A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a very deep pain. And I have no where to go and ask. Please help. I am married for 15 years. I have three kids.I saw a condom in my husband wallet when he went on a trip to New York with his friends. How i found out was Taking out money for kids from his pocket for school. I woke him up asked him, he said oh it is there for me and it's here in the wallet since we went to a trip last time which was 4 months ago. I agreed and believed himNow 10 days ago I was looking for money and found a condom again in his wallet this time I stayed quiet and thought I will see when will he use it. After ten days yesterday I checked and condomwas gone. He did go out yesterday he said he is going to our freinds house and will be back soon he stayed out for 3 hours. Now I am worried did he used this condom or put it back where we keep our condoms and I am going crazy. I am not gonna ask himBecause now I want to see if he put another one in his wallet in few day but I am going crazy if he uses it or he put it back where we keep the condoms ??. I did found out during my own investigation that he goes out to get massage done and he hides it from me. I saw a Thai massage parlour receipt in his wallet. What do you guys think and I don't trust anyone else to talk about this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017): hmmm...why would he be "making a mess" during a massage? What kind of mess do you think he is talking about? What the hell other kind of mess could you cover with a condom hahaha oh dear.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (22 February 2017):
 I don't believe the story about using a condom to stop making a mess during massage. That sounds complete BS. If anything it makes me more convinced he is cheating on you big time.
If you believe that story you are the fool he takes you for.
I don't blame you for coming out with your suspicions. If you are still allowing him in the house you have nothing to lose by fitting the GPS, but I believe the trust is already broken.
I think you should be looking for a clean exit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay I couldn't control myself I tried for so many days and then we just had a fight, about us going out and he said no. So I said to him everything which was on my heart at first he denied then when I told him with evidence that I had he agreed to it. And when I asked him why you need to carry the condomsHe said just so during massage he doesn't make mess. And he doesn't agree on having any wrong realtionship but he said he hid it from me he is sorry. But still lots of questions why need to carry the condoms plus he denied of missing condoms. Now my tension is that it's not a full truth and I said or asked all these things quickly before my gps device arrived. Now I feel I should have shut my self up but I was too full and blasted everything which I knew about him. My question is that did I do wrong and I got notification that I am getting gps device today so waiting for it but did I messed up breaking the truth that I know too soon? :( I just couldn't control I was in so much pain. What should be my next step?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): He takes showers sweetie because he is dirty from having sex with other women and he is washing away the evidence.
Especially if this behaviour has become a HABIT!
You will catch him!
Patience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): It will cost 600$ ?! Hun I'm sorry but that is obviously code for I will have a threesome with you both, and that is the charge.
Sorry OP but you have to be reasonable. She gave you a coded message. NO massage in history has cost 600$ unless it was a very special kind of massage indeed! I.E. SEX
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay yea I had the same question in my mind she knows how to do those massages if she is willing to teach me. I am waiting for the gps. And I don't know if its normal to take showers after massages because there are quiet a lot of time when he comes home late he says I have to take a shower because I used a dirty washroom today and I don't feel clean. Little I knew what was the actual reason. Well I will have to see his patterns for long maybe there are more than one parlour you never know.
You are right even when he says something truth I dont believe him. Any thing he says now I think he is lying. And this is not the way to live.
Thank you for listening and giving advice, this is the issue I can't talk to a freind or my mom or sister this is just too embarrassing :(
Thanks again!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): Hi OP.Please do not be naïve here.She is NOT going to tell you the truth. Why? Because she would be risking her job and livelihood by telling a potential customer who is a stranger to her, that she does sexual massages (up to and including happy endings). Nobody who does that is going to TELL anyone that they do it! They do NOT want it to get out or become public knowledge! It is illegal. She could risk jail time as well as losing her business and reputation. So, it's a LIE.YES, she DOES do happy endings and YES, she does do sexual massages. BUT that is kept private between her and whatever clients PAY her for this service. It is all done discreetly, between her and her clients, and the money is given under the table. So, the transactions and the goings on of other clients will be none of your business. And she would never tell you this. She would never advertise sexual massages as part of her services! Never. It is going to be an arrangement between her and a client that wants this service which she provides discreetly. Ok?The fact she is willing to show you how to do a sensual massage which is in fact SEXUAL, shows where there is smoke, there is FIRE. She is perfectly capable of doing this. Why would she even KNOW HOW if she does not entertain this possibility at all with clients? AND the fact she is willing to show you with your partner present tells me this woman is SHADY and very EXPERIENCED in the art of sexual massages.And is very much into it for the MONEY. That is WHY she does it. Cold, hard cash. If your husband is wacking off with her, you can rest assured she is in it for the money.So, please do not trust her, or your husband. Always be skeptical. Never pull the wool over your own eyes because you do not want to face the truth, what your gut is telling you and what is in front of you. Sometimes we need to go down the hard road, the road of brutal reality, which is finding out a spouse is cheating. Because we cannot allow them to do that to us. Or to continue doing that to us. We will be in pain for a long time once we find out and our lives never the same. But you will come out on the other side. It is better to know the truth than to live in that kind of agony every time your husband leaves the house. To be in agony every time you count his condoms and see a new one missing. And no end in sight. You need to know OP. Eyes wide open. As I said, this woman IS LYING. No doubt about it. She has got a lot to lose if her sleazy massage parlour antics get out. So, she is lying to protect her livelihood. People will do anything for money. Lie. Cheat. Steal.So, please do not abort your mission. Wait for the GPS and then follow him and catch him in the act.From this woman's actions, you should now be even MORE SURE something is going on here.For your own peace of mind and your own sanity, go ahead with this plan.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): And I also emailed that person the massage lady I asked her that I want to come and have massage and I have few freinds with me. She said she has no people to do multiple massage it's only her so she cannot acomodate multiple people my next question for her was. I said I also want to come with my husband to have oil massage to boost our sexual relationship she said she doesn't provide sexual massage to individual but she said I can teach you how to do sensual massage to your husband and also to you on each other and it will cost 600$. Why would she tell the truth she doesn't do happy endings. What do you guys think??
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Good for you for ordering the GPS device, OP! I am glad you did! That is the first step to catching him!NO, you are not crazy! You are SMART! Smarter than he ever bargained for!From your update, you are providing some very telling information.You say he goes to a woman who does massages privately in her own home?Hmmmmm.I think you might have struck the jack pot.Now, what I suggest is wait for the GPS, place it in his vehicle where it is WELL HIDDEN and he would NEVER find it.I will bet you that amazing little tracker will lead you right to the massage lady's house with him in it, without any clothes on, and right in the middle of the act!Remember, you need to catch them in the act. So, no knocking on the door or giving them time to prepare by putting clothes back on etc. You need to get in there and SEE it all for yourself RIGHT in the MIDDLE of the ACTION! There is no margin for error.Good luck!Looks like you are going to catch a cheater soon!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the advice, I have ordered the gps device online
It makes me feel little less crazy when I read all the views what you guys think and it's helping me that I am not crazy.
And I do suspect the massage thing he might be addicted to it. When I looked up the name of that massage parlour. This lady has very good reviews but she does it at her home. So I will never know what goes on there.
Thank you every one. I am still in the observing mode. It's very hard but this is the best way to catch his lies. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): If he is visiting a massage parlour, i.e. the kind with the prostitutes and "happy endings"...that in my books is absolutely cheating! So yeah, I think he is. I'm sorry to say.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): I'm sorry. It doesn't look good.He is cheating.What you need to do IS find out the truth. You DO NEED to know the TRUTH.So, you are going to have to keep quiet and play coy. I know it will be hard but it's the only way to trap him. If you let on even just a little that you are suspicious, he will cover his tracks better and totally throw you off.Now, it is time to WATCH.You are going to have to sit outside his place of work on the nights he comes home late. And watch him. Follow him. You will find out exactly what you need to know. I know it is expensive to hire a P.I. So, you are going to have to be that P.I. This is the best way to catch him.It is the only way.Also, ever thought of placing a GPS tracker underneath the seat of his car to see exactly where he is going when he is not coming home? This is a very inexpensive option when compared to a P.I and it works so well. You can set up a link on your computer or phone and see in REAL TIME where he is going. And you can check things out and also establish a pattern. Is he going to the same address all the time? How long does he stay there? The pieces of the puzzle will begin to fit together... Once you are pretty certain, he is going to one address all the time, you can show up there and catch him red handed.If you do not confront him with ABSOLUTE evidence, he is going to deny it, convince you that you are the one who is crazy or paranoid and he will continue doing it, only hiding it better.Ok?So, listen to what I have said.It is only a matter of time before cheaters slip up. You need to rely on their arrogance to get them into trouble. Most of them think they are smarter than you are. But in the end, you are going to prove them wrong. Thing is you are already a step ahead! You are wise to what he is up to. So, put your instincts and the red flags you have found to good use. TRACK HIM BY GPS. AND FOLLOW HIM. You will not go wrong.Above all, stay calm and act like you always do.Calm, cool, collected. Good luck.You are going to get your truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): thank you for all your replies, you guys have no idea sometimes its so nice to talk to someone. I have tried so many times of asking him if we can do something special monthly, like a nice dinner or just us time. But sadly he refuses all the time he says he cant, because he is not that type of person he doesn't believe in love. So whatever we do usually its by me forcing him to do. and when ever he is with me he looks extremely bored of out of it. and i ask him but he has no specific answer. And this type of his behavior is not new he was always like that. i have told him my feelings so many times how much it hurts me. And i thought okay he is this type of person there is nothing wrong. But now seeing all these signs make me think there is something he is hiding. He is extremely secretive. i cannot pin point.Now that i am seeing some signs i am observing him. He is very protective of his cell phone. but i dont see any numbers which are suspicious and the only thing i saw on his search feed he was looking into hotel room for 2, it cant be for me because his not romantic to me at all. so i am writing these tips down. but it is very hard because i totally blind trusted him and never thought i would be snooping on him. i dont like it. but for my peace of mind i am doing it. kind of like i want to know the truth. its very important for me to know the truth.After i saw the condom in his wallet i counted the condoms we had at home they were 52 from 24 jan till 5 feb now there are only 28 left. which mean 24 condoms are missing and i dont think i had sex with him this much a normal person cant do that. then i think maybe i am worng maybe i counted wrong but i did counted i remember. may be he took 17 or 18 with him to his office and thats when he goes out he takes it from there. this is making m crazy but i am trying to be very patience.But i am going crazy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): I'm normally the kind of guy who tries to not assume the worst- you know, things can be explained away by this and that, when you look for a problem you'll find one- that sort of thing.
However, not this time. You need the talk.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 February 2017):
Yes, you have reason to worry. It isn't certain but it does seem likely, coupled with the massage incidents.
The thing is, if you confront him and get him to admit it, can your marriage survive? Could you forgive this?
Relationship counselling might help you get through it together.
But, and this is a biggy, you must be prepared to hear stuff about you, of which you are presently unaware.
If he needed to go out side of the marriage was it just because he thought he wouldn't get caught? Or is he bored with what's on offer at home?
Believe me, I don't think that is an excuse. I am just preparing you for things you might not have considered. Too often one partner thinks everything is OK, and the other hasn't been able to get across his feelings.
I'm sorry for the pain and turmoil you are experiencing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): Also if you have firmer evidence, it will help with an easier divorce, entitle you to higher benefits and alimony. Considering your childrens' future, you should wait and gather evidence and proof.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): Oh my god. My warm hugs and support to you. I can understand the anxiety you are going through and all the questions racing in your head. Sorry to break it to you, it's very clear that he is cheating. The hidden thai massages and condom vanishing from the wallet are a big red flag. My advice is, for your future peace of mind, be calm and plan it out to catch him red handed. Do not ask him about it or make any changes in your behavior. Wait it out patiently and break with him after catching with firm evidence though these circumstantial evidences prove it already.I know this is hard to do and you want to just let all hell break loose. The fear is that he will convince you again and be more careful and clever in cheating. You having the attachment and secretly hoping that he is faithful, having 3 children with him, will be delusionally living a bad and unhappy marriage. You will end up going through the anxiety you are all your life then.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 February 2017):
 Now that he knows you have noticed the condom situation, he would be very foolish to carry on being careless - if that is, indeed, what he has been. You are going to drive yourself crazy wondering and checking. This is no way to live. Perhaps a better approach would be to try to but some excitement into your marriage. With 3 kids, I would imagine your husband is not often a priority. Do you two go out alone occasionally on "date nights"? Do you cuddle and tell each other you love each other? In your shoes I would put my energy into making the marriage stronger, rather than driving myself crazy wondering if anything is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): He is cheating. You are right to stop asking him as he will continue to lie and mess your head up. He is getting massages too. You need more evidence but, if you know this is all a deal breaker then quietly plan how to leave him while you gather it. Consider whether you should continue having sex with him. STI can be spread even with condom use.
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