A
female
age
41-50,
*iranda
writes:Dear Cupid,I have met this guy and we have been together for about a year, and through half the year I sexually cheated on him with my ex and lied. I'm not in love with my ex but i am defintely in love with my guy right now. I was stupid and regretful and we tried working it out but he is still upset and still bothers him. We we were supposed to get married and I ruined it. I love him to death but all we do now is still argue about and it's been four months already. I'm so hurt right now and he is the only person that's always on my mind.What should I do?
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Well, he feels it's all even now and you feel upset.
It was mean of him to do that, but at least he's (hopefully) got the poison out of his system. If you can accept it on that basis, there might be hope for the two of you to go ahead.
If you can't forgive him for sleeping with someone else, you shouldn't have ever expected him to forgive you.
If you can't forgive him for his vindictiveness, then you should break up.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 You reaped what you sowed.
Now that you know what it is like to cheat and be cheated upon,
then you can start from this point and work at your relationship.
Everything is now fair and equal.
Begin a new journey together and leave the past behind.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (30 May 2008):
 Hi again,
oh dear this is a very sad situation both of you have got into. He may very think that things have evened out between you two by having sex with another girl, and to some extent he probably feels better about himself now. But what really worries me is he has done it to get some satisfaction out of seeing your hurt.
At least you now know how much he must have hurt when you betrayed him, but two wrongs dont make a right.
I think there is no future for you two as a couple. You will simply go from crises to crises bringing up all this baggage between you. You are still only in your 20's , very young. It's best I believe to cut the umbilical chord so to speak, you both need to do your own healing now but not together, because together you just tear each other apart. Life is too short mate to put yourself through this type of thing - for both of you.
Good luck anyway.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 May 2008):
 You don't have too. You chose your act, which caused damage to your relationship. He forgave you. He then chose to cheat, so it's now your choice if you should forgive him or not. We can't make that decision for you. My point of view is not too. Instead of working out issues, he chose to add to problems by making a poor choice as well. This tells me, if you're with him for a real long time, don't expect him to be someone who sits down and compromises to develop a conclusion which works for both you.
Remember this as well for future decisions, cheating, asside from death, is the #1 cause of mental tauma for the one who was cheated on. Quite often those who cheat, and claim they love the other, don't take time to consider the long term traumatic affect their decision has.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miranda +, writes (30 May 2008):
Miranda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Cupid,
Following up on my situation, here we are in May every since I cheated on my boyfriend Ive tried and tried to make things better for us. Its been five months and he tells me he forgives me but today I find out that he had sex with another girl to get back at me. What is wrong with me? He says he willing to start over with me should I say yes even though he had sex with someone else. So how am I supposed to get over that. I love him but this crazy Im losing it. What do i do am I a hypocrite if dont forgive him. Just because I f***d up that doesnt mean he should also get me back the same way. Im not sure what to do any more. At this point of my life im sick of everything.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (16 April 2008):
Nothing is forever or cast in stones like Moses tablet.
Today's enemies maybe tomorrow's friend.
Life is full of paradox and quirks.
Don't go to him now because he will instinctively run from you .
When he sees you have given up on him, he will miss you
and may reassess his relationship with you.
He may make a U turn or he may not ,depending on the
strength of his love for you.
If his love for you is strong, he will come back.
If not , he is not worth your attentions anymore.
To err is only human and to forgive is divine.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (16 April 2008):
Hi,
sorry to say, but after this time if he is still not healing then you most likely have lost him.
See it as a lesson in life, be faithful to the ones you love. He probably loved you so much it was too much to forgive. Remember that in future, but yes you need to move on with your life.
Take this lesson with you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (16 April 2008):
Nobody knows what the future will hold.
Look at the bright side of things.
If he was meant for you , he will come back.
You cannot say there is no more hope.
Hope is there and only if you don't give up.
I am not going to give you any false hope.
I am saying that you cannot tell the future.
You move on and do not wait for his answer.
You have done all you could to atone for your mistake.
If in his heart , he does not have the grace to forgive you
, then there is nothing more you can do about him.
Things just happened and you cannot explain everything with reasonable answers.
There are sometimes no answers to every thing or you cannot
explain it in a satisfactory or logical way.
I don't blame you because emotions and sex are powerful forces and you can be swept away like the tsunami.
People can have their 'holier than thou ' views or be judgmental or hypocritical .
They see with their narrow, bigoted and myopic views and think the world is just like their small world.
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A
female
reader, Miranda +, writes (16 April 2008):
Miranda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your comments. Today is actually he's birthday and he is not talking to me. I guess he has made up his mind. Maybe its a sign for me to move on.I tried emailing him and wished him Happy birthday thru a txt because he won't answer. I supposed there is no more hope for us anymore.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (7 April 2008):
Hi,
He is still with you because he still loves you.
But like a lot of people he can't deal with the betrayal.
So you guys may not have much of a future together. Have you discussed what lead you to cheating on him?
If all avenues have been discussed then you may need to split up and treat it as a lesson in life - if you love someone they expect you to remain faithful. Don't let it become a habit.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I agree with laura, except don't know why and how it happened.It just happened. This response is unacceptable to most men. You need to know why, otherwise, you will just insult him. Sorry Laura.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 April 2008):
All you can do is to apologize to him and stop arguing with him.
The more you argue , the more it will harden his heart.
Whatever he says, just keep silent or say you are sorry.
Just tell him what you did was wrong and you don't know why and how it happened.It just happened.
Give him time and space to think about it and if he still loves you , he will come back for you.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 April 2008):
Sometimes when a mistake is made, it's life changing. The thoughts "Why could she do this, then CLAIM she loves me?" "How dare her think everything is going to be okay, when she betrayed me." "How could she lie and cheat, then expect marriage?"
Think about this. Your behavior, is it okay or justified that it ruined your getting married? You say you love him, why did you do it? I believe cheating is one of the most disrespectful actions someone can take part in. It ruins trust. Destroys self esteems. In some cases has even caused suicidal behaviors.
I know I can be a bit harsh. I do so, because from his end being cheated on, this action (on a traumatic scale) have a mental impact as a female who'd been raped. Not the same form of trauma, but the levels of are equivelant.
To get back on track, he'd have to forgive you will 100% of him. It's okay to want to make things work, but it won't happen while the impact of the action is still a big part of the other persons life.
Just remember in the future, the only way to really make it right is to not do it in the first place. There really is no excuse for this behavior. I live by a simple rule. It's okay to do something as long as it doesn't have a negative affect on someone else.
Take care. I agree. Get him flowers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): There is very little you can do about the situation. You hurt him and now, he will be going through all kinds of emotionals; betrayal and such. Sorry girl, but you need to learn from this, learn why you did it, why you lied and come to turns with it and not to do it again. He may not be the same again, and his next girlfriend (if he doesn't come back to you) may have problems with him because of this.
The best you can do, is maybe send him some flowers and a real mature letter describing how wrong you were and how much you regret hurting him. Then keep your fingers crossed.
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