A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,My partner and I have been together a year and live in the UK together. Our flat is seriously tiny, with only one bedroom, but he invited three of his friends to stay with us for a week when they came from Brazil, his home country. For the first day or 2 it was just about bearable. But they didn’t talk to me, and complained to him about things I take as standard, such as asking for shoes off in the house and no smoking. They said to him I did not make them feel welcome. I asked him to stop always chatting with them in Portuguese so I could try and get to know them, and to stop coming in at 2am and making a lot of noise because he was off work but I wasn’t and I was getting very sleep deprived. They also took over the fridge without asking and I could not even eat in my own home because they were always in the kitchen making food, and seemed to expect me to clean up after them in the bathroom - household help is common there but I’m his partner!I ended up arguing with him about it when I was woken at 2am again after a hard day at work and obviously they heard us. I was so run-down and tired from a week of this and no privacy. They packed and left without saying good-bye and went to stay in a hotel. I didn’t mean for this to happen and I was trying to do my best. Now he is furious with me as they are ‘his dearest friends’. I told him I would do what I could to make it right, even though I thought they were rude, but now he won’t forgive me and says it is my fault. Does anyone know what to do? Usually he is lovely and a wonderful partner. I wanted this to go well but it didn't and I am so upset.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 No smoking in the house is a reasonable request. Shoes off in the house, not so common but if it is a tiny space, an acceptable request, especially if he explained to them before they arrived .....
Excitement of seeing friends for the first time in a long time could excuse the occassional lapses into non english, as long as it wasn't consistent, that would have been rude in front of their hostess.
Coming in more than once at 2am with no thought for those who had to work in the morning was also inconsiderate.
Your boyfriend, when he invited his friends to stay in the small one bedroom flat he shares with his girlfriend, really should have advised them of the no smoking, no shoes inside, girlfriend has to work, lets try and keep it down BEFORE they arrived. That way there would have been no nasty surprises for them.
You need to put the responsibility for the behaviour of his guests firmly in his lap, if he persists in it still being your fault for upsetting his 'dearest friends" ask him what is more important, him allowing his dearest friends to disrespect you and your home, or them. Tell him the choice is up to him. Hopefully he will calm down and agree it was unfortunate and he could have handled the whole thing better, especially BEFORE they got there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): You made your partner embarrassed with such a low tolerance. You could manage it better than this if you wanted to. Imagine that if you were married would you still treat them like that? I am not saying there were right but if you love your partner you would do it for him. Here is when then cultural differences cause problem I’m sure if you go there they will treat you with hospitality, cook for you and entertained you so you feel like home. Some of my friends have the same problem with their European wives. They can’t have any friends or relative at their home because they will be embarrassed! In some cultures this is an important part and if you want to have future together please takes it seriously as this will cause issues in the future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 August 2012):
 He is being an ass.
Simple COMMON manners means that you don't abuse your hosts home. You do not speak another language if you have a person who doesn't speak it. And honestly, instead of cleaning up after then, I would tell HIM to either clean it or HIM to tell them to pick up.
However since it was only for a week I would probably suck it up. Though I would;d most likely make some plans with other friends so he could spend some time speaking his native language with HIS friends too.
Talk to him.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (10 August 2012):
Explain to your partner that you didn’t intend to drive his friends away, and that you did not want things to turn out like this. However, you should also tell him that you acted out of frustration because you didn’t feel that they were being very respectful. He should, if he’s reasonable, be able to see that being kept awake until some unsocial hour when you’ve got a job to go to is unfair and selfish. Perhaps next time his friends visit they should stay in a local hotel. Unfortunately lots of people sharing a small space is bound to cause arguments and tension. Your boyfriend is probably hurt that his friends were upset, but understandable though that is, you shouldn’t feel unable to voice legitimate grievances and he should try to see things from your point of view. Of course the language barrier doesn’t help communication, were you able to speak directly with his friends and make yourself understood? If your partner is Brazilian perhaps you should try and learn a bit of Portuguese so that you can get to know his friends a little better.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 August 2012):
 He is being very selfish blaming all of this on you. I can understand that they are his friends and he probably just wanted to have them feel welcome in his home, but at the end of the day they should respect you and your home as well and ensure that they are quiet if they are coming in late. Your boyfriend should be thinking about you as well. He is being unfair here. He will calm down eventually I am sure. But if it was me I would just stand my ground.
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