A
male
age
41-50,
*arveyj
writes:Hi Everybody,I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. We have been long distance for one year. I just proposed to her a month ago and we are happily engaged. However, a few days ago, she told me that to pay for school, she had been a prostitute (worked for an out-call agency) for a year. It totally devastated me inside, but I know it was even more painful time for her. She only did it b/c she had to pay for school and living expenses (she comes from a very, very poor background), and it's hurt her for so long. She did it a few years ago, and she's cried herself to sleep for so many nights. When she told me, I was 100% supportive. I told her I wouldn't our love wouldn't change, and that I wouldn't see her any different. Truthfully, she is so good to me and I can't be with anyone else. I am also good to her, this is something nobody else in the world knows about, and she thought that this is something that she would take to the grave with her. But, she felt everyday that I didn't know that she was betraying me, and had to tell me. Well actually, I just could sense that something was bothering her, and it took me hours to get it out of her. In any case, when she first told me, she said that I probably wouldn't love her anymore and wouldn't want to be with her anymore. I knocked down all of those arguments, but I did let her know how much it hurts me that she's been with so many guys now. I know it's jealousy, and I know it's all in the past, but it still eats at me. I am getting much better, the first day I was totally shaking and had to call in for some emergency counseling to get myself calmed down. The first time in my life I have done that. So, is this basically just a case of me needing to get past her sexual history? She knows that it hurts for me, and I've cried many times with her, but I keep telling her that I won't stop loving her. How can I make the pain go away, so that I can be a better man for her, to support her for all the pain she had to endure to make it to where she is today?Thank you for your help.
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male
reader, Horne +, writes (13 January 2009):
You and me both guy. Same conversation almost this past weekend. It wasn't school or books that was the driving reason, but the results were about the same. How I feel about it.. sexual history doesn't bother me. We all have some of it. What matters is who she is with you and how she is with you. But yeah, it is a wall to climb when you get that kind of revealing statement. In pondering the same sorts of questions myself, the issue I'm having is whether or not to sit her down and ask if there's anything else because things have been coming in bits and pieces.I think it's obvious that she loves you and cares about you enough to tell you. I think it's also obvious that it weighs on her mind a lot and that she sees herself as less for having done it. One of the first things I noticed about my girlfriend when I met her was that she had a very low self esteem. I spent a lot of time working on that with her and sort of feel that we've reached a point where she feels she can tell me what she needs to tell me. Maybe that's how you should feel about this one, not so much jealousy, but the fact that you've reached a point where she can tell you. Being supportive doesn't mean you don't feel though. You do. What will make or break what you have is how you control those feelings. Past doesn't make present or future. It is past and it can't be changed. Evaluate what you have on how she is with you, not how she was years ago. If you really love her, sit her down and tell her it doesn't change how you feel about her. Tell her the truth. Tell her it bothers you, but it doesn't change what you want or how you feel. Now here's the hard part. Don't let it bother you. You didn't know her then. You weren't emotionally involved with her then. You have no idea what she had to go through nor what she really did and ya know, don't ask. You and I seem to be in the same boat in some ways. My boat seems to have a lot of pieces and parts though and what has me wondering is whether I let them come at their own time or just try and put it all together up front. I'm leaning towards the come at their own time perspective because I do love this woman and because she's been nothing but loving with me. Good luck.
A
male
reader, harveyj +, writes (1 November 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,My next appointment with the counselor is not for a week, so for you guys that have gone through this. what's a good way to cope when you have those "flare-ups"? You know, most of the time everything is fine, but every so often, all you can think about is her sexual history, and you can't get it out of your mind. You heart sinks, your chest get tight. It's over after 5 minutes or an hour, but while you're in that, the world just totally sucks. Any advice on what you guys did?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): i'm blues singer anonymous. glad u r getting better-ur counselor WILL help u UNDERSTAND ur thoughts and through cognitive behavioral therapy stabilize and recover. yes I know it sounds bs but it can help. be careful of becoming addicted to antidepressants, alcohol, drug abuse, also be careful of dissociative avoidance behavior. DO NOT confront discuss w ur partner UNTIL u r much further along in ur therapy. the porn is causing a triggering event - u have 2 replace ur thoughts w + ones instead, breathing, vizualization, affirmation. again ur counselor can help. good luck.
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reader, harveyj +, writes (29 October 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey troubledtoomuch,I am getting better and better every passing day. I do get some of the feelings that the anonymous poster (the one that just posted) has, but not to his degree. I am also getting myself professional counseling, not because I don't think I can't handle it, but because I think that someone who works through these problems with people day in and day out can help me out even more. I know I'll probably always have some tinge of jealously, anger, or desperation, or whatever the feeling I have is, but there's no reason I can't keep working at it to minimize it. The most important reason though, is that I never, never, never want to bring this up in an argument or otherwise hurtful manner, and I believe a professional can help am achieve that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Quote: "but i still can't get over the thought of other men pentrating her and touching her, and using her like an object."
She doesn't have to be a prostitute or escort to have been treated like that. Women who allow themselves to get picked up at bars are sometimes treated the same. Any woman can just get used like that if she allows it to happen. Yes, that does hurt to think of your girlfriend or wife allowing herself to get used.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): i'm in a similar situation as my girlfriend used to work escort. even after a year, i'm still agonizing. my problem is everytime i think of her, especially naked, i see the other men taking advantage of her. it's also not a career choice she picked, some bad circumstances forced her into it, and she's glad to be out. but i still can't get over the thought of other men pentrating her and touching her, and using her like an object. she says thats the worst part of it all, is the objectification of her into something guys can bang and throw away, and wants to just get over it. i'm there for her always, but ahhhhhhhhhh get it out of my head!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): From my experience, it is best to confront the feelings and discuss them with her. My wife was promiscuous for a couple of years after she left her first husband and she also had to tell me about it. I never asked and would have preferred that she had not had to tell me, but she did. She felt cheap and guilty and I was the first guy who she had a need to tell. She started to hint at it on our 2nd date.
After she told me, she then refused to talk about it ever again. The reason was that I was judgmental of her behavior and she felt bad about it too. I burried the feelings for 28 years. It hurt a lot the first 2 years, but I finally buried them in the back of my mind. They would resurface for a short time every now and then and I might make some remark if she said something that reminded me of her past. That worked for both of us for 28 years, until the whole thing came back to the front of my mind over a year ago. She was now willing to talk and we talked for nearly a year about it. We would talk for hours a day at first until it was down to maybe an hour a week. I learned a lot about how she felt and why she did what she did. If we hadn't talked about it so much, I don't I would have been able to get over it again.
My advice is to talk to her if she is willing. You will both need to make the other feel better about her past. You will have to make her feel like a worthy woman, while at the same time making yourself feel better about what she had done. In a way, what she did is better than a woman in college who just slept with every guy she had a chance to sleep with. She did something that hurt her to make it possible to better herself. She wasn’t just some slut. Some people might think that what she did was worse, but in my mind, she did something that hurt her to get to where she is today. I feel sorry for the both of you. I feel sorry for you, as I know from personal experience what you must be going through. I feel sorry for her, as she must have felt cheap the entire time she was doing it. You might want to read this discussion that took place a few months ago.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Here is another more recent one:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
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reader, harveyj +, writes (27 October 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everybody for you help. any other advice or relevant threads on how to get over the sexual history of my partner? one of the biggest problems right now is imagining her with other men. We often watch pornography together while love-making, and now if I look at porn, it often makes me think of what other men have done to her.
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reader, harveyj +, writes (27 October 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i can handle it. my future is only with her
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): i'm not the other anonymous guy - I dated a blues singer who said she slept with 100 men. it bothered me but I focus on the present & future & not the past. returning vets from iraq who have post traumatic stress disorder r currently taught not to bury it but to constantly re-engage (remember) it. this is painful at first but diminishes with time (bear in mind this also takes A LOT of professional counselling training). constantly remind ur fiance she is a lovely wonderful human being. finally love kindness & time will help (i don't mean 1 month I mean 1-2 years). can you handle that?
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reader, harveyj +, writes (27 October 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi anonymous,
would you mind giving me some more information about "the other side" and why it makes you say the things you do? Like I said before, I can't be without her, so it's my goal to get past all of this, which I definitely believe that I can do, it'll just take some time and toughness.
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reader, harveyj +, writes (26 October 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your answers, it's just the stuff i need.
Mr. Vendetta is a bit harsh, when did I ever say I was perfect? I appreciate the message, but not the way you delivered it. Also, why do you assume that I'm the bad guy or that I'm thinking that she's the bad girl? I have helped her through getting over many, many tough and painful periods of her life, and I am doing the same now. I never once got angry when she told me, never once blamed her. I made sure of it. I just listened to everything she said, and comforted her as much as possible. I told her that she's the same person today as she was yesterday. and I refuted all of her cries of being a "dirty girl" that wasn't good enough for me. It's so much more painful for her than for me, and I know I can never actually understand her real pain.
If I could just get over it, I wouldn't have posted here. The "stiff upper lip" method doesn't exactly work for me, but I figured by airing it out there and getting some advice, maybe similar experiences, some tough love, it would be good for me to see how different people deal with situations like this.
One thing I refuse to do, is to rush through this. Because really, I've seen how emotions get bottled up and suppressed, and in the end all it does make those emotions flare out at the most inopportune times. So, that means I can't just put these feelings away if they are still bothering me. But do know that I am facing them head on, so that I can be the good man that will never bring this up again or use it against her in an conflict. This is the heartfelt promise I make.
And also before, I mentioned the shaking, and actual somatic effects (physical effects) of learning this news on me. I told a MD psychiatrist friend I know about it and what happened, and she confirmed that I had a panic attack. She said everyone is different, but however that my reaction was a totally normal reaction she said to this type of news. Some people will react more, and some people will react less.
And actually, she is my first partner. Would you me rather yell at her and get angry at her? I love her too much to do that. And I am trying to accept it, don't you see that's what I am trying to do?
So Dr. Vendetta, I would appreciate less cynicism on your part, and maybe more understanding that emotional stimuli effect all people differently, and that it can affect more than just
Emilyanswers and Janj, thanks for your compassion :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Hi friend. I think the biggest mistake your gf has made, was to tell you about her past. This sort of thing would have been better off never discussed, and never known. It does not matter if she was a hooker, or just an easy lay. Nothing about the circumstances of how she slept with all these people will matter to your emotions. Trust me, when I tell you, its time to move on.
If you try to "suck it up", all you will really be doing is burring it deeper and deeper. To the point where it will start to destroy your inner self. Your confidence, sexual prowess, your ego, all of it will be deflated eventually. What you are going to experience, if you decide to stay with her, is going to be your own version of hell.
You don't have to be perfect, and obviously you are not. Unfortunately this is not about being perfect, or not having any ghosts in your past. What this is about is incompatibility. Your distraught over her sexual history, and that will never change. Even though you guys may be completely compatible in every other way, this will undo all of that.
You think I am kidding, or maybe being dramatic. But I am not. If you talk to her about it, she will leave you. You cant discuss this with her, it will make her feel as though her value is diminishing. The more you bring it up, the more likely she will be to leave you. Especially depending on how you bring it up. With a subject like this, its extremely difficult to keep your cool, and keep your composure.
If you dont bring it up, you will constantly obsess over it in your head. You will think about it always! You will wake up thinking about it, and go to sleep thinking about it. It may get to a point where it causes you to have problems performing sexually. You will become frustrated with her. Everything she does will make you angry. You will find another outlet for your agony.
If you wanted to do what is best for you, and her, you would leave the relationship and start over. This is not something you can easily forget... In fact, it is said to be easier to forgive someone for cheating than it is to look over someones sexual past. If you decide to stay with her, this could quite possible be the most difficult thing you have ever had to overcome.
Look, im not trying to be a jerk, just give you some advice from the other side. If you think you can muster up enough gut to end this relationship, then you should do it now and not wait 5 years into the marriage...
Best of luck...
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reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 October 2008):
This must have been a shock but you just have to suck it up.
My husband had ex girlfriends - he was even engaged once before. But I don't think about it because I don't really want that image in my head.
It has to be the same with you. You have to stop crying about it, stop talking about it and discussing how you feel and going over and over and over and over it together.
It happened. She's not proud of it. But she was honest about it. It's made her into the woman you fell in love with.
So forget about it and move on.
We British call it having a stiff upper lip. You stop whining and you do the job in hand, and in this case the job in hand is loving your girlfriend and living your life. Present and future - not past.
Good Luck!! xx
PS. I named this thread. We have to put one line summarising the question and make it different from all the other hundred million "I can't get over my girlfriend's past" questions. There are about a hundred of them exactly like that so feel free to do a search and have a read of the other advice that's already been given.
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reader, Janj +, writes (26 October 2008):
 I think the important thing to remember is that she never loved any of those men, and that evidently, if she trusts you enough to tell you that, she does love you.
You've got to stop thinking about the past, and concentrate on the present- and the future.
It's totally understandable that you feel upset- i think anyone would be, but you must stick by her, and remember that it was probably much more traumatic for her.
I think that in time, you'll get over it. You'll realise that it's not something that needs to affect your relationship- it's all over now- and she was never unfaithful to you.
I hope everything works out ok, buddy x
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reader, harveyj +, writes (26 October 2008):
harveyj is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't name this thread, so "She used to be a prostitute!!" it has a bit more "shock" value than I would've conveyed myself.
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reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (26 October 2008):
 asides from long distance relationships not working.
and.. yes we all make bad choices. some worse than others. but she at least thinks enough of you to tell you.
now putting the hooker story and money aside for a moment.
how is this any different from her going out and "having Sex" with lots of other guys anyone?.. oh no she lost her virginity and it wans't to you!
you're gonna sit there and tell me you've been mr perfect. and never just had sex with a girl. never had a one nighter. never had a fuck buddy? ( course if you haven't then... wtf? )
i will keep this short and simple.
"She knows that it hurts for me, and I've cried many times with her, but I keep telling her that I won't stop loving her. How can I make the pain go away, so that I can be a better man for her,"
how to be a better man... well lets try not being a whiney little Boy about this shall we?
This is *NOT* you. this is not about what you can do for her, how you can change her evil ways of damnation to the fiery bowels of hell.
What can you do? look at what you did. you remember it. your one Big regret. you know what i'm talking about because everyone has one. we all makes mistakes. no one is perfect. except for me.
Get over it. Grow up. if you "love" her then accept that she did what she had to do for her education and her future. no it wasn't the perfect choice. but she did make A choice.
besides had she not had done it. she woulnd't have gone to school. and chances are you'd have never had met.
Boy meets Girl.. Big deal, get on with it.
ain't it about time you told her your secret Mr. Perfect?
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