A
female
age
,
*ollyhockII
writes:My boyfriend lied to me about his ex wife - said he hadn't seen her when he's been texting her all along. Based on this lie I left him a month ago and he cut it off with her. Now we're back together and he's going out of state to a family event and she will be there. I wasn't invited, mind you. This makes me furious. He says he loves me and wants nothing to do with her (not sure whether I beleive it or not). He told her he's in love with someone else but he's being secretive about his travel plans. What should I do here? Other than breaking it off with him, which of course is an option. My plan was to email him and say do not contact me, I will be busy, and I dont want to hear his lies. What do you think? I really want to set my boundaries, and let him know his actions HAVE consequences...
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ex-wife, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hollyhockII +, writes (21 June 2012):
hollyhockII is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your help. I emailed him and said "I need to think about some things" and "I have been very busy" because if I bring up my concerns over the phone, he likley will just get defensive. It's better this way. He said I sounded distant and that he'd keep in touch and see me when he returned. But, I haven't heard much from him. Im just going to stay busy and try not to over worry. Thanks again. I will continue to keep you updated.
A
female
reader, hollyhockII +, writes (19 June 2012):
hollyhockII is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been dating for 4 mos, but no one ever discussed if it was "exclusive" it just evoloved after a month to where we were seeing each other about every other day. I suppose "exclusive" for the past 2 1/2 mos. No one discussed whether it was exclusive it just was "assumed" to be... perhaps that is the problem.
Should we discuss it?
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A
female
reader, Impartial_Opinion  +, writes (19 June 2012):
How long have the two of you been exclusively dating?
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A
female
reader, hollyhockII +, writes (19 June 2012):
hollyhockII is verified as being by the original poster of the question... I forgot to mention, they were together 5 yrs, married 3, and both of them filed for divorce multiple times and the cases were "dismissed". Every 6 mos. one of them would file, then they would reconcile and the filing would be dismissed (this info is avail to the public - on the County website). You see the reason for my concern, this seems to have been a very volatile and unhealthy relationship. At best, he is doing inappropriate things or failing to set appropriate limits on her contacting him!
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A
female
reader, hollyhockII +, writes (19 June 2012):
hollyhockII is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo kids, this was his 2nd wife... yes, they are legally divorced. He showed me the papers, and I saw the status of divorced online on the public Court website.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): How long were they married?How long now divorced?Kids? Grandkids?How long are you with this man? What is the status of the relationship? Just sex buddies . Or are you part of his inner circle family and friends? Are you invited over for supper to the kids home? Red flags definately: you caught him contacting his (ex)wife. If you did not give him an ultimatum would he be with you only or would he have been going back and forth between the two of you? Seems like this man wants a "relationship" with his ex. He may be sleeping with you but he is still part of her life and she most definately part of his. I know why you are panicking: you are afraid and fearful that he will hook up with her while at the function. Are they going as a couple? Does his/her family know of your existence? Boundaries, YES! But you cannot control his action.Trust? You cannot trust him at all!This man has proven to be deceitful, I think now he will cover up more.Protect your heart if you can. He's going back to her Again. If not permanently then he's going to be like a ping pong ball going back and forth between you two.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): I see red flags all over the place. People lie and are secretive when they have something to hide. He can be on good terms with his ex wife BUT if he is hiding something that means that he is the one crossing boundaries when it comes to what is appropriate to do with someone who is not his official partner. I dont' see any reason why he can't be completely open and honest with you about what is going on between them, unless he is doing inappropriate things.well another possibility is if you've tried to control him in the past, to where he feels that even normal things that other people would find OK, would trigger negative reactions in you and that's why he gets secretive to protect himself.
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A
female
reader, hollyhockII +, writes (19 June 2012):
hollyhockII is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who have answered, I appreciate it. I hinted at being invited... to no avail. Hmmm
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Here's a boundary you may not have considered; Insist on going with him. End of story. He will have no way to pull any sneaky things behind your back when you're with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Potentially, you might being a bit over-defensive and perhaps paranoid. You sound as if you can't decide whether you want to be his mother or a 15 year old girl. His actions "HAVE consequences"? Yet, you plan to to email him to say not to contact you? It all sounds a bit juvenile. You can't talk to him about this?Texting isn't the same thing as "seeing". I could see why you might be threatened if he kept in contact with his ex-wife, but I could see why me might make that distinction.All that said, I have to ask if he had kids with his ex-wife. If he did, I could absolutely understand why he still might contact her and go a family event where she would be present and why he might not invite you. I also have to ask how long you've been dating...less than a year? There's a time and place for meeting family, especially if there are kids involved.If he has no children or if he's in fact not legally divorced, then I would say you're intuitions might be justified, but at the moment, you sound a bit paranoid.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 June 2012):
 You're a little late at setting boundaries... but it costs nothing.... so go ahead and do so.....
I assume that you mean boundaries as in: "Hey (his name here), this is my home and YOU, Sir, are not welcome in it EVER AGAIN!!!!"
Did I understand you correctly????
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A
female
reader, Impartial_Opinion +, writes (18 June 2012):
Unfortunately, we cannot control other peoples thoughts and behaviour even though we might like to! I don't think you should break up with him, nor do I think you should email him (technically he has not done anything wrong) but just be wary and give him the benefit of the doubt.
It sounds like you gave him those boundaries when he lied to you previously so good for you and for any sensible man (if there even is such a thing :p) that should be enough..if it's not then more fool him. He was lucky enough that you gave him a second chance and if he does not appreciate that by overstepping the mark again then I'm sure you will have no hesitations about telling him where to go.
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