A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been through a very hard time since I was a kid, my mother was an alcoholic she drank 24/7 but now she's stopped completley and I'm so happy for her but when she was drinking I suffered with depression and I was addicted to codine. I had three different consellers and one shrink I was close to committing suicide.. but now everything's better.I really miss feeling depressed, I miss the codine and I miss the attention!!please don't hate me.. if your going to be mean don't comment!!x
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male
reader, wbbigdave +, writes (28 January 2009):
I am sorry to the male reader who posted his comment before mine. Unfortunately not all of us on this lump of rock have the capacity to see the questions not being asked, the ones that sit between the black and white on the page (screen it is all the same).But for someone like the previous poster (Male, reasonably successful, and I am trying not to judge I can only get what I get from your tone (Take what you will from mine I care neither way, you can call me flowery, self centred or an artistic ponce but I don't care)) I can say that they do not understand the feeling.I do.I am feeling it right now, as I type this out (and I understand this is three months late but I didn't feel this until now) as I lie here in bed in front of my computer monitor; I whole heartedly understand you I feel the odd twang in my heart, the flutter in my soul somewhere between feeling and not, and so I offer my advice.The Codeine and the attention are...I would say gimmies. We can put these aside, there loss and therefore current nostalgia is explained through pre-determined chemical imbalances or low self esteem issues. (Not through being an attention seeker, for being the centre of attention when you have low self esteem really boosts you, makes you feel warm in your chest; warm and dark. See depression is a remarkable subject)Missing depression is something I arrive at every few months. It comes in sickening waves leaves me feeling horribly down and under the weather, for want of another metaphor my reminiscence spirals me down into a miniature depression with horrible certainty. But I emerge better and stronger every time. The only reasoning I can see for having this feeling is that I do miss the “blanket” of dark deep crushing feeling. The pure hopelessness, staring into the abyss thinking nothing will ever be better again; wrestling with demons, altered states of mind and “The thoughts” (I’m guessing you know what I am talking about. I am not ready to open this chapter of the story of my life fully). This “Blanket” is everything, it defines our actions for most of our waking time, it defines who we are for our entire internal monologue and it alters our perception of what we see, think about and dream of. For almost ten years of my life, and I am guessing a deal longer for others possibly yourself, depression was me.There are of course omissions in detail here for sake of formatting, but believe me there is a lot I can write from experience, (And if you were sat opposite me in my room, on the floor of my lounge in a seedy bar in an unnamed town somewhere there would be none) but this is what I can understand from my limited knowledge in mental health practice...We miss depression, because we look back with nostalgia. We miss having a defining characteristic of our life, we miss us, it was our life, every day. But it was also comfort in darkness, however crushing. Like being wrapped in a blanket that your mum has had since you were a child, and covers you with when you are sick, it is pure comfort. (When we look back)We are happy, we don’t have a constant feeling of happy, hell we would go insane, but we are happy. You don’t feel something all the time, there is not a constant voice telling you over and over it isn’t going to be all right. But this is happy, this is how life is. We feel nothing but a sort of calm all the time, there is no one underlying feeling we vary we flop about between them, lazily, lethargically but never stopping. We are happy, but we miss the constant. The routine. Incidentally I do not miss Codeine one iota; it gave me three weeks of hellish nothing. I first saw it as a drug to “Level the playing field for me to get my head in order” but I was not happy. I felt nothing, no happy no laughter no fear, no hate, sorrow. Nothing, so I stopped. With the mother of all comedowns I stopped. I would rather feel depressed than nothing. Words a councillor told me that will always ring true, (I remember nothing else but this, and I saw her a lot). “Every emotion serves a purpose. Hate, sadness, joy, the all serve as reminders that we are not only alive but we also have feelings, others apart from what we are feeling right now.”Hope I helped.
A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (23 October 2008):
 I'm all about honesty, and the truth is you are an attention seeker. You hate to NOT be the centre of attention. If everything is better how can you miss being depressed. I don't hate you, as you put it, I just think you are in love with yourself a bit too much. Why for example would you come on here in a questions forum and not ask a single question - just say something to spark a reaction? You are an attention seeker who is only concerned with herself. Get over yourself!
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