him sweep it under the rug because I sense he is a little bothered by it?I just hate to let him go on feeling that way though. It is like I have this need to reassure him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): Your bf has issues, for you to be so worried over such an insignificant matter is more concerning than the text. It's not your problem he is jealous, and you shouldn't make it worse by tiptoeing around him and begging his forgiveness when you haven't done anything wrong.
He should consider seeing a relationship counsellor about his jealously at that is an unhealthy level, and to have you so worried is not good!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I definitely agree that you should in no way condone this potential overreaction on his part. It was a simple mistake and there's absolutely no reason he should think anything of it. The others are right - you should NOT profusely apologize or humor the insecurity/jealousy. You only further facilitate it when you do that. Leave it at what you already did, and let that be the end of it. If he flips out and gets angry over nothing, then just let him have his anger, but don't keep explaining yourself. You enable him when you let him get away with it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 April 2015):
 IF your "boyfriend" doesn't have sufficient genitals that he can see this and let it pass... the YOU need to tell your "boyfriend" that he needs larger genitals in order to get through life.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2015):
Yep - I'd say if THAT was ALL you wrote, your BF should not get his boxers in a wad. IF he does, DO NOT play the game.
You have already explained the issue, no need to get into further explanation.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I'll tell you what I tell everyone who has or knows someone who has trust issues and that is treat them as though they don't exist.
Accommodating them only ensures they'll remain or get worse because it offers the sufferer a false sense of security which is based on control. He is to be held to the same standard of behaviour as everyone else.
And you're right that your boyfriend trusts you. He trusts you to tolerate his accusations and unreasonably high expectations.
Do not bring it up again and if he does be light, casual matter of fact and brief. And don't reward negative behaviour. 'I've already told you the text was meant for my boss. If I'm not to be believed then further discussion won't help.'
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