A
female
age
51-59,
*inny
writes:I have been married for 17 years and have two beautiful teenage daughters. A few months ago, I found myself pregnant (an accident of course) and I had mixed feelings. My husband did'nt pressure me to have an abortion, although I detected he did'nt really want the baby but he would'nt admit to it. I was shocked by my mother-in-law's attitude, however. She had experienced the same thing years ago when her two boys were in their teens, and she had no regrets about choosing to terminate her baby. She felt no guilt, and could'nt seem to understand why I did. I felt like she was making the decision for me, bombarding me with reasons why I should NOT have the baby, ie; finances, lack of room, lack of freedom, my age (I was 39, as if that was positively pre-historic). She came to the clinic with me and kept telling me I was doing the right thing. When I had my counselling session, they asked me if I had been pressured into this.....I paused and said...NO! During my scan I felt a lump in my throat and I wanted to see my baby on the screen but my mother-in-law had told me not to as it could sway my decision. I cried afterwards for not asking to see my scan picture. In fact I cried for weeks after, as I am crying now, full of regret. Am I wrong to blame others, after all, ultimately, it was MY decision, and perhaps my mother-in-law had her reasons and good intentions. But at the time I could only see the negatives of having a child, and now I desperately want my baby back. Freedom..hmmpphh! It's over-rated! I sit at home on my days off twiddling my thumbs, the girls hide away upstairs, and my husband and I argue more now than when the kids were young. It feels right to have a baby now, but do you think it is for the right reasons?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 January 2010):
 I can totally understand why you feel so angry and upset about what has happened over your baby. You were subject to a lot of unwanted pressure and without knowing the logistics of your relationship with your husband and mother in law it's hard to say why you felt so persueded by her influence...but it happened and sadly your suffering massive regret.
As caring guy said, there is a void in your life and I expect having another baby felt like a perfect remedy, but in all honesty it may not have been the answer. You need time to grieve over what has happened, to grieve for the loss of your child and the lost opportunity of late motherhood.
Speak to someone neutral who can let you release the anger and pain your feeling. Directing it at your husband or mother in law will most likely make things a lot worse. Give yourself as much time as you need until you reach a point of acceptance. I know that sounds callous and you might feel that you will never get over it, but trust me, things will get easier.
Try to find an activity which relieves stress...not as a replacement for what has happened but as a point of focus and calm to help you get things straight again in your mind. I find swimming, yoga or a relaxation class are all enjoyable.
I really am sorry to hear what has happened to you, but what's done is done, you now just need some time to recover and move on.
with love
Aunty Em xxx
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2010):
There are a few things here, so I'll try to answer them one by one.
First of all, the abortion is not your fault at all. At the time, when you made the decision, you thought it was for the best, and there were good reasons for not having the baby. You're not a bad person, and though you will feel guilty, you need to realize that it takes two to make a baby, so your husband is as responsible as you. I think counselling would really help you, because you need to speak to someone who can really let you open up, listen and understand you. Don't just sit there twiddling your thumbs, because you'll feel worse.
Secondly, I suspect your mother in law had her son's best interests as heart, rather than her own. If she thought that it would make his life more difficult, then the abortion was all she could see to solve the problem. Also, there is a saying. 'The Lady doth Protest too much'. Perhaps she was feeling fat more guilty that she let on, and decided you should share it. However, that's just me speculating, so don't confront her about. Speak to a counsellor.
Finally, from what you say, it sounds to me like a baby now is not the right decision. There is a void in your life, and a baby won't fill it. Talk to someone about how you feel, and see what other things you want to do to fill the void. Maybe a new class or a new hobby or something. But do talk to a counsellor, they can help. All the best.
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