A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3years 3months, just recently he found out the guy I lost my virginity to was 20yr old and I was only 16, I regret it completely and know it was a huge mistake when I was immature young and drunk. He lost his virginity to me there's nothing I can do to stop my partner from being upset or angry about how I have ruined him and the rest of his life, he lovesMe but is finding it hard to live with me He will be fine and then for a few days in a row he will be really upset crying, ignoring me, and being angry in general, he will only briefly talk to me and we always end up fighting about it! He tells me that it will hurt More to break up with me then to have to deal with it everyday with me around so he will stay with me but be sad!! I don't know what I should do I can't comfort him or even speak as he is very touchy on the subject I just want it to go away and be in the past, but it's so hard when he keeps bringing it up as he has thought about it I really don't know what to do please helpppp!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): Get a grip! and stop pampering to the whines and whims of people, who always want to wallow in self pity and self created misery. You lost/gave/shared your virginity with another man. Why make excuses and blame drink and tarnish your EXPERIENCE. This was part of YOUR life and you should have no regrets and have no need to explain your self to anybody. Stop feeding his self pity and let him feel sad but 'alone'.
Do you want to be with a person who's mind is so closed and screwed on shaming you and your past.
I have no shame about the loss of my virginity when I was younger, was it(special)yes! although others would say otherwise and did :) it was special because it was the beginning of MY sexual experiences/adventures in life not a tick box to suit what society or future partners say is the correct way to loose virginity.
He has no right to make you feel guilt or shame and you should remember that this DARK SHADOW hanging over you ( that belongs in your boyfriends mind) was actually a person with feelings too and who knows he may treasure his memories with you.
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (3 February 2014):
Did your boyfriend know you weren't a virgin before losing his virginity to you? Did you know he was a virgin?I think life is about fairness. When two people are going to have sex and only one of them is a virgin, both parts must be fully aware of the situation. That's fair.Of course, you didn't ruin his life nor yours. If what you did in your past makes this relationship impossible, that's not your fault nor his fault. It's only something that happens all the time. Things we do every day affect our future and we can't do anything about it.As for what you boyfriend is suffering right now: I mostly agree with the anonymous female who talked about retroactive jealousy (OCD like). You won't be able to help him because (for his mind) you are the problem. So the best thing you can do is break up with him. He will never forget this completely, even if he can manage his anger.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 YOU did not ruin his life or your life.
YOU did something you regret... don't have regrets... it's over and done with and live with it.
Sadly I think finding a new boyfriend is going to be your next big issue... if HE can't cope with the fact that you have a life without him and before him, then his insecurity and immaturity will make your life a living hell and it's NOT worth it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Oh boo hoo. He's sad but you have your dignity and he'll get over it forget about it! he will
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Well this will be the first time since the world was made, that a man’s life was ruined because his now partner had sex with someone else. What was ruined? His ego. People like to take pride in being the first sexual partner for someone else, and finding out he was not yours…the tears, the hurt feelings, and the anger. He should be mad at himself for acting like a child who didn’t get his favourite toy. He should be happy it was just one guy. There are men out there who want to date porn stars. I am sorry, but have no sympathy for men who want to control what a woman has to offer them, before they judge themselves on what they have to offer a woman. So now that you had sex with one guy before him means, YOU are defective, YOU are broken, and there is something wrong with….wait for it…YOU!! Really? He is perfect because he only had sex with you. If he wanted to be perfect, he should have said “Thank you for giving me part of you, and thank you for being my first.” Or better yet, wait until he was married. Good sex comes from love, and how much effort each partner put into their sexual relationship. Pride has no place in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): I understand RJ pretty well but I don't understand why the age suddenly tripped him off. My guess is it made your BF feel like you were the other guy's easy score instead of you making more of a voluntary choice to do it with an equal. Its not fun finding out that someone you treasure was someone else's throwaway, especially not in a first-love situation.If there is anything you can say to make it sound like this 20yo guy thought more of you than just an easy fuck, that is probably what your BF needs to hear. Don't keep trying to make it sound like it was meaningless for both of you. Your BF probably wishes it was more meaning-FULL for the other guy. (When cute guys your age are screwing around with girls several years younger, what do you think about those girls? Yeah . . well is how your BF is suddenly seeing YOU.)As for what it meant to you, if it wasn't meaningful then at least make it sound like the other guy put some effort into getting you and you thought there might be some kind of relationship coming with him. The problem is that your BF has looked at sex with you like a big prize and now he is finding out the prize was just given a way for much less than he "paid" before he met you. Making your BF think it was completely meaningless for both you and the other guy is most likely the PROBLEM, not the solution.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Very unmasculine. Turn off im sure. Who cares. Hes failing to look at the big picture with you and hes wrong for judging. Do not let him damage you. End this and its problem if he cant deal with the breakup not yours.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Wow so according to him his "problem" is that your first was 20? Not that you had sex with someone else?
To me that sounds like he is afraid of not measuring up. But it also seems like he is USING this to make YOU feel like crap.
YOU HAVE NO REASON to feel bad about this.
It happened BEFORE you two met/started dating. How is that FAIR that he hold it over your head?
Please look up RJ and Uncle YOS here on DC it might give you a little insight into RJ (or google retrograde jealousy/Retrograde Jealousy )
This is not something you can FIX for him. But it's CERTAINLY not something you should ACCEPT from him either. It's BEEN 3 years and it's only recently he is making this such a big deal?
Could it be that he feels like YOU had had some experiences and he has only been with you? Again - not something YOU can fix.
YOU didn't RUIN his life. That is just ridiculous.
DO NOT accept that as "truth".
They only way this will go away is if you tell him he needs to find a way to accept it, or you two are DONE.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Oh my goodness! Tell him you are not prepared to be with somebody who is going to be sad all the time, it is emotional blackmail, tell him there is no way you can reverse what has happened, he needs to either get over it or get out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): Oh, sweetie, I know this must be really hard for you.The thing about retroactive jealousy (I have had serious struggles with it before) is that it's a type of OCD, and it consumes you. When I was with me ex (I didn't have previous partners and he did), I thought about them all the time. I knew what they looked like. I found old notes from them. I thought about them when my ex and I were having sex. They were the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic; I'm just telling you so you understand how serious it is (even though you may have already realized this).I solved the problem by breaking up with my ex. If I hadn't, I'm sure he would've broken up with me once he got fed up with my inability to let go of his past.I'm sorry, but this is your bf's problem and it will take a lot of introspection and hard work on his part to finally get rid of (or at least significantly reduce) his retroactive jealousy. Basically, it all comes down to insecurity. He doesn't think he's good enough, and there is NOTHING you can say or do that will change his mind. He has to figure it out on his own, and it could take years.I know this is going to be difficult, but I think you need to break up with him. Not only is he struggling, but YOU deserve better and shouldn't have your past brought up again and again. You've moved on and accepted your mistakes (we've all made them), but your bf can't do the same and you'll be better off without him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Wow, okay I'm glad you were truthful to him and it wasn't a cheating thing.
He has some serious issues if the problem was that the guy was 20 years old. I agree then with the other aunts - this is *his* problem, and he needs to deal with it and not take it out on you. He has no right to punish you because of your past, and if he refuses to see the issue for what it is, he will lose you.
Freaking out about his age makes me wonder if this isn't some sort of performance anxiety thing as well as a jealousy thing. But either way, obsession is a condition he can treat if he has the self-awareness to deal with.
You need to stop feeling guilty and face him head on and tell him he needs to see a doctor to get help for this, or you have got to go. He needs to address it because it won't get any better if he leaves you and dates another..he'll find a reason to be jealous of a new girlfriend, even if she is a virgin. Any sort of past will cause him suspicion and obsession.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): you don't want to hear this, but he has to choices, stay with you and shut up about it or go away because he cannot deal with it. but he chose a secret 3rd option he made up! stay with you and torment you about your past.
definitely not a keeper, you regret your first time with such passion it is almost traumatic, darling you made a mistake, is not like you got raped.
so it was not ''the ideal'' first time. big deal a lot of us have been in that situation, you move on and learn from it, over come it and become better for it, not drag your self trough the mud with the memories ( of something i can guarantee you is not as sinister, humiliatingly horrible and gloomy as you remember it ) you only remember your first time to be so horrible and devastating because of this boyfriend of yours.
it was just a silly night you had, you are suppose to look back on it and think, well that was my first time, not an ideal one but the only one i got.
the problem is you got your little wimpy boyfriend making you feel even worst about it, prob cause it makes him feel better, yes tormenting you makes him feel good, don't believe me? well normally if you find someone you love has done something wrong ( which you haven't ) but lets say he is not happy with your choice in life, then why is he with you? because he loves you? but not enough to take time of his daily schedule to make you feel like s**t about it, knowing you don't feel too good about it already.
he found your weak point and he is pressing it, why would he do that?
reason
No1 the worst you feel about your self, the more likely you are to stay with him, because you don't think you can find someone better.
no2 maybe he wants to try some sexual things he thinks you might disapprove of but if he reminds you he already thinks you are a wh**e you might just give in without complaining.
no3 if you feel like a you ruined his life you will put up with anything from him... because lets face it, you owe him.( or so he thinks )
he is an over acting little drama queen who is putting on a play to weaken you emotionally, is what it sounds like, have you even though about this logically? how can you have hurt him so damh bad, by doing something years before you met him? the only ones life you could have ruin with your actions was your own, and even that is a bit of a stretch.
please please please put your foot down, love your self more than this, and tell him to either drop the subject and accept you with all your ''flaws'' or goodbye Vienna.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): No no I never lied to him about not being a virgin he knew from the start he just didn't realize the other guy was that age as I didn't think it was important for him to know when he asked I told, I never cheated on him!!! we started dating in Oct and l had lost it that previous march I'm am just finding it hard to understand why he's so jealous of someone that means nothing to me!! He is completely atheist !! I just don't know what to do
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Your partner needs SERIOUS help. You did nothing wrong here, you have not "ruined his life." He needs professional help. It sounds like he has a VERY severe case of retrograde jealousy. It can be overcome by counseling and medication, but he needs to get help. You two CANNOT go on like this and he has no right whatsoever to be punishing you.
If he refuses to get help, you need to end it and move on with your life. You have done NOTHING WRONG and you do not deserve this.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (3 February 2014):
There is nothing to do as you can't change past. But one positive thing is your current boyfriend is still with you. He's going through a Retro-Jealousy tunnel, he is overwhelmed with graphic images of you and the other man, maybe imagining you doing what he has often viewed in porn... It will be like a long and very bad trip but he will land, and if he really loves you, he will be able to turn the page. Or he won't be able to and your couple will be run. Anyway, there is no medicine to cure that sort of irrational crisis that deals more with his own insecurities (will he be more male enough for you compared to your former boyfriend ?) than with your own.
Be patient. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (3 February 2014):
There is nothing to do as you can't change past. But one positive thing is your current boyfriend is still with you. He's going through a Retro-Jealousy tunnel, he is overwhelmed with graphic images of you and the other man, maybe imagining you doing what he has often viewed in porn... It will be like a long and very bad trip but he will land, and if he really loves you, he will be able to turn the page. Or he won't be able to and your couple will be run. Anyway, there is no medicine to cure that sort of irrational crisis that deals more with his own insecurities (will he be more male enough for you compared to your former boyfriend ?) than with your own.
Be patient. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, lost cartographer +, writes (3 February 2014):
retrospective jealousy is a hard one because there is nothing you can do to change what happened.
there is something that i have found though. Ihave never been too jealous about the things i knew upfront about before loving the person. I did have a major problem with feeling like I had been mislead.
I suggest that you tell him that you wish it had never happened, you wish that you had been upfront and tell him you are still the same person you have always been. You have been loving and faithful for 3 years.
Then leave it. You have nothing to answer for. You werent with him and the only reason that you wish it didnt happen is for you. Not because of how it would affect future boyfriend. If he feels sad, tell him to not think about it and not to obsess.
The main problem is trust. He thought you were both firsts so it would be pretty upsetting to find out that you had mislead him. At the same time though when I was younger this meant much more to me. when you get older you start to mellow in your reactions. Dont give him specific details. If he asks tell him that you dont want to talk about it because it is the past. nothing romantic about it and there is no point at all to talk about it
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2014):
You're missing some information here, because according to your post, you started dating your boyfriend when you were 16, being that you're 19 now. So my question is - did you cheat on your boyfriend and lose your virginity to the other guy while you were with your boyfriend?
If the answer is NO, you didn't cheat on your boyfriend and instead you lost your virginity to the other guy before you started dating your boyfriend, why is it suddenly a huge issue now? Did you lie to your boyfriend and tell him you were a virgin when you weren't?
So which is it? Did you cheat on your boyfriend? And if you didn't cheat on your boyfriend, did you lie about your virginity to him? You said that he "recently found out"?
If you cheated, or if you lied, then this is your fault. Actions have consequences, and it's really low if he lost his virginity to you thinking that you were like he was only to find out that he wasn't the first, and that you misled him.
If you neither cheated nor lied, he's going to have to deal with his retroactive jealousy.
Either way, I think your relationship is on life support. I don't think it will last much longer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2014):
Why did you wait 3 years to tell him you weren't a virgin? Not that I PERSONALLY think virginity is so "important" to "save" but I find it strange that you two have been together for 3 years and only RECENTLY talked about your first time.
You can't fix this. LOOK up YOS ( here on DC) and retrograde jealousy.
Is your BF VERY religious?
I'm trying to find out why this matter SO much to him.
My advice, tell him to seek help - YOU CAN NOT change the past. YOU can not erase the first time with someone else. IF he can't find a way to move past this... I would end it, because as much as I understand the RJ is not easy to control, I find it so ridiculous to put SUCH a value on virginity.
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