A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been separated from my husband for a year and we are filing for divorce this month. It was terrible, traumatic, both of us did terrible things to each other and I have had post traumatic stress problems for this whole year. So much so, in fact, that I have isolated myself from meeting anyone, guys or girls. I had nothing to chat about, small talk seemed impossible to me, with my huge issues. So I avoided all social activity. Recently I have started to come out of it, and have realized that I can’t change him, I can't change the past, but I can change myself, and if I do not, I will likely end up in the same situation again, which would kill me. I placed a personal ad to kind of get a sense of what is out there. I don't even really want a guy or a boyfriend right now, and I only sleep with guys when I have an emotional investment in it, what I wanted was interaction with other people. So with that in mind the ad was 100% truthful about my situation, what I've just gone through, where I am emotionally, etc. It really wasn't complimentary towards me at all. I basically said I've been thrown for a loop, have been through hell and back, and still have a lot of work to do so whoever answers it should bring some power tools to get through my defenses. I wasn't expecting really anything because honestly any HEALTHY guy in his right mind would not have answered an ad like that. I got a zillion answers, but only one was remotely interesting. Only one had a sense of authenticity to it. So I answered the guy's letter and stated, again, that I am not really in a great place but I liked his letter. After a few emails back and forth I decided I could really like this guy, but I could not meet him, could not meet anyone at all, because if I can't be healthy to begin with how can I expect anything but more misery, drama and trauma. So I sent him a very nice email explaining why I couldn't go through with meeting him, and being 100% honest about the fact that I realized I should NOT be meeting ANYONE right now, I should be working on myself. I apologized from top to bottom for it.He sends a nice letter back saying he understands completely, and good for me, because it sounded to him like my head was starting to be in the right place, to realize I need to work on myself first. So I went on the internet and found a support group for divorced people in my city, where I thought I should start with my healing process, to be around others going through the same thing. I join the group, start to email a few people, and I decide to attend this meeting where I can meet them.Then it happened. An email from the group organizer wanting me to know that he recognized my picture as THE ONE FROM THE AD. Yep, you got it, it was him. Imagine the horror, embarrassment! I was mortified. Wanted to crawl through a hole and die. How could I now go to this group and bare my soul, knowing that this guy knows stuff about me that I do not particularly want bandied about, he knows I placed an ad, knows I am a wreck. And I started to like this guy, how could I now go and be completely, fully myself without the subterfuge that comes with trying to be attractive to someone else? The long and short of it is this. We have been emailing back and forth and I now feel comfortable enough to go to this damn group, which by the way is at his house, and bare my soul and try to get some help getting through this. However, I really do kind of like him. And I shouldn't. And I can’t tell if he likes me back which is MADDENING. How can I put that part of me away and try to get the most out of this? How can I go there and NOT try to look attractive, NOT try to impress him with my wit and sparkle? Because I CAN't do that, I need the support more than I need a guy right now. I just don't know how to achieve that.HELP! And isn't that BIZARRE????
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female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT  +, writes (25 February 2007):
 Well you really have had a hard time babe haven't you, but well done you for realising you can change yourself, that takes great strength and is a big step to the road of recovery xxxx
This bloke sounds great just the tonic you need someone out there is looking over you thats for sure.....what is meant to be won't pass you by and it sounds like fate to me.(how luck changes xx)
He sounds very compationate and obviously knows how you feel, its nice to be able to talk to a man who has feelings and builds up your spirits I understand you feel nervous about meeting him and how ironic it all is but sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns....
Like you said your not ready for a relationship yet but that time will come so for now take him as the friend he has been.( maybe he does have other thoughts about you but he will let you know when the time is right).
You don't have to dress down to go to his house you just be yourself girl and when your ready and your feeling good about yourself go to the hair dressers get your nails done do some retail therapy and blow his socks off when the time is right for you, (your going to really enjoy that one trust me).
Take each day as it comes and forget the past this is your beginning girl and its just going to get better and better and you say you really like him and you know you shouldn't (why shouldn't you?)
I really wish you so so so so much luck and will be thinking of you please please let me know how you get on babes, you sound such a lovely lovely person you touched my heart so I will send you all my love and best wishes xxxv
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (25 February 2007):
 First of all I want to commend you for wanting to DO something positive for yourself in the wake of your separation so well done there! I think this man sounds really nice, genuine. He really felt for you and what you went through and genuinely wanted to befriend you. The fact he's the organiser of this group makes me wonder if he's been through similar himself?
He seems pretty grounded and I don't think for one minute he'll tell anyone about any conversations you've had over email, he doesn't seem the type so I'm sure your "secrets" will be safe with him. Don't beat yourself up about this though, why "shouldn't" you like him? You have a good head on your shoulders, you're not a silly teenager, you're only interacting with other friends who have been through the same thing as you have.
I think you were probably meant to meet this man, it's too much of a coincidence... even although you have done everything possible to avoid meeting with him, now you're going to his HOME! lol Hey, go and enjoy the group, you'll probably be totally absorbed in it once it gets going and you'll see him first hand too and may be pleasantly surprised when you meet with him "in the flesh" lol (Sorry I'm teasing you.)
Yes, you do need the support and you'll get it. He totally understands where you're coming from and I don't think for one minute either of you will rush into anything. Be yourself, don't dress down for it, dress as you would normally dress and treat him as a friend. You have a terrific opportunity to be totally healed of the pain you went through AND meet a good friend into the bargain and if fate continues the way it has up till now... then who knows what lies ahead! ;o)
Eve (Keep me informed):o)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2007): Hi hun, I have been to a divorce support group and I was amazed at the compassion and help all the others, there..gave me. It was amazing. I found it extremely helpful. So I must say, good for you going to this support group to seek help. Hun, if this circumstance is too hard for you, you could always seek another support group. Or you could simply forget what this man my think and go and get the best out of it. This guy is a 'divorce support group' organizer. I would think he's heard and seen it all. Like you stated you need the group more than you need a man. Make your spiritual well being the top priority here. Realize that healing and recovering is a way of honoring yourself. To my way of thinking, that is probably the greatest gift you can give to not only you but to someone else, someday. Good luck and try not feel awkward or embarrassed. I think in time you will relax and just go with the flow. Just be yourself and get the best out of it that you can. Do this for 'you'.
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