A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really am in like with this guy at work. He has so much in common with me in so many ways, I feel like we are perfect for each other. And I know he can see it... I can see it when he asks me certain questions, because he's trying to figure me out.. I can see it when we're in a crowd of coworkers and we're looking at each other.. briefly, of course... I can see it when he sees me and he tries so hard not to smile, but he does.. just the tiniest bit. He's not in a relationship with this girl, but she really likes him, and they've been hanging out outside of work. He and she were there before myself, so I have no room to come in and take a place. They had one night of making out, etc. (no sex, he's not that kind of guy), and he came in with a hickie. He was so ashamed. He kept explaining how he didn't mean it to happen and it won't happen again. How he knows he should'nt be showing up to work with a hickie, when he can't even say he has a girl friend. I get it, because I have the same set of morals. I know to a lot of poeple it sounds idiotic. I kind of set him straight that day and he was grateful for it. He said I was the only one who really helped him, where everyone else was just gossiping and teasing him. I told him that if he wants to be with her, he needs to be with her and set it in stone. He can't be all indecisive on her, make out with her but refuse to see her the next night. Well she talks to me all the time about him. I smile and "get excited" when she tells me they did something. When there's a problem, I explain it on his behalf to calm her down.... and it kills me. And every time i am helping her and giving her advise to grab and keep him, i am hoping she'll have some news about how he officially ended it... and the couple times she's said "i dont think we're ever getting together" i've been so happy, but managed to keep a smile on. THIS SUCKS. what would ya'll do in this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I read all your responses and I want to say "thank you." I don't have time for a full response right now, only to clarify one thing:
I don't speak with him about her. Only with her about him. I talked to him one day when he came in with the hickie, but never before and never after.
I'll be back later.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 I think you should stop helping her out. Just be honest about this. You like the guy. You want him to not be with her, but get to know him better yourself. It's all ok! Just because she saw him first doesn't mean he's limited to date only her. It's a free world. If you like him, go for him yourself. You don't have to make it into a competition, just step out of the shadows and stop helping this girl getting the guy YOU want. Give the guy a clear view of his options.
Then again, it could be wise to just sit still and not do anything for a while, and see how it goes. If this guy is horribly indecisive you don't want to get yourself involved with a triangle drama. Stop helping the girl. Just check out of the situation. Let them sort it out. And get to know him yourself in the meantime. However, do not flirt or get yourself involved until you are certain he's done with this other girl. You do not want him to do the same to you: make out with you only to make out with her the next evening.
The guy needs to make up his mind first about what he wants. But stop helping this woman out... let her sort it out herself. That way, if they realize they don't want each other, or don't match up well, you'll be free to date him yourself. If you get yourself entangled in the situation now she'll see you as a traitor and you could get labelled a man-stealer and what-not.
So, just set yourself on the side-line for now. If she asks your advice again tell her you don't know, and that you think it's best she sorts this out herself without you meddling in.
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A
female
reader, laurenlouise  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 have you ever thought about your so called friend in all this too? how would it affect her and your friendship would you really want one of your friends doin that too you?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Boy, this is a difficult position. The others have given you great advice. However, I have a couple thoughts that might take this in a different direction.
This whole thing is happening at work between co-workers. This drama can put your job in jeopardy, and if this job you have is along the lines of something you're interested in career-wise, this could hurt your entire career.
You didn't specify whether or not this other girl from work is your friend. If she's just a co-worker, you don't owe her anything. However, this guy you both like could have very easily asked you out rather than this other girl.
You may not like my advice, but I would suggest letting your friend date this guy, concentrate on the bigger picture of your life, whether it be this job, your college (if you're in it), and where you want to be headed. Quite frankly, where you will be in 5 years might not have any of your co-workers in it. Time to leave high school in...well...high school.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Adelaide's Agony Aunt  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Dear 18-21;There is an old saying: what they do with you, they will do to you. It's an important one to remember. Why?Well in your case, think about if you finally get with the "Romeo" that you have been supporting because he is not emotionally strong enough to shoulder his own problems. You are finally with him and he has had this tendency to need another female to help him with his love life, so he will fill the void that you were as his confidant and fixer with someone else - even for your relationship if it finally happens. Do you deserve that in a relationship? Also does anybody deserve that? If you think no then what are you doing facilitating that role in his and his "friends" life? Lastly; consider how you are being perceived at work in this situation and be careful that you are not being made a fool of, no potential romance is worth that. I recommend that you find an emotionally strong partner that doesn't need external support for his romances. Good luck, Yours Sincerely, Adelaide's Agony Aunt.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (3 February 2011):
 I'm going to disagree with the, "if he was interested in you, he'd let you know," view. You're interested in him, but haven't let him know, right? Despite all the looks, the smiles, the closeness between you two, whenever he comes in ashamed about this other girl, or worried about something, or unhappy about her, you patch his relationship up and help him to keep her and even encourage him to make it official. You FEEL like you're interested, but ACT like you aren't. Why would he break things off with that girl if he doesn't have any guarantee that you're into him as more than friends? You're sending mixed messages.
Maybe sometime, ask him if he's ever considered ending things with the other girl. Ask him if he might be interested in anyone else. Maybe even come out and tell him YOU'RE interested in him. This is the 21st century. Women are allowed to make the first move too.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (3 February 2011):
 You like him, you think he likes you, but he's hanging out with some other girl and making out with her. Do you really think that he likes you that much?
Sure, she was there before you but if he really wanted you he'd have walked away from her a long time ago and chased you. It wouldn't be that hard, she's not even his girlfriend.
He knows she likes him so he's using it to his full advantage. I wouldn't be surprised if they're sleeping together, maybe they're keeping it under wraps because of work. He's not committing to her because he doesn't want to, he doesn't like her enough.
And you? He probably knows that you fancy him as well. What an ego boost for him! Those little looks you get are his way of making sure the attention is on him, that you're still after him.
If he was genuinely interested you'd know.
So what do you do? Not much I'm afraid. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think he'll suddenly start coming after you. But do stop playing the good friend to her...it's not doing you any good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, when I said "and the couple times she's said "i dont think we're ever getting together" i've been so happy, but managed to keep a smile on..."
I meant to say "I've managed to keep a serious face/ frown on."
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