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*emony99
writes: Ok well. i am a 20yr old female, i have only ever dated men but have known for nearly a year that i am bisexual. There is this girl, call her jenny. She is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen, and we play on a sport team together. A week ago we kissed and it was amazing. the next day we went on a date which was also perfect but we didnt kiss (as it turns out because we were both afraid to make the first move). but now i am not seeing her for 3 weeks and when i do it will be on a sports tour, not the most romantic environment. i dont know what to do. i am becoming more and more smitten with her and i dont know what will happen when i see her. i really like her and would love to have her as my girlfriend. however, there is another problem because my family dont know i am bi. and they are really homophobic. when, how and if should i tell them? and how do i deal with jenny? we are in contact (text/email etc) so maybe before tour i should email and tell her what i am feeling and find out what she wants to happen. but then maybe i am making a big deal of nothing she is just so stunning. i also am terrified as i would have NO idea what to do in a relationship with a girl, in somany ways. please help!! Reply to this Question
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reader, Qui-Gon-Jim +, writes (16 December 2005):
 Firstly... I IDENTIFY!!! Although I'm a few months further down the line. If I explain my situation, maybe it will be easier to make your choices, knowing the outcomes of mine? Ok, here we go...
I realised I liked boys about January 2005 time. I went on a date with one etc, and wondered about telling my mates (and family?). Well, I decided (eventually) that telling my mates would be a good thing to do ,and did. There are some mates that support you all the way, and like you more for it. Others (more homophobic) rip the living p*** out of you (sorry to be harsh). The question is, once you've come out to your mates, will it still be ok to talk to them?
As for your homophobic family, they might not be as homophobic as they seem. I didn't tell my family, because I thought this too. They still don't know. I almost regret it, because I think we could have been closer for it, but it all depends on the family, I suppose. A couple of weeks ago, I told my sister and she was ok with it, and steadily I'm building up to telling my family.
Long story short, you don't have to worry about what other people think, untill you KNOW you want them to know. My recommendation in the short-term: keep it under your hat until you're comfortable. It worked out ok over here...
Hope you found this helpful!
Qui-Gon xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): Firstly, the only real difference you'll find in a same-sex relationship is that you'll share clothes more easily. Otherwise, they're full of all the same joys and bull as any other mixed-sex relationship, to a degree. However, you'll probably find that both of you will enjoy a LOT more gender fluidity. A favourite game of mine with my ex-boyfriend was waiting to see who the waiter presented the cheque to when we went out. Revel in it.As for the family, that's always a bit dicier. If you really, truly fear an averse reaction (being disowned, college money cut-off) the best thing to do is leave town for college (if that's within your means) or to strike out on your own straight away. Once you've established financial independence, you'll at least be safe in that vein when you break the news. Remember, that is only if you forecast the WORST-CASE SCENARIO.If you're not quite sure how things will go if you come out, you could try and susset out your "best bet" family member; whoever you think will react kindly, and start with them. Then onto the next, and the next, and the next. If you're going to do THAT, make sure there isn't a big delay between family members, else people may be hurt that they were the last to find out and it puts a definite wedge between family members during that interval. Whatever you do, DON'T stand up at a family event and make an announcement to your whole extended family. It may seem convenient, but it'll be pandemonium for days. If you want to do it in one shot, you need to pick a relaxed, low-key time, when the 'rents aren't trying to entertain. Also recognize that coming out as bisexual to your family may be even harder than if you were 100% lesbian, so be prepared to answer a lot of questions, but be firm and confident in your answers. Don't put your family through this ordeal if you don't sound sure yourself. You need to sell it to them - "Mom, Dad, I AM bisexual". If they plead you to change your mind or seek help, decline politely and reassure them that you're very content being bisexual. Also, remind them all that you haven't changed at all, that you've merely learned something new about yourself, and that you trust them with this intimate knowledge. Things may be weird for a while afterwards, but if you just keep going through the normal motions of your home life, eventually balance will be restored.Returning to Jenny - it sounds like she's into you, too. You may want to save telling your parents about her for later when they've dealt with your bisexuality, or when you're sure that you and she want to go out seriously. Baby steps.Best of luck.
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