A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,This is not a relationship problem, rather a freindship related problem. Your views would be much appreciated. Not too long ago I gave up alcohol for good for various reasons, such as I used to binge drink, drink to drown my sorrows, drink when I felt shy, drink when I had relationship problems,and was miserble and got sick of it all. I nearly hit rock bottom and lost my job, not even taking into account all the health related problems which were starting to hit me. I finally realised I had a serious problem, and took the action to give up completley. My life is much better without it which is great!! but another 'problem' has reared it's ugly head as a result of it. I have freinds , many of whom are quite heavy drinkers. One in particular who I also happen to work with who is in my estimation well on her way to alcholism, and I am not being judgemental saying that. We used to drink together regularly, and everywhere we picked to go involved drinking. Now thats changed , I am struggling , as she is being very irritable with me, and told me that I could drink in moderation. I explained to her that I have been worried about my health, the effect it has on me, and the fact that I actully have chosen not to drink again ever, and she is being funny with me. It is her birthday very soon, and I commited to going out with her, whic I wil do, but I won;t be drinking, and we have also booked tickets for something soon, and she wants to go early so we can go to a bar first. I knew she wouldt take it well, but I am feeling quite uncomfortable, as I feelit may be akward, but there is no way I am going to go back to it for her sake, or anyone elses for that matter. I was told this would/ my happen and am unsure of how to deal with it? eg: when we go to the bar, I will naturally be tired by a certain time and want to go home, she will want to continue drinking until her early hours like we used to do. I won't be doing that. I also happen to work with her, so it;s not going to be easy. I have quite a few other social occassions coming up with other freinds and family, and am concerned about how this will / may effect the the relationships I have. I know that some may say that if they are true freinds they wil respect my decision, but in the meantime, I am struggling to cope with the slightly surprising response to it. Thanks xx
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (25 January 2014):
'I have a feeling she would like to see me fall back down that hole, as it will make her feel better.'You are exactly right about this. Sadly, many people deliberately try to sabotage a friends decision to stay sober or their new diet and exercise regime or whatever it may be, because if others are behaving the same way as them, they don't have to feel guilty about not making positive life changes themselves. Your decision to stop drinking has shone the spotlight directly on her drinking habits and she's obviously not willing to accept it yet. So she thinks if she gets you to drink again then it must be 'the norm' and therefore not a problem.As others have already said, all you can do is stick to your guns. This is her problem, not yours, and if she can't learn to accept a sober version of your friendship then she doesn't deserve it at all.All the best to you and keep up the fantastic work, you should be really proud of yourself :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, Thanks so much for your kind and inspiring answers. Yes, I shall stick to my guns no matter how uncomfortable it gets. In answer too the reader who asked How did I do it? I done it with the Allen Carr ' easy way to control alcohol book'. and use that as my support by reading and referring back to it regularly.It's quite disappointing to find out that she was just a drinking buddy, and I think the next two outings eg: the birthday and the prebooked trip out next week are going to be horrid in some ways. I suspect she will fall by the wayside eventually. I have noticed just HOW much she is addicted and it frightens me. Her whole life revolves around what time she can start drinking. I was like that , but not any more. I cannot get out of my other social commitments over the next week or more, so I am s'eeing it as a learning curve. I am pleased since I have stopped, and whats interesting is that many new opportunities have opened up in my life since I HAVE stopped. Things that I have been wanting to pursue for years, but been too drunk or hungover to do so, are now appearing , and I am grabbing them with both (sober) hands. I can see a few difficult weeks as far as she is concerned looming ahead. eg: before we go to the theatre next week, she wants to meet in the afternoon to go to a bar. The show does;t start until 7.30pm. She wants to meet at 3.00pm.. Oh dear!! So I told her I will not be drinking ( nicely) and she kind of smirked. I have a feeling she would like to see me fall back down that hole, as it will make her feel better. I am nervous about the outings not of drinking. but of the whole horror of watching her get wrecked while I have soft drinks, but what will be will be, and if I need to leave early because she is pressuring me so be it. I think , yes, I will change my activities once I see this out. xx
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (24 January 2014):
 People who drink too much and then stop often lose a lot of their so-called friends. It's happened to me and it's happened to many people I know. People have bought me alcohol when I've asked for a soft drink, "for a laugh". Even people I used to drink very heavily with who genuinely are good friends don't understand why I chose to stop. It's such a massive and unfortunate part of British culture.
You're doing what you're doing for a good reason and it's commendable. This woman is not a real friend. A real friend would want you to be happy and support you in improving your health. Your "friend" is bitter and wants to destroy your hard work, basically. You're doing what she is probably unable to do.
You'll probably find that now that you're not drinking, most of the friends you used to drink with will end up falling away from your life. That's just how it is. You'll start to see each other differently. You won't want to hang around drunk people anymore. I know it's a difficult situation for you with this particular woman because you work together but you need to distance yourself from her, too. Politely say no every time she invites you. She'll either confront you, in which case you can calmly explain one more time that you are not going to drink and she can like it or lump it, or she will simply tire of you and find another drinking buddy.
It will all work itself out eventually. Just stick to your guns and focus on making your own life good and staying healthy and sober. You won't look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Congratulations! you have brightened my day, after work nursing today most patients were suffering from severe alcohol related disease, so sad especially when you know one personally. You have achieved such a feat within your life by taking BACK your life and future freedom and health.Regarding your friend, remember she is still in the trap as such and although pleased for you maybe a little jealous.You are strong because you are putting yourself in a testing SITUATION ,surrounded by the social ritual of alcohol and birthday parties etc. I think this can be viewed as a show of your self control and FACING THE DEMON rather than hiding away from it. You may decide you are not quite ready to risk this just yet (no shame here)we are talking about YOUR LIFE. If you do go, be PREPARED to be a little taunted (by drinking friends) and tempted left right and center ( go on it's my birthday just have the one) you must not bend to this request.If you need to cut your ties completely (feel no guilt) explain you are IN RECOVERY and need time out from OLD RITUALS and ask her to respect this ( if she is a true friend she will JOIN YOU!)or accept the new you. If not GOODBYE is needed.My partner is a recovering alcoholic who was at deaths door(he took it as far as anyone could)his life was nearly over but is now new. He had all these old rituals he had to overcome which were very difficult, xmas, birthdays, after works,holidays the list is endless but he did it and so can you. Some friends stayed and some went and sadly I nursed one today on deaths door. You don't need to know this, you already do however you are stopping it before the damage is already done and permanent. WELL DONE and good look with your new life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): People who quit drinking have been known to lose their marraige partners when they sober up because drinking was the only thing they had in common. There won't be much you can do if this is the case with you and her. I say quit drinking and let the chips fall where they will.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 Congratulations on a very positive life-style change. It can't be easy. I hope you're getting good support -- perhaps from an AA sponsor?
What you're discovering is how central drinking was to your socializing. The fact that your 'friend' would discourage you from abstinence is a big flag. You were a drinking buddy. Now that you're sticking to club soda you are no longer meeting her needs. She may not see it that way, may not consider herself a bad friend, but I'm afraid you'll discover that you two had less in common than you had thought.
Your vow to stay away from alcohol is commendable, but I have to think you'll find it easier if you're not around drinkers and hitting bars with them. It might be time to start backing away from your old drinking buddies and find people with a similarly healthy mindset to spend time with.
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