A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently had an affair. It was very intense and I thought we both loved each other deeply. I was preparing to leave my partner for him and them abruptly he finished it, claiming he couldn't destroy my family. He wanted to remain friends although I was deeply hurt and still love him, I thought we had achieved this and had started to feel better about the situation.I thought I might see him this weekend, as a friend but now he won't answer his phone to me, or respond to my texts. I am so hurt, because he said, that despite everything, he would always be there for me and now he is just ignoring me. I am so angry and crushed by this, I don't know what to do next. Because this was an illicit affair, there is no one I can talk to about what I am going through. I can't stop crying.
View related questions:
affair, crush, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mrs. Firley  +, writes (31 October 2012):
I understand how you feel. Me and my love were hot and heavy for 4 years. I am married and was ready to throw it all away for "him" just this past year. However, I must have taken too long to make up my mind because he dumped me. He didn't dump me without warning because he kept asking me to spend more time with him. He never asked me to leave my family but he did mention he wanted me in his life permanently. During the four years we were together he managed to break up with the mother of his child, who by the way knew about me and recruit another girlfriend who knew about me as well. Let me add that we were college sweethearts and maintained a friendship during the years 94'-00'. I had a child w/someone else in 96'and he was my go-to guy when things did not work out. In 2000 I met the man I was going to marry as "he" left town and was dating someone else. Even though he returned and tried to win me back, I was already tired of his immaturity and putting me on the back burner while he played on. I was a single parent and was ready to settle down. I felt it was too late for us and I married in 07'. Well, in 08' we reconnected had dinner and it escalated to an illicit affair that ended this 2012. He gave me some type of ultimatum that I did heed to because he was/is a player. I was happy with the way things were and he started getting more demanding with my time. I am not sure if he was just using me until he found someone, or if it was all in my mind, or maybe we were using each other...IDK. All I know is sometimes it hurts like hell that I cannot see him or talk to him. I have loved him since I was 18 years old (i am 36).So... it all ended something like this: We met up at a hotel for a tryst. His current GF busted him by way of text messages he was sending to me. She called me and I did not want to ruin whatever he had going so I played dumb and he said whatever needed to be said to pacify her. Then we just kind of quit talking after that. I sent him a text to check on him and he responded with "my GF is getting upset-TTYL". Well later never came and I could not humilate myself with calling or texting him, especially if I was getting in the way of him having a real love. I had to be fair and let him go. He is the love of my life. I love my husband dearly and we have alot of years together...it's different but nothing can compare to the love I have for "him". I often hope he comes back to me. I would not hesitate in taking another chance; risking it all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): I wish I had read these stories sooner. I was just dumped by a guy I was sleepinig with for FOURTEEN YEARS! He decided to leave his wife and apparently I am collateral damage. I am having such a hard time accepting that he didn't care about me at all after all those years, and that the whole time it was only about sex, but there is really no denying it. He walked away from me without a conversation or a goodbye. I imagine he is exploring his single side (at 55 years old), and there is no longer room for me. I don't think I miss him that much as far as the sex is concerned. It was good sex but it was mostly me working and him sitting there with an erection. In the past year he started to struggle with ED as well, so really not having sex with him anymore is not the issue you would think it is. It's the emotional loss and the blow to my ego at having to realize I meant nothing to him at all. I find myself not able to believe he can just forget about me, but there it is. He is one of only three men in mylife who walked away from me at all, so it's kind of a strange emotion for me. But the more of an asshole he is, the easier it is going to be to let go and think Good Riddance! I hope. It still hurts as of today.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Hey..this is my story :) I've been married 11 years and its a beautiful relationship..we had a child 4 years ago and somewhere along the line, i fell in love with a younger guy. we were very close. he fell in love first and told me he was sorry that he could not help it. i have never cheated before. not even holding hands with someone else. he was in a relationship..a bad one..he told a good tale..i fell for it, felt so sorry for him, so compassionate about how he was hurting. i gave him my all...time , attention, love... he reciprocated, with ardent devotion. he was gorgeous, it was flattering. i slipped. maybe because i never thought i could fall for such a kid? i don't know. it took us months to get to the first kiss, and it was wild. parties, clubbing...all that young stuff, so different from my 32 year old, very settled existance. and then he broke up. and found a new girl. and dumped me...i can't believe the pain..i can't believe i was such a fool...he just totally used me, and i'm so f**ked over. it's unbelievable.
...............................
A
female
reader, hurting1529 +, writes (4 April 2010):
I am in a similar situation. I recently was dumped from an affair that I had. He was a wonderful man (or so, I thought). I made the mistake of lying to him about a trip I took with my husband and that ultimately ended it. He wanted complete honesty from me and I broke that. However, how honest can you both be, if you are both married and looking for love on the side?? Like you, it was very intense and I didn't want it to end. I loved his conversations, text messages, FB chats and our time together. Now, he says he wants to cool it while we both get things "handled" with our other halves. I don't know if he really wants to continue anything with me or not. I have made it clear that if he wants any kind of relationship with me....I need that communication. Any advice?
Needless to say....I have only seen him once since the breakup and we had dinner. Sex was involved (big mistake on my part) but I think we both wanted it. I want this relationship back and don't know how to get it. Does anyone have any ideas for me? I truely fell in love with this man and he said he did as well. However, all of a sudden it cooled off. I have tried to apologize and meet him in the middle...but so far it hasn't been working. Unless, I talk about sex.
Need advice!
...............................
A
female
reader, Petlover +, writes (3 February 2009):
I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me not too long ago. I am married to an older man that has lost interest in sex and pretty much ignores me most of the time. I was lonely and bored. I met a younger guy that pursued me relentlessly, even knowing I was married. He made me feel sexy and pretty, called all the time, went out of his way to find out where I lived and drove by the house 3-4 times per day. I felt alive for the first time in a very long time. Anyway, he told me he was looking for more than a one time thing, that I was so sexy he couldn't sleep at night, he thought of me all day, etc. Finally, he wore me down and I met him at his house. Of course we spent the day in bed having wild sex and it was great. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and that he was already half in love with me and that maybe someday we would be together. He kept telling me that he would wait forever for me and that he wanted to see me anytime I could get away and wanted me to call him whenever I had the chance. I left feeling light as air and half in love myself. I thought he would call the next day. When a week went by and he didn't call, I started to get a little worried. One Sat. night I was so lonely I called him on his cell. He picked up and was as nasty as if I had been pestering him all day. I couldn't believe it. He said I was bothering him so I said something stupid like I'm not going to call you again and he hung up. I thought he would call but he never did. Two weeks later I left him a message just saying Hi and asking him to call me. Well, he never did. I was so hurt and confused. I couldn't imagine what happened. That was 3 months ago, and to this day I still think he might call.The truth is, he never meant any of what he said to me. I now know that it was all the excitement of the chase, getting what someone else had. I was never important to him as I thought. I was so lonely that I fell for the crap he was feeding me.My advice to you is to mourn for a little while and then make up your mind to forget about him. He only enjoyed the forbidden fruit and he has now moved on to someone else. You may not think so now, but you are well rid of him. Guys like that only mess up your mind, making you feel good for a little while and then really bad for a long time. I know how hard this is, especially since you can't talk to anyone else about this, this being an illicit affair. Keep yourself busy. Whatever you do, DO NOT CALL HIM. It won't get you anywhere and you will ending up feeling humiliated all over again. It hurts to hear this, but this guy used you, just like the guy I met used me. You were living in a fantasy just like me. It hurts to this day, but I have decided to move on. It will take awhile but you, too, will move on. You need to find something else to occupy your mind. Don't beat yourself about this. It really wasn't your fault. You just fell for the crap he was feeding you, just like I did. It was all a dream. Sometimes losing a dream hurts worse than reality, but it does hurt nontheless, and I know it will be harder for you because you have no support from anyone, but now you will find out how strong you really are. You can do this. Just don't get involved in another illicit love affair. Affairs are only good if you are looking for a one night stand and won't get hurt by them. Believe me, the same thing will happen again. Work on yourself now. Lose weight, get a new haircut, get a makeover, anything to make yourself feel good again. That's what I am doing right now. I don't what is going to happen in my life, but I know another man will never again turn it upside down the way this guy did.I wish you all the best and please know you are not alone. It happens to more women than you will ever know. We all just can't speak out about it because we know how everyone will judge us and feel we got what we deserved. You didn't deserve that. The guy is just a jerk and will do it again to someone else. He didn't mean what he said and he was certainly not in love with you. He was play acting, until he got tired of it. You're better than that, and believe it or not, you don't love him either. Move on, one day at a time, and you will find that you will forget about him and your pain. Just don't let it happen to you again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I was let go tonight. He was honorable, he didn't want to be a liar. We had one long weekend in the physical, and a year of emotional intimacy in the virtual. I do not feel good about falling for another woman's man. I did believe he was the 'one'. I know now that your heart betrays you, don't listen to it.Your head is better. Your heart doesn't know, it really doesn't know. Feeling like I should learn macrame and get cats, alot of cats. AARRGGHH. I know this, if a man wants you, there is no doubt about it, if he doesn't, you will be filling in blanks for him, justifying things,making excuses. If you have to do any of that,if you are left to read between lines, the lines aren't really there. He's not really there. We are not to make a priority of someone who only sees us as options. I'll learn that, I swear I'll learn that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007): hiya im here because of a simler situation, i do feel for you the hardest thing is hiding how upset you are from your family, its hard to say weather he did have 2nd thoughts about breaking up your family or he just wanted out, you know him best, all i do know is chasing him will make him run away faster but its sometimes impossible not too.
chin up you worth better
xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 May 2007):
 He may have been genuine saying he was breaking up with you because he didn't want to destroy your family but I think there's more to it. He may be married and hasn't told you or he might be back with his girlfriend... but I think there's more to this. I don't think you'll ever find the truth and I agree, you didn't know him as well as you first thought. Learn by this and move on, he doesn't deserve you.
Whether you choose to remain with your partner is another thing you might want to think seriously about...
Eve
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (28 May 2007):
 He's probably hurt. I understand that you're hurting, but he is still the person you thought that he was. He had the right to say that to you. You broke his trust and disrespected him in one of the most hurtful ways. The truth is that you're obviously not the person that he thought that you were. He believed in you, and the bottom line is that you messed that up. If you cheat on someone, you never actually loved them and/or respected him. You made your choice, knew that there would be consequences, and yet are shocked at the results. You should take this as a lesson for the future. In your next relationship, if you're falling out of love with someone, do good by them and end the relationship amicably instead of cheating and breaking trust.
DV1
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for taking the time to reply. We were together almost 6 months. We met through an internet message board and so had been friends for a few months before starting the relationship. Initially he had a girlfriend too but finished with her to be with me. Since writing initially, he has been touch to say he wants no more to do with me. I have asked him why the complete change of heart but doubt i'll get a response. After being so close with someone, sharing so much, and risking everything I have, I am hurt beyond belief. I think ultimately he is not the person I thought he was.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (28 May 2007):
When you love someone, sometimes it's better to let them go. He probably realized that.
DV1
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 May 2007):
Was this guy married or in a relationship too? It seems to me one of three things. (1)Either his conscience has kicked in and he feels bad that he's seeing you when you already have a partner, (2) Because the relationship was so intense he may be a bit frightened of the feelings he's started to have for you and has taken a step back for space to work out his feelings or (3) He's just used you for sex, got what he wanted and has decided to move on. How long did this affair last and how did you meet him?
Eve
...............................
|
