A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This might seem like a strange question but here goes,I have been dating a man for nearly 7 months. I met his son more or less straight away. He is a gorgeous 10 year old boy who is polite, non-demanding, intelligent, quiet and just an all round lovely boy. I have always tried really hard to make him like me without being overbearing. And it comes naturally because he is just so lovely. My boyfriend has him every weekend and once in the week. Saturday night I went round to my boyfriend's and James his son came into the kitchen. I said "Hi James, are you ok?" and he just went "yep" and walked back out again. My boyfriend looked at him shocked. I felt really shaken as he had never behaved with me like that before. I then asked my boyfriend what was wrong and he doesn't like talking about anything and just said I was being stupid when I said I wonder if he resents me for being round here? This was working me up. We went upstairs to bed adn I was still worried about it and wanting to talk but my boyfriend was having none of it. I went to get my clothes on to go home and my boyfriend was like ok I will get your stuff as he was fed up of me on about it. As I was getting my stuff together, James came to me and said "where are you going Michelle? and I said home. Then I went back upstairs and my boyfriend and I were having a few cross words. Next thing James appeared in the doorway and said "Don't go home michelle, please stay" I was in tears at this point. The reason being is that I was on my period and feeling very sensitive. "My Dad does love you. He always tells me he misses you, don't you Dad?" that made me cry more. And my partner left the room. James came in and I said that I was hurt that he seemed as though he didn't want me there earlier and he was to let me know if I was taking up his time with his dad. (for the record I give them loads of time as I go out with my friends on weekends sometimes and they are always alone on the weeknight they see each other).Then James said "of course not. I want you here" and I said "I'm sorry" and he gave me a big hug which made me cry more. and he told me to promise I wouldn't go.I have fallen in love with this little guy, not in a romantic way obviously but I really care for him. Do you think he loves me too? My partner will not talk about stuff like this with me at all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Having read through all the replies and also male anomynous' reply in particular, I felt I had to respond.
Firstly, no insult intended, but I've never such drivvle in my life! How many kids in this world do you know only get close and receive love from those with “legal connections”. My own stepfather was a godsend. I am 38 years old now but still cherish the memories of having a kick about with him as a kid. My own father was my flesh and blood and I loved him but I also loved my stepfather. He and my mother parted ways ten years ago and I still consider him my family. If only there were more people who think like this instead of becoming involved with single parents and selfishly wanting the kids to disappear!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 OP I am sure he is fond of you.
and I know that it's hard to be in a mother role and not be mother... to have to set an example for a child that is not yours...
sounds to me like everything is going to be fine...
he has a good mom
he has a good dad
he has a good quasi-stepmom with you....
don't try to force it.
don't over think it..
and don't be overly sensitive...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Hi, I am the OP.
Thanks to the last couple of replies.
I shouldn't have shown such an emotional outburst in front of a child, I'll admit that and I will make sure it never happens again. I do feel guilty about that. I was just really hurt thinking that the boy didn't want me there and my emotions were working overtime.
I've got to admit, I am struggling to know what exactly my role is. I just try mainly to be a friend and let him have his own space with his father. But I do feel motherly towards him, I can't help it but I don't want to take the role of his mum or anything. I just feel warm towards him and hope he feels the same for me. For the sake of my relationship and also so that we can be a family further down the line.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 February 2013):
I also want to add that in my humble opinion there's no such thing as giving a kid too much attention. The notion that only the biological parents should dote on the child and that everyone else should keep their distance is something I see pop up here quite a lot and I honestly don't get it.
Sure, it's not ideal to have people walk in and out of a child's life, but what harm can positive attention do, even if turns out to be temporary? It's still positive attention. Think about it; we make friends and lose them. Our social lives change all the time. Why should a temporary girlfriend suddenly cripple a person? As long as the other parent (the dad in this case) is a constant in the boy's life it shouldn't be a problem. And let's be honest here: lots of people grow up in less than ideal situations. Some kids grow up with jerks for parents. Well, I'd pick the temporary girlfriend over that any day.
When I was a kid my dad was away for work a lot, to the point I hardly saw him. When I did see him he was tired and short with me. Until I was about 15 he believed that because he worked so hard he'd basically earned the right to mouth off and be an a-hole a lot of the time. My mom finally made him see the error in that logic by threatening to leave. In those years between my uncle popped in a lot of the time and gave me the attention I craved. Sure, he wasn't a boyfriend and my parents weren't divorced, but if I'm honest those details don't matter when you're a kid. What matters is having someone there who shows an interest in you in a positive way.
Just keep doing what you think feels right and keep communicating with your bf. If he avoids the subject, keep going until you get answers.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 February 2013):
OP, calm down.
I think the boy is taken with you and hopes that the relationship continues to work out. Like Janniepeg said, kids are very observant and they usually pick up on things. So if you know your period makes you more sensitive, try to anticipate that and reign in your emotions more, especially when it comes to crying. The boy was trying to diffuse the situation.
I also concur with her notion that he may have been taught not to interfere with 'adult business', so maybe that's why his behavior seemed awkward.
I think that the fact your boyfriend got you to meet his son and spend considerable amounts of time with him, introduced you to family members that are important to him means that the relationship is serious. See where it takes you and just do what feels right. If you think your role is too sketchy, talk to your bf about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): I am the op of this:
Quote: "........she is a ten-year-old's father's short-term transient sleepover guest."
For you information, I am not some short-term transient sleep over guest. His father is in love with me and we have future plans. We knew each other a year before becoming partners AND his father is not having transient sleep over guests, as you put it, in the first place!! I am the first woman he has had a relationship with since his ex-wife left him for another man SIX YEARS AGO!! The boy has wanted his Dad to find someone. The mother knows all about me - she drops the child off when I am there.
And seriously if I ever see anyone slagging another poster off for being resentful of their partner's kids again I will point them in the direction of this post, because it seems as an outsider, you just can't do right for doing wrong. Try to get to know the child and love them as if they are your own (as often given as advice to people who are jealous and resentful of their partner's kids here)and you are overstepping the mark. Not spend anytime with them and be distant from them and then you are not embracing your partner and his child as a package deal. Seriously people???
You've made it sound like I have done something really horrible to the boy!! Almost like it is dirty and sordid to have love for your partner's child!! Some bonds are built faster than others, especially if the two personalities work well. I only wish my own stepmother had felt this way about me!!
As for ".....and she has no right to inject herself into a child's life without the co-parent's knowledge and consent or otherwise put the kid in a position of thinking he's stuck in the middle." again who said no-one knew anything about it???????? I have met all of his family, including his Dad, brother, cousins etc. The ex KNOWS about us. She has no problems. My partner is still keeping the consistency with picking his son up and spending time with him alone! he just now has a female around too.
Honestly I agree with one of the other posters, it sounds to me like there is some bitterness and jealousy being spoken here. Perhaps your own child has a potential step parent and you just cannot bear the thoughts of them getting close to anyone else??? If that's so WAKE UP - these kinds of situations are more common than intact families nowadays and children are better if they have more people to love them and guide them in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): "You really need to back off from being a part of an unrelated child's daily life. Boyfriend made a huge mistake in bringing you into his son's life,"So it's a mistake to bring a caring and supportive person into a child's life? It would be far better to deprive the child of care and support that is available? If the only people who should be involved in a child's life are the biological parents, then the kid is going to grow up to have some seriously stunted social skills from having meaningful interaction with only 2 adults. And who is to say that the biological parents have all the necessary qualities to impart to a child and that no one else has any good qualities to pass on to the kid? What if the mom or dad has some really bad flaws in their personality (such as a bad temper, or being overly critical of the child), that could be off set in damage if the kid has the opportunity to see that not all adults are like his parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): You're being way too emotional about this and making a problem out of nothing and confusing everyone in the house. The kid is 10 for goodness sake. You shouldn't be expecting huge displays of affection from a 10 year old. you also shouldn't be bawling your eyes out for no reason in front of the kid. That makes him think you're not a stable authority figure so he won't think of you as a parental figure. "James came in and I said that I was hurt that he seemed as though he didn't want me there earlier and he was to let me know if I was taking up his time with his dad. "I think you shouldn't have done this. You are making this poor kid be responsible for YOUR feelings and YOUR crying. You probably upset him a lot. You need to be the grown up here and be the stronger one emotionally.I disagree with the male anon poster who says "Children of divorce or separation need as much consistency and stability in their lives, and the only adults who should be actively involved in a child's life are his parents"Um, so that means that if your child happens to really like his school teacher, or his nanny, it's a disaster because those people are not family members and are transient in the kid's life? So this means that teachers and nannies should NOT form bonds with the kids they care for, because the last thing a kid needs is a loving and caring maternal figure who is not family? How ridiculous. This attitude seems born purely out of spite for divorced people or their new partners but being veiled as concern for the children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Previous anon male, childless and never married, responding to anon female:"At least this lady is building a bond."A short-term boyfriend of seven months' duration does not qualify as a "the one she loves." Given the potential that a break up could cause her to disappear from the kid's life in an instant with no prior notice, her ingratiating herself into an unrelated child's life could cause more harm than good, and should the father and OP split the kid will probably blame himself."Come one how many twisted jealous step parents and jealous girlfriends we have on here saying that these people should try to build a bond and if they loved their partner, they'd love the kid as their own?? Eh?? What happened to that and now this lady is getting a thrashing coz she is doing exactly that!!"If a new boy/girlfriend truly loves a single parent, then s/he should respect that from a child's POV, his parents are still his family whether or not they live together and therefore bf/gf should not overstep boundaries for the child's sake. A kid is under no obligation to form any attachment or bond with an unrelated legal stranger simply because that person happens to sleep in Mommy or Daddy's bed. He should not be put in a position where he thinks he has to choose sides between his mother and father or his mother and father's girlfriend, nor should he be put in a position of where he thinks it's up to him to keep peace when his parents have potentially conflicting viewpoints. OP has said nothing about where the mother stands in all this, and she has no right to inject herself into a child's life without the co-parent's knowledge and consent or otherwise put the kid in a position of thinking he's stuck in the middle. "OP u have done yourself proud. This little boy clearly looks up to you and that is a good start to these kind of family dynamics"Problem is OP is not anything approaching "family" at this time, she is a ten-year-old's father's short-term transient sleepover guest. To imply anything more at this point is harmful and confusing. The kid has a full-time mother and full-time father, his parents' acquaintances don't need to be ingratiating themselves into his life as pseudo-family, especially when lacking any legal relationship to the parent with whom they're sleeping. I respectfully suggest that OP may be projecting her own step-mother wannabe fantasies onto a ten-year-old who is incapable of processing the dynamics of a single parent's sexual relationship with a previous stranger, reading too much into a child's mind for the purposes of validating her own place in boyfriend's life. As stated before, kids of divorce have enough trauma and instability in their lives so they don't need a succession of Mom and Dad's bfs/gfs of the moment parading through their lives and then disappearing without notice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): I'm sorry but you guys sound very bitter, as though you are probably mums/dads yourselves. At least this lady is building a bond and intrigating herself into the one she loves life. Come one how many twisted jealous step parents and jealous girlfriends we have on here saying that these people should try to build a bond and if they loved their partner, they'd love the kid as their own?? Eh?? What happened to that and now this lady is getting a thrashing coz she is doing exactly that!! OP u have done yourself proud. This little boy clearly looks up to you and that is a good start to these kind of family dynamics
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
Gawd you are so over thinking this.
do you want a ten year old boy to fawn all over you?
he's a ten year old boy.. the fact that he acknowledges you is awesome.
so he didn't do what you wanted/expected and you got your things to go home... so they would what' beg you to stay???
what what the true point of going home????
the child does not have to love you
he has to respect you as his father's partner nothing more nothing less. to demand more of him is unfair.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): "Do you think he loves me too?"No, he's confused. To him you're the random female stranger who is sleeping with his father, who should have been smart enough to keep his responsibilies as a parent separate from his love life. Children of divorce or separation need as much consistency and stability in their lives, and the only adults who should be actively involved in a child's life are his parents. The last thing your boyfriend's son needs is to witness a succession of "aunts" and "uncles" traipsing in and out of his parents' lives and bedrooms.If you have your own place, then it's astonishing that your boyfriend would even consider having you spend the night when he has his son. What a terrible example to set for a 10-year-old boy, can only hope your boyfriend's son doesn't follow his father's lead by making him the a grandfather of a child of teen parents in a few short years. At this time you're are involved in a short-term relationship that could end at any time, and you have become inappropriately emotionally invested in a child to whom you have no legal relationship, whose mother remains a full-time presence in his life and who could disappear from your life in an instant should you and his father break up. What does his mother think about her child's father to sleep under the same roof with a woman Mom presumably hasn't met? Does she even know? You really need to back off from being a part of an unrelated child's daily life. Boyfriend made a huge mistake in bringing you into his son's life, and now you're beginning to act like a maybe baby mama. The kid's been through enough with his home being broken up when his parents split, don't compound the trauma and confusion.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I think he likes you. He left the kitchen because he wanted you and your boyfriend to have a good time. It was not because he was upset that you took away dad and son bonding time. You had your period so you were extra sensitive. It's so beautiful that genuine emotions were exchanged, considering you have only dated 7 months.
When I read the post it confirms my belief that we can't undermind children's intelligence. They see everything and can become the glue when adults don't feel open enough to talk.
Still, he does not know how to behave around you two. Maybe someone had told him that as a child he should not interfere with "adult business." It's important that you get privacy time but when you want him to be included you should definitely tell him. The tension between the three people will be there. At least the boy likes you enough and has empathy for you. I don't know if you will ever come to the step parent part, but this boy is definitely adorable to start with.
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