A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I found out recently that 10 years ago, my now wife had a drunken one night fling with a co-worker. She was drinking a lot and for some crazy reason thought that I wasn't in love with her any more. She did the classic 'after it happened, I realized how much I loved you'. It hurts because whatever drove her to it, I always loved her and I feel that she stopped loving me or she would never have been in that situation. We are married now with 2 kids and I feel like I'm only here for them. My love for my wife completely went away. How, or will, this feeling ever go away? any help? We have been together for a total of 18 years.
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male
reader, Zhou Wang  +, writes (9 September 2009):
You have been together for 18 years, 10 years ago your wife had an affair, and you have two children.
Was she your wife already when she had that one night stand? If she wasn't your wife, accept that men and women have sexual appetite, curiosity, an unwillingness to miss experiences and opportunities, and that we're all far from being perfect.
If she was already your wife, you need to talk with her about that; being married is continuous practice of the art of compromise, but you can't do that unless you can talk without getting angry or feeling hurt. If she went astray, it's because she needed something that she wasn't getting at home. What was that? You need to find out what else she was missing then and what she is missing now.
When you marry a woman, you marry her because you want to taste her, ravish her, impregnate her, to bear your children, to be your cook, housekeeper, and your mate, your significant other. It's your responsibility to find out what she likes because she isn't likely to tell you outright; you must pry out each morsel, but you can't do that without full bidirectional discourse. If you haven't started already, start talking, and don't forget to tell her how you feel. If she still cares for you, she might start a conversation of what both of you can do so that she can win you back.
If you've already tried all that, and you still can't figure out how to get to like her again, you need to grow up quickly. If you were single, you'd just her butt out of your house, but you're married, and you have children, so kicking her out is not an option and walking out will be expensive.
Until now, I haven't mentioned the children, but having children is probably one of the reasons why you married your wife. Unfortunately, once they're here, you can't blink them away, and what you have is the responsibility to see your children brought up.
If you should separate or go through an acrimonious divorce, that won't affect your children as much as growing up without seeing you everyday. Seeing them every two weeks for a day and a half of forced, strange, unnatural activity doesn't cut it, and don't fool yourself by believing that it does.
Try to stay married for your children's development, but if after talking honestly about _everything_ with your wife, you might propose staying married and allowing each other to discretely seek what you need outside of a dead marriage until your children have completed their college educations. After that, assuming that you divorce her, you'll have to give half your net worth to her, but you'll be free to pursue your dreams. The negative side of that is that you'll be older, less capable, and less attractive unless you have a thick wallet.
Try to swallow you pride, your sense of hurt, and try to make some lasting memories with your children and with your wife, and don't spare the X-rated moments with her. All that is much cheaper, more comfortable, and much more rewarding.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Please take some advice from a guy going through the same thing.Life is short it was a terrible betrayal and it won't go away unless you let it.Your relationship is suffering and so are your children,because if they can't sense it yet they will.You do love your wife and in some way you feel you don't really know her.People make mistakes and if she does everything else well and you invest yourself in her your love intensity can reach new heights.try to look past it she can't get close to you because your afraid to invest you feelings and get hurt again.It's always going to pop up in your head again,but if your staying for the kids,being there for her and investing in your relationship is the best way to raise your kids.And who knows what mistakes their going to make.NOTE TO SELF READ THIS,BEST WISHES JAY
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009):
Well you have been together for 18 years and that is a long time.
It is the deception and the feeling of betrayal that must be overcome – and it sounds like it was before you were married, so let it go.
More people are lonely in this world than those who aren't.
She loves you - then and now - if she treats you well, your life together is good, and this is the only thing causing grief between you - then forgive and forget. Embrace her love and swim deeply in your current relationship.
You didn’t say how you found out. So, consider this, if she is the one who told you, then understand that it wasn't easy for her, and it took a lot of guts. You should think back on your own life for a situation that didn’t make you proud – then decide you are going to share it with the one person you know may not forgive you. No relationship is without issues and good ones are hard to come by. Put the past behind you accept the present and enjoy your life.
Your only other alternative, if you simply cannot forgive and forget, is to consider making a clean and swift exit from the relationship - the danger of your pain eating at you all the time is that you will eventually have an argument that will do nothing but harm to you, your wife, and your children. Don’t let that happen.
All that remains after we are gone is the consequences of our actions.
Make your actions count.
Open your heart and mind, forgive your wife her past trespass, let the pain you feel go, and enjoy life once again.
Kuma
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008):
I know how you feel, I was engaged to a girl who I really loved, but then one day I discovered a side of her personality that made me change my mind.
She didn't cheat on me, it was the way she reacted to a situation that did it for me. Long and boring story that I won't bother typing.
Short version is that, although I knew her very well, this revelation changed the way I viewed her. I think you have experienced a similar revelation, she did something that you didn't think she'd be capable of.
When this happened to me, my love for her was switched off instantly and permanently, like a switch had been thrown in my brain. I didn't feel sad or angry or anything, I simply and very suddenly didn't love her any more.
I was engaged to this girl, and obviously there was a lot of pressure for me to stay with her. I tried very hard for a long time, but I could never go back to feeling that way about her again. We lived separately at the time, and I ended up making excuses to go home or not have her at mine, because lying next to her in bed made me feel uncomfortable.
Needless to say, the sex stopped dead in its tracks, and my feelings never came back. I finished things with her and now I'm much happier.
When we split up, I didn't experience any of the usual grief or upset, because my feelings for her had simply vanished.
I just felt relieved that I didn't have to pretend any more.
There was no delayed reaction either, this was a couple of years ago, and our paths still cross occasionally because we have mutual friends.
All of the usual things like seeing her with her new boyfriend etc that would normally be upsetting had no effect on me.
You have the added complication of children, which I can't help you with as I have none.
I'm not saying that you will feel the same as I did, but if you are sure you won't be able to turn the feelings back on, don't bother flogging a dead horse.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (22 October 2008):
 You can cheat on someone you love. Cheating is about sex not love, and as far as feelings go, it's up to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Ten years ago were you engaged, dating steading or on the brink of making the huge decision to become a couple? She was feeling unloved at the time. This is the primarly reason women cheat, because they are in emotional pain. Has she cheated since then? Have you ever cheated? I know most people believe that love is an emotional they we cannot control, but actutally it is at least half an intellectual decision. It sounds as if you have chosen to stop loving her so perhaps if you make the decions to forgive and to love, you will forgive and love. Perhpas this is not a fair question in many poeple's mind, but are you at some level, looking for a reason not to love her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): This is a difficult situation to be in. How can you trust the closest person in your life after their infidelity towards you and your relationship. It's natural that you have these feelings of being unsure or undecided as most of us would. Honestly, if you grant a chance for someone to change, and they do change, well then all is good. However, if this person is unreasonable and you feel nothing will be resolved, just move on--because unfortunately there are kind caring people out there and there are other people out there who want to take advantage of that.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 It is possible for someone to fall out of love, cheat, and then realize they never really did fall out of love in the first place. I'm not excusing what she did, because it was despicable, but she is owning up to it, and she did stay with you.
The feelings of not loving her anymore will go away only if/when you decide to forgive her for what she's done. If you find that hard or impossible to do, then unfortunately your love for her may never return.
masq
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