A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I made my boyfriend quit smoking. I have a big problem with smokers. My mom smoked when I was a kid and I hated it she finally quit when I was a teenager and we became a lot closer. I vowed from then on I wouldn't have to deal with smokers again. So, he started smoking after we were well into our relationship and kept it a secret from me. When I found out I told him the deal.. he was quitting, or I was leaving him. After a few times of lying he has really quit. However, he says things to me like "you think you're my mom," etc. He has also told me that if I love HIM I should "deal with his smoking" ..Is it just me or does that make no sense??? So, help me!! Why can't he just respect my feelings and be happy about quitting? We all know smoking is bad! I even try to reward him with little presents but he doesn't seem appreciative at all. What should I do. I really don't want to leave him but I can't have a boyfriend that is a smoker. Please help! Thank you. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tiki  +, writes (15 February 2007):
even though i'm a smoker myself i can understand and sympathise with your situation. my bf is a non-smoker but unlike you he's a bit of a hypocrite and smokes very occasionally. what you need to understand as a non-smoker is that smokers cannot give up just because somebody tells them too. i've lost count of how many times people have told me smoking will bring me to an early grave and how many times my boyfriend has guilt tripped me saying i'll die before him and leave him all alone but still i can't give up. smoking is an addiction and like all other addictions, the person suffering from it will not quit until THEY want to. your boyfriend has to make the decision to quit for himself, whether it be to prevent losing you, to expand him life span or just to feel healthier but before HE makes this decision there is very little you can do. my advice would be to explain to him that you understand how difficult giving up will be for him but that it would mean the world to you. perhaps you could suggest a day, in the future, an anniversary, his birthday, a holiday when he aims to stop smoking. Once HE has decided on a date to quit, help him by avoiding arguments (particularly around the first 3 weeks of him giving up), removing ashtrays, lighters and any smoking equipment (papers, filters or cigarettes) and then be as supportive as possible! If he does have a lapse, don't be too hard on him and remind yourself that smoking is an addiction. best of luck. tiki x
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