A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My best friend Michael and I always hang out on his bed and play video games, watch movies, listen to music, do work, or just talk. Last night we were just watching tv and taking about past senerios and we hit some that are sensitive to me and I started to cry. He hugged me really tight and told me everything was gonna be alright. He kissed my neck saying it's alright and instant shivers went up my spine. To save unnecessary details, we messed around till we ended up having sex. This sex was some of the best sex I had ever had, he got me off on just oral before we got farther and Thats never happened to me before. Needless to say I spent the night and woke up this morning confused and disoriented to where I was. I sat up and cried which woke him and he sat up and hugged me from behind. We talked about it and both agreed since I care deeply for the man I'm with, we have been together 5 years and I had never cheated before, I need to tell him. I went to my boyfriends house and instantly felt the knot twisting, I couldn't tell him, after a few minutes of talking I went home.. I tried to forget it happened but over come with guilt I called him and told him that I was unfaithful. He demanded to know who but I would not say, I felt it wouldn't help because he would then start to compare the two of them. After crying my eyes out over the phone to the man I love who had also begun to cry, he hung up. We have tried texting and talking sort words of "I'm sorry" and "I'm disappointed in you". By no means do I think he has no right to be angry with me, I know what I have done is wrong, he has every right to be angry with me. He wants to meet up Tuesday for lunch and try to talk about this, and said only then will he truely know if he can give me another chance. How do I fix this? I have hurt the two closest people in my life and want to make things right. I do not regret what happened with Michael, but I regret the situation it occured, I should not have slept with someone else while I am dating someone. Both men are blaming themselves over that's happened. Michael doesn't want my relationship to end because of what we done. Please any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2017): Very few couples are able to survive cheating. The resentment sometimes lasts a lifetime. I know of two married couples, where one of them had cheated in the dating phase, and years later, the other one cheated. My theory is that somewhere deep down that other partner is not able to forgive that huge a betrayal. It also sounds like you still intend to remain friends with Michael- which I cannot see your boyfriend putting up with, unless he is a doormat. I also get the feeling that you ARE still considering how a relationship might work with Michael.Good luck, but I think you might have to let your current relationship go...you are still quite young so probably you are not ready to settle down yet, and this is your way of expressing it. Hopefully you will come out of this experience wiser than before. It is never appropriate to "hang out" on someone's bed of the opposite sex (unless you are straight). How would you feel if your boyfriend did that with another girl?
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (7 February 2017):
 Do you actually want to be with your bf? It really seems that apart from sex, you basically act like bf/gf with M. Why don't you really ask yourself who you would prioritise/ who you'd rather grow old withIt will knock the hell out of your bf but you CANT live a lie. He's already going through hell, every day, wondering what the hell this strong connection is to M. I'm kind of there now, my bf has a girl best friend, he says he has no feelings but that anxiety never complete goes away... It can drive the most rational person up the wall.I think youre going to have to fight with everything you have for your bf, IF you decide to choose him. That involves cutting the contact right down with M after wht you've done. Please do the right thing by him. Your bf's worst paranoid fear has come true and you eed to understand the consequences of your actions.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 February 2017):
 I am glad that you see clearly what you have done. Good luck with your lunch date today. What you are facing in a possible reconciliation after a physical affair is a very long and hard path. If you decide together to pursue this path you will need the best help to win. Find a marriage counselor that you both trust. Don't hold back any truth. Go strictly no contact with M. Confess to friends and family so they know why you two ( you and M ) are no longer talking, and so they can support your decision to heal this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2017): Update: I decided that yes my boyfriend needed to know who. I thought by not saying who it would keep him from doing what he does which is compare and contrast everything. This did not work it in fact made everything worse. I talked to them both(separately ). Because of recent events me and Michael won't be in his room anymore even though that's where we have hung out since we were kids. Yes as one of the commenters said these things don't happen on "accident" and I will admit it was a mistake that it occured, the regret soon followed after this post was posted so I don't know if it was just because of the emotions that hung around afterwards or why, but it is regretted now heavily. Although physically it was the best sex, this sex should not have occured I am not a single woman and should have pushed away. Also my boyfriend, now knowing who it is, is wary about me being around Michael (and he has every right to be wary I understand that). my post sounds shallow and low I know this, however, if I did not express everything I am feeling/felt, I would not receive the proper advice. Tuesday I am still going to lunch with my boyfriend, and we are going to talk. Whatever happens I'll respect his choice due to my actions. I don't want to seem like I am trying to cover up anything, I know what I did was wrong, but I want to try and make it right, I've done what I know I can do for now, only when I see my boyfriend Tuesday will I know if I can fix this at all. Thank you everyone for your feedback I needed blunt honesty in this situation. This is a first for me, and by no means do I want it to occur again, so I've been confused about what I was/am feeling and how to deal with this.
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A
male
reader, VitaminZ +, writes (6 February 2017):
Fatherly Advice, nails it.
It is foolish to think a guy wouldn't want to sleep with a girl, unless she were really ugly. Michael likes you and has been holding back all this time. He made his move and he's thrilled he finally got into you.
If Michael's really your best friend, I'd choose him.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 February 2017):
Clearly Michael is more important to you than your boyfriend. Break it off with your BF and be with the guy you really want to be with. It is unfair to the BF for him to always be second fiddle to this other guy. Do right by him and let him go.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 February 2017):
 I am very surprised that both men are blaming themselves when it is you who did the cheating. It is very hard to comprehend how can a victim blame himself for the actions of the perpetrator.
You cannot undo cheating. You cheated and it is up to your victim, which your BF, to decide whether to forgive you or not. You facilitated that decision in your favor somewhat by coming forward and admitting. You could further facilitate it by being avoiding trickle-truthing and being remorseful.
However, you already are trickle-truthing by avoiding to tell him who the guy is you cheated with. Also, your post show ZERO remorse because you say: "I do not regret what happened with Michael, but I regret the situation it occured, ". In other words, you don't regret cheating but you regret being caught cheating. That is not the way to fix anything. I think your BF will pick up on these and things may not go well for the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 February 2017):
 I've had male friends and mature guys can handle it without developing feelings. However, it doesn't work if there's any sexual attraction. You've crossed that line and you can't keep both around.
Do not lie any more. Give your boyfriend a week to decide and if he can't, you need to break up. In the cases of affairs, breaking up is almost always inevitable, even if it takes a while.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 February 2017):
Dear Original poster,
There comes a time when mollycoddling is no longer helpful and the only thing that will help you is the bare bold truth.
Many foolish women are under the false belief that they can be close friends with men, and that there will never be any sexual feelings involved. The truth is every one of your male friends over the age of 12 has been hoping, trying, scheming, and angling to do exactly what M. did. Men and young men don't form relationships with women for mutual support, and fun. They want something more, they are hoping for a Romantic sexual relationship. And if the ever get the green light they will proceed at full speed before the door gets slammed in their face.
Second there is no man in the world who will ever believe that it was an accident or a mistake, that you just fell on his penis. Why? Because they have been trying to make that "accident" happen since they were 12 years old, and they know how impossible it is.
Third if your boyfriend of 5 years knew what you have told us he would be crushed. He would not want to see your face or hear your voice or even think about you. Except he would. Every girl he sees out of the corner of his eye will be you, and it will rip his heart out every time. Every voice or laugh in the crowd will be you, and it will send daggers into him. Every time he closes his eyes he will see you in bed with another man, his blood will boil. This is what you have done to the man who trusted you. This is how you treat people who you "care deeply" for.
If he knew that after 5 years with you every sexual experience he has shared with you paled in the face of M.s first try, he would be so ashamed that he would never achieve an erection in your presence.
M. has never NOT wanted your relationship with Mr. 5 year to end. He is trying to look respectable, but inwardly he is giving himself a high five every minute. He is hoping with all of his heart that Mr. 5 will drop you like a hot potato so he can console you again as soon as possible.
That is the nasty truth. I know it will not give you any comfort. What it will do is give you the information you need to make a rational decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): And one more thing. Michael is not the one who has a say in what should happen to your relationship. It's not his matter of concern whether it ends or not. This shows how much more important he is to you than your bf or relationship when you say "Michael doesn't want my relationship to end because of what we have done". However this is not about him. It's about your bf.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): Firstly,You two were best friends only up to the point where you both hadn't developed any sexual attraction to each other. It obviously occurred way before you both had sex. If it hadn't been there, you'd have pushed him away when he came on to you after hugging.Secondly,Maybe this shows that your relationship of 5 years isn't as great as you think it is. If having amazing sex with a friend you are attracted to took a greater priority than scarring this relationship, it's a choice you made of the better. The opportunity was more important to you than the relationship because somewhere deep down, you know this relationship is not going anywhere. You don't seem like the person who did it to take advantage of a partner or because you need validation from multiple people or because you have 'loose' morals. The sex with your friend was meaningful and emotional to you. To conclude, you need to review this relationship with your boyfriend and see if you were emotionally satisfied in it in the first place. Dig for the reason why this incident occurred, apart from sexual attraction, which many of us shrug off at the thought of our existing relationship.You should be able to break up with your bf as he will not be able to fully forgive you or trust you in future. It is now a scarred relationship, which wasn't even perfect in the first place. There's going to be more consequences from this incident as well. Five years ago you were way to young to find a right match. So it's better to let go of this relationship and start afresh with someone new and more suitable than making this incident a part of your relationship or character. You don't want to be in a relationship where you are permanently labelled a 'cheater'. Do break up mutually and move on. Fortunately, you both aren't tied by marriage, don't have kids and are really young with a whole sea of opportunities and garden of life ahead. Think of this incident as a catalyst for breaking up from the wrong match than as a bad deed committed by you.You may not be innocent, but you aren't as bad a person as you think you are right now. You just need to learn to break up before you cheat in an insufficient relationship.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 February 2017):
 Forgot to add. I think it would be pretty selfish of you to not tell your BF that you cheated with your best friend because IF he decides to forgive you, he has no idea whatsoever that you'll still be hanging out with the guy you slept with.
And let's be honest, you said the sex was great, so don't try and tell us that you wouldn't be tempted to do it again.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 February 2017):
There's nothing you can do. You made the decision to cheat and now the future of your relationship is with your BF.
You give your BF the space to think, you discuss things over lunch and he decides whether he wants to stay with you or not.
That's all there is to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): Do you want to remain in contact with Michael? Then you have to tell your BF he was the guy.
Do you want to keep the identity of the guy from your BF? Then you have to cut all regular contact with Michael.
You have a choice to make. If you keep Michael as a friend and don't tell your BF it was him then you are disrespecting your BF. He has the right to know the identity of the other guy as long as the other guy is still in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): I'm the one who posted the question, An update just occured. Michael, the one I slept with, said after thinking it over he doesn't regret it happening and he thinks he feels something now. Oh god please help me I've caused a huge mess..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): Cowgirl Up.Tell your boyfriend of 5 years that you were upset and lying to him as a test. Tell him that you've never been unfaithful to him and you never will be.Make that your story and stick to it. Swallow the guilt and put it down deep.That's all that will work. Otherwise, tell your boyfriend it's off and fly.That's how life works. Deal with it.
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