A
female
age
30-35,
*eggiemoo72
writes:Hey everyone- I'm new here!(sorry about the length in advance)I guess I found this forum after having a rough couple of days.I think I needed some reassurance, or some advice! A bit about me. I'm 20 and nearly 21 years old. I'm nearly finished University and am a driven student dedicated on a career in law. I work in a book shop part time and live with my friends. I have lots of friends and a few very close people who I adore. I have LOTS of interests and am quite an eclectic person. I am outgoing and happy and like to be a bit individual and am fiercly independent. I'm a real romantic. I don't really have any problems being around guys and live with 2, one that kinda broke my heart but he was too special to lose from my life. I have nver had a boyfriend, been kissed, been hugged or touched by a guy and am still a virgin. I am very shy with things like that and not openyl insecure as I never let anyone see it. I never used to be an open person but I've taught myself to be better. I am very self concious but hve been told I have no need to be and have been told a LOT that I'm pretty and that people are shocked I've never had a boyfriend (for those who know). I feel pretty embarrassed about telling people so I pretend I've had a boyfriend. Tragic really! I panic and get very weird when there's a prospect of ANYTHING romantic eventough I dream of it onstantly! I've only ever told one guy I liked him and he was a very affectionate guy who I adored and completely fell for and then he just told me he only wanted to be my friend (he's now my housemate an were fine now). I was so crushed. I've only had one guy in my life who has ever told me he liked me and I was in high school. I wasn't ready for anything like that, I soetimes don't even know if I am now, but we still get in touch every now and then but he's IT really, nobody since. No guy has ever been affectionate or come anywhere near me. My dad even asked if I was a lesbian one day (in the nicest way he could) and I feel SO embarrassed when people are all talking about kissing and sex and boyfirneds. I have NOTHING to say.I worry because I'm 21 nearly and have absolutely ZERO experience and NO prospects. I do get very lonely sometimes. I mean, I am very independent and am an only child and feel secure in that and able to keep my own company well but I don't WANT to all of the time. I'm sick of being alone.I guess I don't NEED it, I would LIKE it to happen. Doesn't everyone?I feel very unworthy and I KNOW people say, "It'll happen when you least expect it" or "it's good that you're saving yourself" but I'm 21 and some of my friends are in long term relationships or are engaged (early I know) but others have at least DATED or been KISSED and have a idea what it's all about and how it feels.I don't drink alcohol or smoke or go clubbing but I enjoy ysel and go out dancing and do loads of other things etc, just don't party hard or anything. Not my scene! I could never just kiss anyone and feel sometimes as if a guy has to be close to perfect to want to be with me because I'd freak out and I'm not good at stuff like that and he'd have to be so patient as I'm terrified of having sex and the thought of kissing someone, as it's the complete unknown, is scary too. I have n idea how it feels to be wanted. I wish I did but I don't. I mean, I felt utterly looserish but I wet to the cinemas alone the toher night and felt so stupid as couples were al around and I recently travelled down to london for work experience and spent 4 days there over my birthday alone. I went to the West End to a play on my own and went to the Harry Potter premiere alone....yo know? Those things you'd like to spend with someone.The main thing that worries me is that eventhough I made a move and told my friend I like him and it was the fIRST TIME I'd ever done that, I'd still have freaked out f anything hapened. I find intimacy petrifying and am TERRIFIED and so in a way I'm ok with not doing anything as it scares me too much but I WANT to as I want those amazing experiences....oh I don't know!I'm going to shut up now as I'm probably boring you all but I guess I just needed somewhere to get things out and if anyone's actually read this Id love someone in the same boat as me to reply or anyone with words of advice. Thank you soooo much for reading and ANY advice would be really appreciated!xxxxx
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clubbing, crush, engaged, insecure, kissing, lesbian, never had a boyfriend, shy, still a virgin, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 You skipped the question of whether or not you self please. With your answer, I expected you'd do so. You have yourself so absolutely closed, it's like locking a gate and keeping everyone out. You don't have to be slutty or flirtatious to have someone attracted to you. I think guys may be a bit intimidated. You're a law student. You might have to defend some of these guys at some point, or prosecute depending on which side you're on. lol
I don't know how much courtroom experience, if any, you've had thus far. If you've been to one, you know that feeling of tension when you first enter? I believe this is similar to what you might personal radiate where guys see you as unapproachable. Such as individuals who are intellectually above most. People are intimidated, so they don't approach.
As a law graduate myself, depending on what's you're doing, you'll need sex or booze. lol Bad joke, but holds some truth.
Since you have no experience, let's back up a little bit. Growing up, did you get the "birds and the bees" talk? How open was your household growing up as far as sexual conversation or intimacy shown by your parents? How was the body viewed or were conversations about the body secret. There were in our house. I had the birds and the bees talk with a neighbor's dad.
Although you view your body the way you do, guys desire the female body. Even bodies where the person it belongs to has a negative view. For many guys, seeing a naked lady is like God gave them a blessing of sight. That tells me, bodies are made to be beautiful and viewed at some point. Or all men are insane. Most women I know would choose the second, but I believe in the first.
Being treasured by someone is about letting your heart go and entering into the unknown, where you do so with faith that it will be protected. I feel as if you fear the unknown, or what to expect. I'm sure with your friends having sex and relationships, you've heard your share of horror stories. This could cause a negative view in you as well. "Well, if sex and love equals pain than why take a chance." I've been there, by experience, but it's still the same where fear is greater than the possible pleasure. Until 3+ years ago. I would have never had this conversation, talking about sex, bluntly asking sexual questions. I was one, although I had 4 kids, talk dirty? nope, Sex to me was just something that was done. Do things to one another, but never mention what you might want done. I'd be embarrassed as well when conversations would be brought up of a private nature. I had to come to terms that either they all change and not talk about sex, or I'd have to and accept that they might. I found, I was really not in touch with who I was, and definitely not with my sexuality. My view was, I didn't want to know anyone else was having sex, and I didn't want them to know I was.
As you said, when two people love each other, sex is and exciting experience. And for some, even if they don't love the person they're with. But in order to get there, it's important that you find comfort in your body and the way you look. Stop calling yourself unworthy. I don't believe that and deep deep deep down I bet you'll find it's not true as well. So, I think that's your first step. Don't think about the end result at this time. That can seem overwhelming. Take one step at a time. The first step is building your self esteem and the way you view that naked you in the mirror. or at least the way you perceive the fear of someone seeing you that way at some point.
If you're interested in a plan to overcome these issues. I'd be willing to give you one, or you can seek someone local if that'd be more comfortable for you. I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, meggiemoo72 +, writes (17 August 2009):
meggiemoo72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your long and really thought out reply- means a lot!Few things to mention:I'm not challeneged in the social department and am very outgoing and have plenty of friends and have a busy and hectic life so I'm not boring or a loser. I mean, I go clubbing if y friends go and don't enjoy it. I love dancing and havingfun with my friends but HATE the preconceptions and atmosphere. Guys ogling you and trying to chat you up and buy you drinks- I don't like that kind of thing and feel VERY uncomfortable. They're only after one thing in places like that.I meet lots of guys and have lot sof male friends but none are interested. That's not to say I'm ignorant or stand offish or weird or ANYTHING to put them off, obviously I'm doing SOMETHING wrong but I'm open and friendly etc.I'm not a sexy girl and am not a great flirter as I have zero practice and find stuff like that pretty uncomfrtable. I KNOW I could be great with the right person and could really open up but it takes me a LONG LONG time to get to know someone and really feel able to open up. I only ever spoke about matters of the heart to one guy in my life and I was 19 and it wasn't even face to face. It was a nightmare.I guess I'm just very confused and scared of winding up lonely...In answer to your questions:I don't feel disgusted by the thought of sex or anyting like that. I feel freaked out by it but don't think it's disgusting or horrible or anything. I think my problem is that I see it as something OTHER people do and can't for the LIFE of me see myself ever doing it. I'm not a sexual person and to be honest if I never did it, it honestly wouldn't bother me. I KNOW it must be an amazing experience if you love the person but it doesn't bother me all that much.The thought of being naked infront of someone is just about the single most terrifying thing I can imagine. I can't ever imagine doing it with someone I love and trust. I don't HATE the way I look, I meen I feel ugly and unattractive at times as all people do, but that's just common insecurity. I don't LOVE my body or the way I look but I don't HATE it.I feel it very difficult to be intimate with someone, not that I've realy had the opportunity. I've only really been cuddled by guy once and it was the NICEST feelin in the world until he told me it meant nothing to him. I just don't feel worthy of such contact and nobody's ever shown a wish to do it so why should I think otherwise.I'm not PESSIMISTIC as such, I know, well I hope, that on day that I'll meet someone and it'll all be lovely etc but doesn't EVERYONE, doesn't mean it's definitely going to happen. I KNOW a lot of people my age haven't maybe had sex or a long term boyfriend but I've done NOTHING.Not even held hands with a guy, never discussed my feelings with a guy (only over email once and i went badly), never been cuddled or hugged by a guy in a romantic way...absolutely nothing. I have even had a kiddy boyfriend when I was younger or had male friends until University. As you said, imagine someone kissing you. That does not in ANY way repulse me or make me feel freaked out as I can imagine it's wonderful but I don't see anyone wanting to. If they DID want to then I don't feel like I could BE romantic and could respond as I don't feel comfrtable.I really can't even explain this myself so I'm so sorry if it's confusing and useless!! ha!I would do ANYHITNG for someone to do such things and feel like tha for me but I think the problem is me. I don't ever feel like I'll be ready which is why I'm convinced it'll take a rather spectacular guy to want to try as I don't think I'd make it easy and I've TRIED but I find it very difficult.I'm not like others girls. Other girls can kiss and flirt and act completely fine with stuf like that but so many people have said to me that they can't ever see me doig things like that as I'm too innocent and someone said to me "Megan can't have sex....she just can't" and so it's not just me who thinks it. I'm just so confused!Thank you for reading this random mess and I'm sorry for the length!Thank you for your help!!!!!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 August 2009):
I'm going to apologize first for being blunt. When answering a question I don't believe candy coating or dodging around a topic that may be embarrassing or difficult to face helps the individual requesting advise.
Your question leaves out a few details that would help in giving you beneficial advice and/or a plan to head toward your desired outcome.
(1) You're terrified of being touched, kissed and beyond. Have you ever sexually touched yourself? I know embarrassing, but separates possibility of what may be going on with you. Some, who develop these fears also fear masturbation just as real as someone else touching them.
(2) When you look at your body, do you think about not yet being touched? If so, what direction is the thought? Such as. "I can't wait to find the one who touches." "This body is not worthy of someone's touch." "If someone touched me, I'd feel dirty or as if I did something wrong." This is the initial thought, not the one after that tries to rebuke or justify the initial one.
(3) Sit and close your eyes and really imagine someone coming up to you, grabbing you and kissing you. Imagine if it's reality, not just the desire. Imagine the fear. Do you feel anxiety? Shortness in breath? Constricted? Maybe an overwhelming need to escape? What does the fear look like?
That's a good start. Off those few questions, many questions about what's going on, where the fears may stem from, and types of fear will be answered. When being terrified, the objective is to go from A-B while lowering the risk of creating addition fear or enhancing the present fear in getting there.
Take care.
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