A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedd1991
writes:Hey aunts and uncles..I have been using this site for a while but this is the first question that I have posted. I am very nervous so please be gentle with me. My problem is my hard to explain but here goes... I have borderline personality disorder I have received therapy and CBT, I am also medicated and I am high functioning. I am sure this adds to my problems but I never use it as an excuse. My problem is with me and my current partner. He is very kind, handsome and loving and what most women would look for in a partner. The thing is I resent him. Sometimes to the point where he disgusts me and I can't bear him to touch me. We have had many discussions before about him smothering me, he constantly needs praise and attention and is very manipulating. He makes remarks sometimes about I am too good for him? I find this very condescending and pretty untrue. He talks a lot about "mind games" and "the chase" I feel sometimes like this is some sort of game for him? He is a little younger than me and I think we are just on differnt levels. I have lived on my own since I was 17 and was abused as a child. I have also had two serious relationships before one was with my first love who was amazing but was controlling and physically abusive. My second relationship was with someone older and more experienced but was emotionally abusive and is now in prison. My question is should I stay with my current partner he is amazing and would do anything for me but something about him just doesn't feel right? How can he be so amazing but make me feel so low?
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female
reader, confusedd1991 +, writes (7 April 2011):
confusedd1991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi about him doing things for me it is quite rare or buying me things other than special occasions I do not expect. I also do a lot for him in return I make more money of the both of us so I actually pay for our meals and days out but not always. The times he does pay or buys anything its almost as if he grudges it and never let's me forget it. I understand where you are coming from though and I should have been more specific. Also he still lives with his well off parents and is very spoiled. I think that may also be one of the reasons I resent him I am not jealous I accept the hand I have been dealt and have worked very hard for everything I have. It has taken me years to get where I am but in his eyes its all very meager if that makes sense. I think your advice is very helpful it is always good to get someone elses point of view.Also we do not have friends in common I don't seem to know much about him at all but he demands to know every detail about me? Is this normal behaviour for men?The more I write about him the more red flags are going up in my head. Thank you for helping me so much through this
A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 Smothering behaviour, constantly needing praise, and saying you're too good for him sound like symptoms of low self-esteem. Any relationship with someone lacking in self-esteem is bound to be challenging and places a burden on the other person. Your feeling of "disgust" also happens to be the typical reaction toward unconfident guys. For women, a lack of confidence will tend to outweigh everything else, such as the love and kindness you mentioned. But if this is the case, it would also suggest that his remarks about you being too good for him are not condescending or untrue. In his mind, they may be very true. I don't know him so can't say for sure.
You've heard that borderline personality disorder can affect your perceptions of reality and cause you to see others as either all good or all bad. It can also make you suspicious of their intentions and motives. If there are times when you look at your bf and all you see is pure badness, or you think he is scheming against you based on nothing concrete, it may be due to your own projections. Maybe talk to others who know him and see if they agree with your interpretation of his actions. Get a reality check from someone. If he is a manipulative game player, you can't be the only one who's noticed it. (And in that case, consider whether your history of abuse and abusive relationships are making you gravitate toward guys who treat you badly because that is all you know.)
In the end, if you're still disgusted with and resentful of your bf, you should end it because staying together would be unfair to both of you. You deserve someone better than the abusive men from your past, someone who makes you feel high, not low. And if your bf is what most women would look for in a partner, he deserves to be with someone who appreciates and values what he has.
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A
male
reader, ljhenhmla  +, writes (7 April 2011):
i was in a relationship similar in which i was always on my GF about getting her finance in order. i took care of her and her 3 kids but it was like she really did not care about anything. she was in an abusive relationship before no matter what i did it she just tuned out. i sat her down many times and tried talking to her but she would just ball up in the fetal position. she told me that she felt that she did not want me to touch her any more. that she just could not explain it. i guess if from all of her past. she eventually left becasue i guess i was nagging her. this is a person who i bought a house for i paid all the bill and argured about her helping me. so i not sure of you situation but i hope you see if from a different point. i really think she was going thru some depression and was always trying to supress it but if you dont address it. its always going to be there. good luck.
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