A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I guess I already know the answer to my question, but need a little kick in the arse to make a move. I am mid 40's...so is my boyfriend. We've been together for more than a year. The relationship has been really great. Or HAD been until a huge blow up a month or two ago when I asked him if he would please get the door for me when we go places. His basic take on it was that he does enough for me and that women always want more, more, more. It never did sit well with me even after we moved on from it. Anyway, recently I have been beginning to be bothered by his "need" to check his phone for sports scores updates and articles. To be fair, he's done it all along and I have tried to either ignore it or rationalize it and say, he's a great guy in many other ways, so just let it go. For background, not only does he check it all the time at random times, but gets up from the table at Thanksgiving to look at it on TV, powers up the phone DURING CHRISTMAS CHURCH SERVICES, and then, of course, when we are together. It especially has begun to bother me because we are both really busy with jobs and houses and kids and we rarely have quality time together. So I mention this about the phone. World War 4 breaks out. I say 4 because "3" was over the door opening. His "comments" include, he thought he was a great guy and now it turns out he's not, I'm starting to nit pick on him, he's not going to be a pussy, he's not going to be controlled, he's not going to stop, if I don't like it and there's an important game on he'll just stay home and I can do my own thing, other guys are going out all the time drinking and gambling and womanizing and all he does is want to know the score, this is why he teaches his son to be hard and not be nice to women becuase if you are too nice they walk on you, he feels himself becoming harder and more closed off becuase of my requests, women love assholes and he's should just be an asshole becuase then instead of nit picking I would be begging him to do things with me, etc. etc. I mean, it was shocking...again. I guess I shouldn't have been shocked after his reaction to the door thing, but I was. And as an aside, how can he say that women want a guy to be a doormat and if they are nice to her, the woman just wants "more" (in terms of now pull my chair out for me, now get my coat), but then in the next sentence say woman want assholes? I feel abused and demoralized. I saw a future with this guy. I'm confused and shocked. Any advice?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 April 2012):
 That type of a blow-out over opening doors and not checking his phone? REALLY? That's basic manners, not some extravagant, difficult requests. In fact, it's COMMON CURTSEY. If he is going to blow up and go crazy over minor things like those, can you imagine what he will do or say when it comes to important things? Do you want to be with someone that refuses to do normal, respectful things when requested? Sounds to me like someone is set in their own ways and gets very defensive/selfish when it comes to changing those ways. Sorry to say this, but he has "Loser" written all over him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): @AnonMale- I am tired of women being told to be pleasant, and be appreciative when their partner is being a fool.
@OP- I think you are better off finding someone who is a bit less bitter about women. I have been with this type, and you just end up hating your own feminity after a while.
I understand trying to accept someone's behaviour for a time, then just realising you flat can't anymore. He may compromise, but I highly doubt it.
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (25 April 2012):
My question to you is...If nothing about him ever changed...would you still want to be in a relationship with him??? I understand all to well the opening doors & pulling out chairs...it is something that I am use to & I appreciate when a man has these traits or is willing to do them simple because to make me happy. It sounds like there is no COMPROMISING with him. What you are asking for is not unreasonable...at all, however I do wonder HOW it is being asked or preceived by him. Does he feel that you are demanding him? He made the statement....your not going to control me!
As I'm sure you know, HOW we approach a man about what we want from them.... is half the battle...if we are nagging, aggressive, bossy & acting entitled...we will get resistance. However, if you feel your approach was respectful & rational....As you said earlier...HE IS RUDE, uncompromising & a jerk..I might add. So, you know this upfront. You know exactly what your dealing with & he doesn't care about your feelings or your needs. Now, moving forward...if nothing about him ever changed, would you still want to be in a relationship with him??? If you feel you could be happy without the doors being opened & him on his phone every 5 minutes....great, make the adjustment & deal with it. But if you can't......don't fool yourself & expect...more of the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): **I am the original poster of this question**
To answer honeypie, I guess what made me ask for the door thing and the cell phone thing was simply this: It always bothered me, but I have this tendency to stuff my feelings and not mention things in order to keep the peace. As for the door, I did keep feeling noticeably worse when he would walk through the door and there I'd be in my skirt with my purse on the wrong side of it. I figured that instead of expecting a man to read your mind, you should just say something like "honey, when we go into stores and restaurants, would you please get the door for me". If I hadn't said anything and just kept feeling, literally, left out in the cold, I suppose people would ask why I didn't just ask if he'd do that common courtesy for me. Same with the phone. It always made me feel bad. It's not that he wants to see what the score is...it's that I don't have his attention becuase he's either checking or thinking about when the next break in the conversation will be so he can check. He is not fully present and there are times when I want that. Not when we're cooking dinner and the kids are playing around and the tv is on. Or when we are painting a room and he puts the brush down to go look, but when we get a rare weekend away, or a rare dinner in a nice restaurant.
What is the most troublesome thing to me here is not the door or the phone anymore, but his rude, verbally abusive yelling and ranting about how he doesn't agree. Really! Telling me that this is why he is going to teach his son (ON PURPOSE) to be hard and cold to women and to treat them like shit because they like it better that way!!!??? Really!?!?!?!?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2012):
 What was your thoughts behind wanting him to get the door for you from now on? I'm curious as to why all of a sudden that became a "need" or demand from you.
As I see it, some men are raised to get the door, the chair, order the food, the wine, plan the date.. you name it. Other guys weren't raised that way. Then of course you have the guy who use all these chivalry moves in the courtship of a woman to impress her.
So I'm trying to figure out why it's such a big deal NOW to you.
As for his cell phone manner, well they aren't uncommon, but they are really really rude. I don't get how people can live on their phones like that, but each to their own I guess.
You said he always did this as well, so something triggered you to tell him it was no longer appreciated, I suggest you figure out what that is.
Hoping a guy will change is IMHO a waste of time. Trying to talk about issues that upset you and finding a compromise can initiate a change though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): You are trying to change him and his habits is why you are getting this reaction. You have to accept someone as they are. You didn't say a thing while you were together all that time and now you are trying to alter him.
You will never find the perfect person and men don't stick around long if you nag them about things they do that make you unhappy. Learn to let things go and in the bigger picture, if he checks his phone too much or doesn't open doors, is it worth leaving him over? Only you can answer that but if it's not, let what comes out of your mouth be appreciative and not petty.
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