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female
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*histle
writes: You may remember this question from last week, but I still need some advice real bad. On our first date my boyfriend told me (after I asked him if he'd been in a relationship since he separated) that he had wanted to be in a relationship with his friend Jill and during the previous weeks showed me photographs of her and talked about her constantly until I eventually said "Enough". He has basically told me that he wanted a life with her. Now he wants me to meet her and all their friends (they have the same friends) and I have refused to do this. I have asked him what he'd do if she approached him and said that she wanted to try with him and his answer was "It didn't happen before and it wont happen now". I asked him last night what his feelings are for her now and his answer was "She's a friend". What I also found out is during his marriage ( I know it wasn't good for quite a few years) he was spending a lot of time with this Jill and her friends and basically said that he'd have left his wife if Jill would have wanted a relationship with him. We're living together now but I dont think we'll make it. It doesn't help that I keep throwing it in his face every week but something usually triggers it and off I go. He doesn't mention her or her friends now and its me that always brings it up. I know I'm repeating myself from the previous question but I dont know what to do. Am I just wasting my time? I dont want to be "second best" because he cant get her. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005):
Its kind of hard to move on and get over someone until you are with someone new, so I dont really find it bad that your realtionship starts with him having some lingering feelings. And meeting some group of common friends doesnt seem like a big deal.
But my advice would have been to go slowly. How in the world did you end up living this guy if you wont even meet his friends? You went in way too fast...
A
female
reader, Racky +, writes (12 December 2005):
 Hi
I understand you completely, Me and my boyfriend went through a similar phrase with his ex girlfriend. All I can advise is see it through it will eventually simmer out and you will both be able to settle into living together happily. If he cares that much about you he won't mind the odd outburst or so. I would also advise you to sit down and talk about it with your boyfriend, this will give you reasurrance that its you he wants not her. Good luck in your new home and to you both.
Racky
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A
female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (12 December 2005):
 Thistle, if this is how you feel, then you're probably better off without him. I'm sure you don't want to be like this for the rest of your life. I would feel the same way you do. I'd feel like I was second best too and I'd be uncomfortable in that position. Who wants to get to know someone that their boyfriend is basically head over heels for and can't get? Not me, that's for sure.
Have you talked to him about how you feel? I know it wouldn't be right in the first place since this is his friend, but how he feels for her is inappropriate if he wants to carry on relationships with others.
If you don't want to deal with this, I would just move on and find someone that doesn't want his friend. There are a lot of guys out there that wouldn't put you in this situation. No one wants to feel as if their 2nd best. It's not worth the time at all.
Good Luck!
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