A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm still in love with my ex. She wants us to remain friends so we have been hanging out and talking on the phone. We have a child together so we see each other almost every day.I feel like she has been stringing me along. I feel like I'm the safety net while she goes out and experiments with new relationships. I've been driving myself crazy trying to read into her words and actions hoping that there is still something between us.I wrote a letter to her explaining why I think our relationship failed and how I'm feeling currently. I said if she truly loves me as a friend and nothing more than she needs to let me go and let me move on and heal. I said I can't be the friend she needs while I'm still hurt and confused. On the other hand I said that if she wants to be more than friends she needs to make it clear and so we can work things out. I told her that this wasn't an ultimatum. I'm not setting a time limit. I just want her to sit down and truly sort out her feelings and let me know one way or the other. If she is really done with us then I want to know so I can try to put it behind me and move on.Am I doing the right thing here? I want her to get back with me. Will this letter do more harm than good? Should I just forget the letter and cut off contact as much as possible?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were together for 3 years and we have been broken up for 2 months. When I say cut contact as much contact as possible I'm referring to our friendship. We would still talk about all things pertaining to our son.
I went on a couple of dates with a girl a couple of weeks ago. We were texting each other on a fairly regular basis. When my ex found out she was extremely interested. She wanted to know all of the details of our meetings. I even think she was checking my phone. I ended things with the girl because I felt like I wasn't able to put in the effort she deserved while I am still so attached to my ex.
I had a discussion recently with my ex where she told me that it was hard for her to watch me move on. This was before she knew I had stopped seeing the other girl. She knows now. I told her recently that I think we needed to cut back our time together because it was making it hard to heal my wounds. She resisted because she didn't want to lose one of her best friends.
A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (27 October 2008):
 Hiya,
I sympathise greatly with your position, and I admire the fact that even though you have broken up, you still see your child most days. It is also great to hear that you are remaining friends – if for nothing else than for the sake of your child, who must be finding this very tough to deal with. When you say you feel like she has been stringing you along – she probably is to some extent – though I hope it is for the sake of your child. Straight out I can say that you should NOT cut off contact as much as possible for this specific reason.
(Compliments aside though – I don’t feel you are doing *everything* right.)
Leaving the child situation aside – I have some advice for your personal dilemma. I think you should try to get on with your life and prepare yourself for a relationship without her. This, I believe, is ALWAYS the best way to deal with a break up – even if you have the full intention of getting back with her – it is generally always better to show that you are a strong person, who can deal with life’s problems, and get on with things, and be a man – rather than showing yourself as someone who cant live without someone (who is telling them that they don’t want them).
Best case scenario – she she’s how well you are doing and realises what she let go – and wants you back.
Worst case scenario – you get on with your life, without wasting more hurt emotions.
But if you try to revolve your life around her, you will just get more hurt.
Hey – I know it’s easier said than done – and certainly it will be a couple of months before you can move into that territory – but that’s what I recommend you eventually aim for (after an understandable period of maybe a couple of months to mourn the break up)
So I don’t think you should be reading into her words and actions because I don’t think that you are thinking straight. No matter what she does you are going to bend the reality into something that offers some glimmer of hope that you are going to get back. She could call you any day of the week – and you will think that she wants you back – but if she wanted you back, she would make it very obvious – not just call randomly.
There is a very good chance she is keeping you at arms length. Your efforts to force her hand may prove fruitless. The current situation suits her (she is keeping you guessing, and waiting – while she is out testing the water to see what else is out there). Why would she tell you she doesn’t want you – that would force you to get on with your life without her – she doesn’t want that. She wants you waiting around – and then if it doesn’t work out for her – she has you on standby. It’s not fair on you of course – but it suits her – and that’s why she is doing it.
So what do you? You go out and get on with your life – go out with your buddies. I don’t know how long you were together, or how long you have broken up , but if she is out looking for new relationships, then you have absolutely every right to do the same.
What you want HER to think is that there is a chance that you might meet some other girl. That will stir her into action. (This will stir her into more action than your letter will - which basically will tell her she can take as long as she wants!)
Getting out there yourself is best because if she really still has feelings for you – she will let you know this straight away rather than risk losing you forever. If she doesn’t have feelings for you, then she will wish you well. This has a much higher chance of finding out what she is thinking than you just asking her straight out what her ‘plan’ is.
To be honest, I think you should let her go, because her actions tell me she doesn’t love you the way you need her to. But if you are still trying to convince yourself otherwise – then try the above, and see what happens.
The letter then, would be a mistake, because it will show you to be completely in the weaker position. In your next contact with her, you are better off indicating that you understand her wish to remain friends, and that you hope she wishes you well, that you are going to try to get on with things yourself. You don’t have to specifically say that you are going to look for a new girlfriend, but if she asks you this directly, just be honest and tell her that yes, you are.
Best of luck,
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 October 2008):
It was exactly the right thing to do. She probably had no idea she was hurting you by being a good friend. She was probably just glad you could get on so well for the sake of the kid.
Even if she doesn't want to get back with you and you have to take a bit of time away from her, you are going to have to learn to be her friend so you can bring up this child together. You need to be in on decisions so you need to be able to talk to eachother.
Good Luck!! xx
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