A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey im 17,male and lost my virginity about a week ago.ive been having trouble getting over my girlfriends past because i had vivid images of her and her ex in my head and she seems tainted somehow. he USED her for many sexual activities i was told by my girlfriend, something i really didnt need to know. she mustve felt terrible and i dont know how to make it better. its been quite a few months since her ex. we ran into him the other week and my gf nearly broke down.when we had sex i kept losing my erection and i only had sex because i thought if i had an image of us having sex it would make the other images of her and her ex disappear. it didnt.messed up right?well i think i gave my virginity on wrong terms, really wrong. i hate myself. i didnt enjoy sex at all.it was so embarrassing and i really cant handle anything in my life right now. my self esteem has never been lower.she has brought so much baggage into our relationship its weighing me down even more than her.ive lost a lot of faith in our relationship.she always treats me with no respect in front of people and has a major sulk if i go mad at her for it.any advice?thanks
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erection, her ex, her past, lost my virginity, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Katy.  +, writes (8 June 2009):
 Well good luck anyways to however this situation works out for you both, and all the best (:
Katy x
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (7 June 2009):
 best of luck to you both :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionive been told i can get past this. i choose to be with her and i know that seems stupid but i care about her alot unfortunately. we are both seeking professional help seperately but i wont end this relationship until im sure things cant get better. thank you guys so much for your help. i am seriously considering all of your points. especially with whether i stay with her or not. really, thank you. i guess there really isnt an easy way out of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): she needs help and she is not being fair to you. you are not her parents. you are not her "protector" (although this role has been forced onto you).
i am sorry to be blunt - this girl is messed up. you are not in a position to be her therapist. she needs professional help. i admire you that you want to help her. but you need to realise that there is only so much you can do. you have this "burden" on your shoulders right now that is weighing you down. this is not your burden to bare.
i think if you continue with her then slowly you will destroy your life - with or without her help. just by being in her company you are tragically toxic.
"If i left her she'll drop out of school and move to where she used to live, get drunk, start smoking again and probably do drugs if she doesnt kill herself. i know this for sure. she tells me i mean everything to her and sometimes she says it kind of desperately " - YOU ARE NOT HER KEEPER/PARENT. professional counselling is needed here.
i can go on and on about the merits in leaving this girl but ultimately you need to choose. sometimes we need to know which battles we choose to fight. and some battles no matter how good our intentions are , is just a losing battle.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (5 June 2009):
if she treats you like shit you say
"look i care about you and everything but keep treating me like this and i am gone! and i mean it."
you don't deserve to be treated like shit anyways, you're trying your best with her if she can't see that then you should still leave.
i know you say she'll get into all drugs and drink and whatever else but maybe you'll have to leave that up to her.
it's nothing on your part i mean you're not forcing her to do this stuff it's her choice and her mistake if she chooses that life.
i know you'll still feel responsible and i know you care about her but if she's treating you badly and not noticing how it's effecting you then i think it is best to call it a day whether or not you guys want too.
you'll feel too trapped to do anything and always feel wary of what she may do should anything bad go wrong in the relationship you're on constant eggshells that's not a life to have.
no matter what you do it'll never be enough for her it seems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys. everything youve said is helpful but the bit about appreciating her isnt right. i try my best every day with her and i do appreciate her and when we are both alone everything is great. If i left her she'll drop out of school and move to where she used to live, get drunk, start smoking again and probably do drugs if she doesnt kill herself. i know this for sure. she tells me i mean everything to her and sometimes she says it kind of desperately but she never realises she can lose me until something really bad happens. i have been rethinking the relationship but i think ending it will be worse for us but now im not so sure. i care about her more than ive cared about anything.so i tell her everything? i dont think she can handle it.what do i do when she treats me like shit? thanks
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A
female
reader, Ms.Helper +, writes (4 June 2009):
 It's sounds like you need to have a serious serious serious talk.
You could start doing something you enjoy, sports? music? travelling? art? I think a break would be good for your relationship and might save it.
You need to tell her all the worries you've had about sex etc, tell her just everything, it will catch up with you otherwise and your relationship won't be successful.
If she gets mardy about things that easily then she's taking you for granted, I know this because I used to do it. You need to make her realise she's lucky to have you.
You should value yourself a lot more aswell, which means don't let this girl walk all over you.
If she doesn't change her mood swings and general mardyness she's not worth it, it sounds like she's causing you too much stress to be with, that's why I suggested a break.
Good luck, whatever you choose to do.
X
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A
female
reader, Katy. +, writes (4 June 2009):
You don't sound happy in the slightest, and the only thing you have given in this question is negative's. It just sounds like you havn't found the right girl yet, but its not like you're in a rush. By the way it sounds you'd be better off without her, after regretting losing your virginity the chaos she's causing you and the way she treats you doesn't sound great, and you deserve much better. She's had a bad past and you feel sorry for her, but it doesn't mean you need to be her boyfriend, just be her friend and comfort her. Sex is amazing and you've just had a bad experience, well you might not think it is but when you're with the right person it just feels right, and it should do for you. You shouldn't of been embarrassed or done it for the reasons you did, and it doesn't seem you truly love her, she'l find someone who can appriciate her and so can you.My advice would be to move on and wait until your ready for your next relationship, unfortunatley you can't get back your virginity so try not too dweel on it too much and just look forward to right now and the future.Hope this helps.Katy x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): i actually went back and read your post from last month just to recap. i note that you are seeing a therapist to help you deal with this girl, the images, her past haunting you, her ex. your realtionship hasn't been right thus far, you just cannot get this picture out of your mind. is it then fair to stay in this. i note that you have NOT told her that she not being a virgin has messed with your head. have you told her that these sexual things her ex bf "made/forced" her to do, you just cannot handle/ get over. i think you need to tell her EVERYTHING. right now it is not about her, its about how it makes you feel (sad/low/ cannot contain your anger toward her ex ) please be brutally honest about what you are going through. maybe it will be too hard to just find the words to tell her, but then write down everything, just as you did with your posts. leave nothing out.your first time was meant to be special, you not maintaining an erection during intercourse was bec of your images in your head of the gf and her ex, you maybe wanted to "show" her what real love was, you wanted to please her. there was just too much of pressure on you. plse tell her this. i know you are really hurting, but you are analysing this too much. i am not saying it is not important. it is. but this obsession about her sexual past is destroying you. it is really hurting you. you know it. you feel it. it is destroying you so much that your self image has plummeted. you are at the lowest right now. this is unhealthy. your relationship has turned toxic so quickly and it will remain like this because you just cannot forget. so maybe remove yourself from this r/ship. yes, i am suggesting time out from this girl. so that you can heal. so that you can make head or tail of what is going on. this suffering has to stop - for your own health. yes you will hurt but how much more can you hurt when i have read about all the baggage she has brought and dumped onto you.what really really makes me mad is her treatment of you. this i actually cannot handle. she needs to respect you, she needs to acknowledge that you are good, she needs to acknowledge that you are different from her ex which you are. you are a decent young man. any other girl will be so proud of you. and also to be with you. let her sulk all she wants. if she has no respect for you, then i am sure she has no respect for herself. please for your own sake, your wellbeing i think you need to re look at this r/ship with this girl. she has too much of "bad" baggage. she has now unburdened her soul to you and just expects you to deal with her past. this was not fair. this girl is making your precious life so miserable. don't you think you deserve more, to be loved without any baggage. you need to plse think about all i have said. i hope you find it in your heart to do what is right for you. good luck, peace and strength. i am also hoping next time you have sex you can read all the "sex education", the likes of satindesire, harry, and the other regulars mention. this will also help you and get you in the mood. may i suggest something as well. since you are new to the sex thing, why not take it slow , perhaps start mastubating, finding out what turns you on, finding out what this sex thing really is about. read erotic literature, how to please and be pleased during lovemaking. how to get the technique right etc. make this your passtime while you contemplate your r/ship. you do not have to feel self conscious about the mastubation thing, it is definately normal. do something for yourself and just enjoy the feeling.Strength
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (4 June 2009):
 Everyone has baggage and everyone has history, that's something you're going to need to deal with in every relationship you have, but this girl isn't treating you right. It's not a healthy relationship if she treats you like dirt in front of other people and expects you to just put up with it and never question her. You may not want to hear this but I think you should walk away from her and this whole situation, if you do I think your self esteem will improve a lot. Don't hate yourself, yes you lost your virginity for the wrong reasons but you're only human, we all make mistakes and it's done now so try to look to the future instead of hating the things you've done in the past. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (4 June 2009):
Hun you've answered your own question really.if it's lowering your self esteem and making the relationship awkwardthen you'll just have to end it with her.she's clearly not stable to be in a relationship yet at all with anyone.until she over comes this hurt and pain she'll just keep having the baggage on your relationship.you need to be with someone you can relax around and be yourself.with this girl you seem very tensed up and walking on egg shells which isn't fair on you because you've not done anything wrong.Hope this helps.x
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