A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and been living together for 2.Recently I went into his phone to text myself (couldn't find my phone) and there were messages to and from this girl he used to work with, "Vanessa". We've had arguements before because I never liked the girl and I always told him how I felt uncomfortable about him talking to her, so he promised he wouldn't but always did. Well its been a while and I guess he just started talking to her again when I found their text messages. Later on again I had to use his phone and he deleted all of their text messages to each other. I'm just tired of the empty promises, and every time I confront him about it, he turns it around on me and says it's stupid the way I feel about certain things and makes his empty promises again.I just don't know what to do or how to get my point across. I wanna be able to trust him but I don't.
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female
reader, Lamb  +, writes (18 November 2008):
i have a similar issue. wow i don't know what to say.
except i feel for you. i trust my bf that there's nothing going on, but why does he lie about it? THAT is what makes me suspicious. if she's just a friend, if the content is innocent, why hide it? makes me think he has a secret crush or something. i can't get over how many guys repeatedly lie to their gf's. they get into so much more trouble than if they were just honest about the issue in the first place. one of those differences between men and women i will never understand!
good luck. you'll be fine no matter what you decide.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you girls, I like what all of you said. I do think I'm overreacting a bit? But just the fact that its being hidden from me and im being lied to what really is upsetting me. its a simple thing to ask isn't it? nothing big right? What they talk about is nothing intimate or extreme, but I didn't like that when i found the texts, it was when we were drinkin at home with the friends and of course we were all pretty drunk, he was on his phone quite a bit that night actually. I also did find a long while ago after we got into an arguement over something that he texted her to smoke weed with him and still had he made that promise to not talk to her. I never found out if they hung out or not. They used to be co-workers at his old job, which is how I myself met her. The reason I don't like her is just because my best friend dated this girl's brother and told me some bad stuff about her. i'm sorry i'm quick to judge, but girls i don't want him talking to her lol. I'm finding it hard to leave him, actually we just got into an arguement tonight over nothing, actually he assumed something i was mad at him and finally snapped at me and acted like a complete jerk. I was really in a good mood today and we were getting along just fine, he did act a little impatient but man, I swear he was the one PMSing tonight! anyways, I've thought about leaving many of times but never have. I don't know if its just me being hard headed or vulnerable, but i've been finding it hard to leave. part of it could be that i don't have anywhere else to go. i don't know, i feel though that I'm being taken for granted, unappreciated, and not respected. I'm afraid to talk to him about it, I have before, but basically he fights back saying that the way i feel about certain things are stupid, and nothing gets resolved. Let me just tell you girls that when he's asked me to not talk to someone he didn't like, I stopped because I respected his feelings about that person. I'm very loyal to him and I always look out for him, but I feel like now that he doesn't do the same for me, i feel like he doesn't even give a shit about my feelings. i feel like i'm just here for him to have. I feel like I'm the one putting effort in this relationship and he's not. We always do what he wants to do and never do we do anything i want to do. Trust me I've talked about this all before with him and it never gets resolve, or it does get resolved and he goes back to being the same way again. Sorry guys for ranting on, just been a bad night and i'm a bit upset. please get back to me soon. Thanks! 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you girls, I like what all of you said. I do think I'm overreacting a bit? But just the fact that its being hidden from me and im being lied to what really is upsetting me. its a simple thing to ask isn't it? nothing big right? What they talk about is nothing intimate or extreme, but I didn't like that when i found the texts, it was when we were drinkin at home with the friends and of course we were all pretty drunk, he was on his phone quite a bit that night actually. I also did find a long while ago after we got into an arguement over something that he texted her to smoke weed with him and still had he made that promise to not talk to her. I never found out if they hung out or not. They used to be co-workers at his old job, which is how I myself met her. The reason I don't like her is just because my best friend dated this girl's brother and told me some bad stuff about her. i'm sorry i'm quick to judge, but girls i don't want him talking to her lol. I'm finding it hard to leave him, actually we just got into an arguement tonight over nothing, actually he assumed something i was mad at him and finally snapped at me and acted like a complete jerk. I was really in a good mood today and we were getting along just fine, he did act a little impatient but man, I swear he was the one PMSing tonight! anyways, I've thought about leaving many of times but never have. I don't know if its just me being hard headed or vulnerable, but i've been finding it hard to leave. part of it could be that i don't have anywhere else to go. i don't know, i feel though that I'm being taken for granted, unappreciated, and not respected. I'm afraid to talk to him about it, I have before, but basically he fights back saying that the way i feel about certain things are stupid, and nothing gets resolved. Let me just tell you girls that when he's asked me to not talk to someone he didn't like, I stopped because I respected his feelings about that person. I'm very loyal to him and I always look out for him, but I feel like now that he doesn't do the same for me, i feel like he doesn't even give a shit about my feelings. i feel like i'm just here for him to have. I feel like I'm the one putting effort in this relationship and he's not. We always do what he wants to do and never do we do anything i want to do. Trust me I've talked about this all before with him and it never gets resolve, or it does get resolved and he goes back to being the same way again. Sorry guys for ranting on, just been a bad night and i'm a bit upset. please get back to me soon. Thanks! 3
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 I agree with MammaMia, depends on the messages - if they arent intimate then you are overreacting, although it is not very common for guys to have a girl as their best friend, does happen though.
And if the txts were compromising him, then I suggest separating for a bit to get your point across...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): You saw the messages, were they innocent, casual chatting or were they intimate?
The content of the messages will have an influence on my decision.
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A
female
reader, becks81 +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Really i feel for you because it happened to me over a long period of time and emails as well in the end.
Think it's a good time to point out that initially if both parties in the relationship are happy it's ok to text female/male friends because its healthy to have this kind of trust in each other as long as it;s not too much or not in context. If it takes over someones time and they really should be giving this to you it can be very unhealthy i guess also this person may not of been a very good friend of his and perhaps if she has appeared since you got together this seems inappropriate because i think we can see she is very likely to be harboring something for your partner.
You know what the real issue is here is that he knows your hurting over this and he's chosen to continue anyway this is very distressful and damaging to your future together he needs to respect what you have or risk losing it or maybe he has already. I'm sensing you are losing your respect rapidly for this man and i don't blame you.
Tell him again that this strange relationship in the texting world is not appropriate it's damaging and if it doesnt end you might do well to walk away now.
It will hurt god it will kill you but the possibility is that resentment sets in quickly and also i'm not saying he will do this but he could continue to do this and things can evolve from here and before you know it he's having an emotional relationship relying on this form of communication.
Give him the benefit of the doubt if he says nothing is happening. Talk to him once more but do not let him brush it under the carpet you deserve more and this is not what a long term relationship is about and that's what he's in remind him of that.
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Hun if you asked and he promised he should do that but you need to ask are they just friends or are they more?
Just Ask him see how he Reacts to the situation because only you know your guy
Good Luck\x
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A
male
reader, mrcrazymontgomery +, writes (23 October 2008):
 This is simple. You must leave him. If you start a family with this loser, you will wish that you had not. So leave now, sooner the better.
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