A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi ive beem dateing my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I love her with all my heart but i dont know if i see us going anywhere in the future. The problem is that shes not trying to get a job or anything and it seems like she has no intention too either. It seems like she has no plans for the future at all. I told her how i feel and she told me she would try to uprade her english to a college prep level, this was 6 months ago she went to class once then never went again. I need a girl who is trying to do something with their life like im trying to do not someone whos just gunna stay at home and do nothing. I told her that if she doesnt start making some kind of a goal and show me that shes tring to accieve it that our relationship will end. I just need some advice am i being reasonable, am i being too harsh, am i justified. Should i break up with her i just dont know what to do. I really do love her but i really dont want to waste more time on a relationship with a girl with no goals or plans in life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): yes you're justified and yes you're being reasonable. she has the right to be however she wants to be - driftless or whatnot. She may simply have a totally different philosophy to life than you, and that's not wrong, unless she is trying to get you to do things for her (like, pay bills) which are her own responsibility. Assuming that she's not infringing on you trying to take advantage of you, she has the right to be however she wants. But you also have the right to want someone who is not like that and who shares your philosophy of life.
I wouldn't pressure her that she "needs" to change to suit your tastes. If she is going to develop any ambitions or goals it has to be for herself, not for you. If she's doing it just for you not for herself, it will be a half-hearted attempt and she won't be happy, she will feel that you are trying to control her.
another way to look at it is that you should be with someone who you like and respect and accept as they are now, without needing them to make any major life changes. if you can't feel good about being with her unless she overhauls her life to be more like you, then she is not the one for you, at least not at this stage in time. who knows about the future if you meet again in the future and by then she or you have changed a lot it could work then but you can't count on that happening you can only go with the here and now.
A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (2 April 2012):
you might want to tell us how old your gf is
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 You don't sound like you really love her. It seems to me that you have this idea of how your perfect girlfriend ought to be and since she doesn't quite measure up, you're looking for an exit option. It's probably the best thing to do. She too needs to find someone who'll accept her for who she is and not push her. And you'll find your driven, ambitious ideal girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 You are 18-21. How old is she… “upgrade her English to a college prep level” tells me perhaps she’s younger than you? Or not well educated? What does she do with her day?
IF you feel she’s just coasting and that’s not enough for you then yes you should leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I don't think you and your GF have the same ideas and maybe even values. She is still "coasting" where as you are "preparing".
How does she pay her bills? Does her parents pay for everything? Or do you?
If having goals and some ambitions, hopes and dream for the future is important to you, she isn't the girl for you.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (2 April 2012):
You've answered you're own question - yes you should end it.
No you're not being harsh. You have discussed it with her but without any success.
It's good to see people wanting to achieve something in life and have drive.
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