A
male
age
30-35,
*ammer69
writes:I imagine this question is going to spark a lot of controversy.Me and my fiance have been talking about kids lately. Why I have no idea. But she keeps saying about the kids have her last name. but she has already said that when we get married she is going to take my last name. I really want our kids to have my last name. It's one of those things I wanted when I finally did have kids. It's kind of something I've always thought about. But I don't really know how to talk to her about it without her getting angry.I need a way to bring it up to her and how to talk to her about it. so can sombody please help?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Maybe she does not see you both lasting in the future, so she wants your children to have a back up name just in case you both don't last in the relationship. I guess you need to compromise and just accept that if you are both to have children then they will have both of your names. I guess that is only fair. She will probably keep her name and just add yours when she gets married, that is probably what she is wanting to do anyway.
A
male
reader, mammer69 +, writes (17 May 2012):
mammer69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno she has no brothers but she isn't the last anymore her son has her name. She already has a kid and he has her name and his dad's but that is going to change soon, soon he will only have her name. But she wants the same thing to happen with the first kid as with ours. I just don't see the point of doing it if she is taking my name anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): OP has she any brothers? Because if not then she's the only one who can carry forward the family name and if that's the case she won't change her mind.
OP she's taking your name when she gets married so just wait until after you're married to have kids and they'll automatically inherit your name.
You could also do the double-barrelled name thing and have both your names.
I wouldn't have kids without my name and I really won't compromise on that either. Just as I would never allow circumcision or baptism. If a girl can't meet those conditions then she's not for me. Luckily my girlfriend loves my second name and can't wait to have it herself and has no time for archaic rituals either.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Have two kids. Let one of them have your surname and one of them have hers. Since this is all hypothetical anyway, this solution fits perfectly. No reason why you can't reach an agreement. ;-)
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male
reader, mammer69 +, writes (17 May 2012):
mammer69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not really sure why she wants the kids to have her last name. She already has a kid, infact she had it with a friend of mine before we got together. They combined the names and they said it was because they were like the last of there names. But she has her kid and as soon as he starts school she said she is dropping the fathers name so his last name is going to be her last name. And I want it because well I'm the last period all of my other family members that have my name are to old to have kids or are dead.I've wanted this since I decide I wanted kids. and she's like she is going to take my name but the kids are going to have both and I think one it doesn't make sense and two it's going to cause nightmares for the kids. No one can spell her name right and no one can say my name right even though it is simple. I just don't see the point if she is going to take my name then why give the kids another name. She wants to do the same thing with our names as she did with her first kid and I feel that was between her and my friend and not me and her. And I'm afraid to bring it because I know it will start a fight and I hate fighting with her but this is something I've wanted for a long time. So again how do I bring this up to her with out starting a big fight?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): If you really want your kids to have your last name and your gf doesn't agree with this, then your options are to either compromise, or end the relationship sooner or later before kids enter the picture.
I would suggest that you learn to compromise on this and realize that whether your kids have your last name or not they are still your kids and isn't that what matters? It would be a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship and an entire family all because of a legalistic issue.
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male
reader, Myau  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Insist, I did. My daughter has my last name
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 I would really like to start by saying that this is very much a problem of a society where children are supposed to have one last name only. This discussion would not make sense in Spanish or Portuguese speaking countries, because the children would carry both family names. In Spanish-speaking countries, the father's name would go first, and in Portuguese speaking countries the mother's would go first. That is tradition, whatever. End of story.
Not that I want to make fun of anyone or feel any superior; it's just a matter of trying to make a point so no one will feel this is such a huge matter in the great scheme of things.
The poster wants his children to have his name. He has always wanted it. The poster's fiancée wants children to have her name. Either they come to a compromise, or they don't. I recognize this isn't easy to do, but there is really nothing else to say about this. I really think they should achieve some compromise, or the poor kids will end up with no family name.
If you want to talk to her about this, say it. "You know, you want any hypothetical children to have your name, and I want them to have mine. What can you say about this?"
If you find it unacceptable that the kids don't have your name, then the only option is leaving her.
End of story.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 May 2012):
Honestly, I think it's odd, especially if she plans to change her last name if you get married. While, it really is pretty much a traditional standard and times are a changing, I think if you want the kids to have your last name it's a reasonable request. It's something you'll have to compromise on if she's really that adamant about it. I would also suggest the hyphening of the last names or have her last name be their middle name.
Do you know the reason why she wants them to have her last name and not yours? Does she like her last name better? Will her last name not continue on in her family if she doesn't give them her last name? Maybe if you can ask her the reasoning behind it (because I highly doubt she wants them to have her last name "just because") then maybe you can gain a better understanding as to why she would want to do that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): In my country, everyone has both last names, from the father and the mother, couldn't you two agree to do that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): It sounds to me like she is maybe doubting that her kids will be coming from you, that's why as of right now she wants her kids to have her own last name. That may be a subtle way of saying that she is unsure about starting a family with you or that she's open to the idea that the father of her kids may be someone other than you (meaning, she is making a contingency plan of what if the relationship doesn't work out between you two).That said, she talks about taking your last name if you get married. That is assuming you two do get married to each other. If so then she will take your last name, is what she's saying.It would be good if you could be less militant about wanting your kids to have your last name. They are your wife's kids too so if she wants them to have her last name she's breaking with tradition which means she must have a good reason for that (many people just blindly follow tradition, and maybe you are), so you should try to work out a compromise rather than planting your flag firmly in the sand saying no you want it to be your name. I've already listed one possibility why she may want her kids to have her last name. What are the reasons why you want it to be your name?
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (16 May 2012):
Well if she is going to take up your name when she gets married, I do find it strange that when you do have children they will have a different name to there mum and dad. To be honest I think you are both thinking way to far ahead. I understand it means a lot to you, maybe just ask her why she would want your children to have her second last name if she intents to change it to yours. Just talk to her about it, and tell her how much it means to you for all off you to share all the one family name.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): You should both just hyphenate your last names together, and then that becomes everyone's last name including your kids'.
I believe it's not fair to insist that your kids have YOUR last name. People are not property. it's one thing for kids to end up having one parent's lastname (usually the father's) out of convenience or if no one really feels strongly about it. But I take issue with people feeling strongly about wanting their kids to have ONLY THEIR last name and not their spouse's.
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