A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that my wife cheated on me when we were engaged. We've been married over 10 years and before me she had this boyfriend named Jim. Right after we got married we moved about 3 hours away to another part of the state for my job. Well, just a few months ago I got a job offer that was great and back up where me and my wife grew up. We moved back and everything was fine. We went to a party with some old friends from way back when, and I overheard 2 women talking about if Kathy (my wife) had hooked up with Jim (her ex) yet. Something about thay always seemed like they can't keep their hands off each other or the like. I confronted my wife and after some arguing, she admitted to being with Jim while we were engaged, but never since we got married she says.Well, 1st, she is a cheater and a tramp, but it was a long time ago, but it has destroywed my trust in her. Engaged is almost the same as married, and you don't cheat, and she did. 2nd, now that we live up here, how do I handle if I forgive her the cheating in the first place, how do I handle being up here when Jim in around, and obviously since I overheard the conversation, everyone knows she had a think going with Jim even after we were engaged?
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 May 2010):
 I have to hand it over to you Ms. female Anonymous well said...and I have to agree with you.
Poster deal with your present you went from having a fiance you believe was unable to cheat and was faithful to discover you have a wife that lied about cheating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): i know you have had the usual get over yourself from the regulars here but just want to add something:-NEVER feel ashamed or guilty that you are now questioning her position of marital fidelity. - she lied. whether it was i month ago or 10 years ago, she lied. and perhaps she covered up the fact that she was sleeping with this Jim.- if she could lie then, what is stopping her from confessing the truth about any other infedility.- we may all blame small town gossip, BUT was it gossip? it was merely the truth wasn't it.i actually say thank goodness for small town gossip, at least you now know the truth about your wife's run arounds. it is the ugly truth but the truth nevertheless. better know the truth than blissfully ignorant.- your wife was never going to confess to her cheating was she?- how sure are you that she has been faithful to you all this while?- where to from here. do you pretend that all is well and pretend that you are not pissed and hurt as well.- remember she betrayed you, she cheated and now going forward she needs to prove to you that she is the afithful type.- as for her 'relationship' with Jim. please TELL her in no uncertain terms that you would not tolerate any friendship or anything else with him. if she sees him, she walks the other way. if she is in a group with him there, she makes herself scarce. basically she avoids the man or your marriage is histroy- she fooled you once, don't be her fool again.- you are now wiser and protect your marriage but make certain that your wife understands the new rules of your marriage. yes she will be upset, she will cry crocodile tears, she may think you are unjustifiably being means and nasty but who cares- you need to protect your life. - your wife messed up and she deliberately kept her cheating from you. one thing she did not bank on was peoples memory and their knowledge that she was giving it to Jim while with you.- i think if your wife really respected you she should have told you when you moved back home. in this way you would have known and as hard as it was it would have been better coming from here than from the gossipmongers??- watch her, be more observant and "trust" well for a while you will be doubting everything she says and does. she broke the trust and she only has herself to blame.is Jim married or single/divorced and why would you two meet up with him? do you have common friends. how long was she with Jim. you need some answers and who better than the wifey to reveal all. she will resisit and she will cover up and try to hide the true facts but knowledge is power and tell her if she doesn't want to throw away your marriage she needs to start talking. Jim is not a factor in your marriage but your wifes secrets and behaviour are. fool me once, .......fool me twice ........(you know the saying).Take Care and good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Put her on notice that this behaviour will not be tolerated. You might forgive her this once but you will not forget. And if there is even the slightest hint that she contacts him or in any way violates your marriage, kick her to the curb.
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A
female
reader, pollina  +, writes (26 May 2010):
hello...it happened 10 years ago..dont trow everything down the drain..shes with you isnt she..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010):
If you find out that your longtime business partner was lying and stealing from you 10 years ago, you naturally have a HUGE problem with it. Just because it was 10 years ago that doesn't mean it's some irrelevant trivial thing to forget about.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 May 2010):
You should sit down and write down your pros and cons and if one out weights the other than go that direction..I got this from a movie and I think its a great way to make you think on what type of a wife you have now. You will think on all the good she has done in 10 years of marriage and weight it against all the bad things she done in 10 years of marriage. I hope this works..and seriously dude if you can't let go of the past maybe you should consider counseling before you try to leave your wife.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Oh man, guy, I'm sorry you had to find that out. I know that it was 10 years ago, but I'm sure it just hit you like a fresh slap in the face. She did cheat on you and keep it from you for 10 years, and I know it most likely would have changed your decision to marry her had you found out before you were married.
You and your wife do need to talk. The cheating may have happened 10 years ago, but the lying and covering up happened every single day from the day she cheated to the day you found out 10 years later. I guess you need to decide what you want to do after finding out. I don't know what I would do in your position. Some of the people on here have a point that it does matter that she never cheated since you got married, but I guess my thought is....how can you trust that she hasn't? What else has she lied about?
I know you're devastated. I'm sorry to hear it. I would implore you to not react in any way destructive to her or yourself. You don't want to go to jail because of a reaction, so stay calm and think things through. You will be okay...I know you have a long way to go first and you feel completely blindsided.
Good luck. We're here if you want to talk more.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Gotta love small town gossip... people have nothing better to do than talk about sh from ten years ago and hurting other people. Yes... misery DOES love company, doesn't it?
A mistake, albeit a huge one, destroys 10 years just like that. Really? So the 10 years of faithfulness and devotion means absolutely nothing because she had a fling when you were engaged. Wow...
I sure hope you don't have any skeletons in your closet. I mean, ten years from now she just might divorce you for putting up this question... god help us...
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (25 May 2010):
Wow, talk about needing to let this go... you're letting something that happened 10+ years ago mess with your head! Do the last 10 years not mean anything? You need to give this woman a bit of credit if she stopped prior to marriage.
I can understand that your wounded, and frankly she should have never told you... her actions since then tell you what you need to know, not what she did so many years ago.
You need to calm down and really think this over. I'd do all I can to forgive her and get this hatred go. Otherwise, divorce her and tell everyone that she cheated on you before you were married. They'll think you're over reacting... because you are.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 May 2010):
Yes, she is a liar and a cheat. But before you make a decision about whether to move on or not, look at the past 10 years. I think you need to see how it was, and see whether it's worth working for. Clearly you need to be honest with her and say that you are very insecure and upset about the situation, and that you will both need to work hard to make this work. She also needs to have a blanket ban on any visits with Jim. She needs to be in agreement to make this work. Anything less and she's not worth it
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Well, she says she hasn't cheated on you but that's most likely because you moved away which I'm sure you've already thought about.
Yes, as you put it she is a cheater and a tramp. She's also a liar. The question is, how has she been the 10 years you've been married? Has she shown any other signs that would give you reason not to trust her? Is she worth giving it a try to make it work? You hit the nail on the head when you said your trust in her is destroyed now but ask her if she wants to gain that trust back. If she seems like she really wants to make it work then you can give it a shot. But be really up front with her about how much you don't trust her now, especially with this other guy around.
If she starts to get all offensive and more mad that you don't trust her than that is a bad sign and your marriage is probably over.
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A
female
reader, Zanie +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Hmmm, 10 years ago though? Ouch. I would hate for someone to judge me on something I did 10 years ago. I mean are we even the same people with the same perspectives ten years later?
However, I understand you reluctance to trust her. Even 10 years later, it definitely makes you suspious. This is fact though, if you can't renew trust, you can't stay married. A long conversation needs to happen between you and your wife. You need to explain to her how you feel. Listen to her input. There needs to be a mutual understanding. If she understands how you feel, she won't be upset when you linger over her for a while, whilst regaining your trust. It's only human to be a little leary for a bit. However, remember that if you have a strong relationship now, that you cherish and want to keep, you need to forgive and forget. Your wife is not who she was 10 years ago, and she has spent these 10 years with you and not Jim, so obviously, you were the one she wanted.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (25 May 2010):
Dude I feel your pain. What a situation you're in.
It sounds like you're wanting to stay with your wife and be able to deal with the problems you listed, rather than wondering if you should leave. Is that right?
Some of the things you mentioned are because you are still in shock and it hasn't quite settled down yet. For example, the questions about how to handle the cheating will become more clear with the passing of some more time.
Has your partner been a good wife to you all these 10 years? That must count for something. How is she responding to you now? For you to stay strong you need to try and get through this together. Is there any marriage counselling you can go through?
About everyone else knowing. I can see this must be humiliating to know that people know this secret when you didn't. It kind of stops you feeling like a man in control of your marriage. But again I think it goes back to how your wife has been over the last 10 years. Are you a strong couple? If so, you will get through this, and the feelings you have for one another will help you deal with all these questions that you have. I know it might not bring much comfort but your wife chose to marry you, and spend 10 years with you. She didn't do the same to Jim. So whilst you might not know how to deal with Jim, remember that you have something far greater with your wife than he ever did. It is he should be worried about how to handle you and your wife coming back!
Hope it all works out for you.
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