A
female
age
36-40,
*ici
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years, we have a five year old daughter together. I've known him about 8 years. I recently found out that my little sister slept with him a few weeks ago. But What I didn't know is that this has been going on for years. But they claim they only had sex that once. She claims that he took advantage of her. But all these years they both never even acted like anthing was wrong. She says that there was about 10 incidents. But he claims it was mutual. How do I deal with something like this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Ted-ster  +, writes (5 March 2009):
I'm so sorry. Yes, it is a deal breaker, at least for me. People cheat, and different circumstances allow people to work through problems, but this situation, I'm afraid, in my view, is quite different. I would consult with a therapist or counselor to get guidance. Best wishes to you and your daughter. NB: You will have to maintain a relationship with him at some min. civil level because of your daughter. She's the most important person in the world to you, and will need your support and love. Important: you need to handle this situation properly and maturely for her sake.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Wow... that sure is a wonderful family you got there.
Personally, I'd show them both the door. Your sister has no right to play the victim card here. She is a guilty as your boyfriend in this.
Either one of them could have said 'wait, maybe this isn't the best of ideas, because she's my sister/girlfriend and it would be wriong to betray her trust in this manner'.
Did they? No. Not one of them.
I find it highly unlikely that it would have gone on this long if your sister had not been a willing and consenting participant in all of this.
So my advice, is to go as far away from them both as possible and let the feelings sink in and dissolve as they do and come back when you've gotten over the anger and revenge feelings.
Once they are gone, it will be easier to sort out if you want to forgive (you are going to have to do this to both of them eventually) and continue the relationship or not. You HAVE to forgive your sister at some point because you two are tied by blood and no matter what either of you does, you will ALWAYS be sisters and a bond will ALWAYS be there.
Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Your sister and bf have had sex for some time now and I find that sad and disturbing. I am sorry for the pain this must be causing you, hun. Truely I am. Both are pretty scummy people, to do this to you. We do know this bf of yours is a man of low character , a guy who is out of control and does not love you. . Firstly, dump the bf..get him out of your life. And make sure he's remains financially/emotionally responsible for the daughter you both share. Getting some legal advice will help you make those big decisions about your daughter's future. Focus on her..she will need a strong Mother.. And bregin the process of emotionally disengaging from this boyfriend. It will be hell, but time will help you recover.
Now about your sister.You may or may not realize this but it's highly likely there is a ... a hostile sibling relationship with you both. whether you are aware or not, she plainly is hostile to have done this to you. She's resentful and has little value or respect for you. Something in her sense of family values and her love for you, did not kick in when this infidelity occurred. Her sellfish actions--- run a real good chance of blowing up 'yours and her' whole family, causing pain to everyone. I am amazed at how her stupidity, her unthinking, unrestrained behaviors can cause so much hurt to others. Not just you, but your daughter, your parents and all other family memebers. I think you need to sit with her and calmly tell her what you know. Then you ask her to give you space and time to get to the point of....forgive her. And I know you will forgive her, because she is family. But you need to be away from her, for awhile. I suggest you keep your distance and give yourself time to think this through. If you do forgive and you likely will...then realize it's okay to do that but you will never trust her. If she wants to be in your life, she should be told that she earns her way back into your life, through decent, good behaviors. If she doesn't do that, then there's not much you can do. But in order for your sister to be so morally barren, she's has had to be an unhappy person. She has a personality problem..she has to deal with it. Counseling would help her.
For the sake of your own sanity-show yourself and the rest of the family..you truely are the bigger person. Remain polite and try hard to detach. Use your clarity and rationale, rather than hurt feelings and emotions. Sadly, we cannot choose our family..we just have to deal with what life throws at us. But you can certainly shine brighter by displaying maturity and dignity. And never forget, her inappropriate behavior is about her, not you. Take care and stay strong.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 I really feel for you - a double breach of trust! I honestly think there is only one thing to do...walk away. Both your sister and partner have shown you nothing but disrespect and I don't know how you could rescue this relationship even if you wanted to. Frankly, if he sleeps with your sister then he will sleep with other women too. As for your sister, she clearly has major problems of her own if she can think of nothing better to do than sleep with your partner. I think you should get some professional counselling so you can talk things through with someone impartial to the tangled mess. It doesn't matter if the act was mutual or 'he took advantage'...your sister is just saying that to make her role in the horrible situation look better and she is being a coward in trying to get out of her part in the sorry mess. Walk away with your head held high, you are the innocent party.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): That's a huge betrayal of trust for both of them...I personally wouldn't forgive either but out of the two you should try to patch things up with your sister...but like mulattoman says, don't let her off easy. As for your bf dump him immediately. If he was willing to cheat once he will do it again...plus you will never have peace of mind when he goes somewhere or when he's friends with a girl or anything like that.
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A
male
reader, mulattoman +, writes (4 March 2009):
 You break up with the cheater, find a better man... and you try your hardest to reconcile with your sister. But don't let her get off easy. She needs to understand how fucked up she is and not to hurt her own flesh and blood like that again.
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