A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:This is a weird problem that I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about. My daughter dated this guy for a year and a half. I was positive they were going to get married, he was perfect for her. Because she was only a sophmore at university, everything was new and exciting for her, and she ended up calling things off with the boyfriend (he is three years older) basically saying he wasn't exciting enough. He took it hard, he truly loved her. The break-up devasted me as well. Now its over a year later, and I still have hopes that someday they will be together again. She has moved on to someone else who I just don't feel the same about even though he is a nice guy. Because the ex is still friendly with my son, I know some of what goes on with him. He still cares about my daughter but says he has to forget she ever existed. He hasn't found anyone else, but he's had a few random hookups which pretty much make me feel angry toward the girls he did stuff with. How can I get over this weird obsession for this kid and my daughter being together? It doesn't seem likely that they will get back together anytime soon, but I still feel so bad for him and can't imagine him dating anyone but my daughter.
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male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (24 July 2011):
It's perfectly understandable that you picture your daughter marrying a nice young man, and grandchildren coming along to complete the scenario. It's a lovely way to enjoy your maturer years, feeling that you've raised your daughter with sufficient judgement to choose a man you're happy with too. I do hope this eventually becomes reality, but it seems that the current ideal leading man may have to be replaced. Maybe he was perfect fantasy son-in-law material, but only your daughter knows the reality about what it might be like having him for a husband. Perhaps she simply felt he wasn't the right one, or maybe she's still too young to want to settle down. I don't think that's there's only one 'perfect match' in the world for each of us, but a pool of prospective spouses who will suit us one way or the other. I hope she has the luck to meet someone else that you approve of as much as her ex, and that things work out well for all concerned. Meanwhile, offer advice when she asks you, and remember that she, not you, is the one who will be his wife.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): In response to "anonymous", no I wasn't spying on them, my daughter tells me pretty much everything about her life. And I'm not "controlling" that she needs to be with a certain kind of guy. It was mostly because he fit so well in the family and was like a son to me that made it so hard to see them breakup and the gut feeling that they belong together and may still end up together someday.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): OK, it's not normal right that YOU were devastated by your daughter's break up! You're way too emotionally involved in her personal life, you need to learn to let go because she's an adult now and has to live her own life.Are you projecting something of yourself, your own insecurities or past disappointments, onto your daughter or onto her ex? Were you traumatized by a past breakup that you never got over completely, and projecting that onto them and thus wanting them to get back together so you can feel like you have closure in your life?Or are you being controlling of your daughter and projecting onto her your anxiety that she "needs" to marry a certain kind of a guy who will take care of her because you don't think she's capable of taking care of herself? stuff like that...this is your daughter's life, not yours. Who she dates should not be your business. She's an adult so she has to make her own choices for herself.And you don't know what really went on in their relationship, unless you were spying on them! :-)
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