A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do men cheat?? Ive had thought my partner of 4 yrs was cheating on me ... in November he moved away 50miles to work saying he qohld come bk every weekend. Well he sumtimes came bk bit also only for a day or one nite ans half the day I kept asking if he had sumone else which his reply was no if dont u think of I had sumone else I would tell u... well i kinda no hes with sumone else as friends of his has told me infact they have said im much better and njcer then she is. But he wont ever admit it to me even tho have asked him many times :( Why do they cheat tho ? Is it because they arnt getting enought with there gf. There board or just having fun thinking they can get away with it whem in fact it leavea us all hurt etc ?Or r we just not good enough for them ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (27 January 2014):
Back to confusing basic drives versus mitigating consequences of satisfying them.Just because we have a need to eat doesn't by necessity imply we should endanger our freedom by stealing to satisfy it, especially when food (at least in developed countries) is so easily obtained with much lesser consequences. That said, I think the most ethical amongst us would steal food before they let themselves starve to death. Indeed, part of evolutionary theory indicates that getting food with the least negative consequences is the best course of action.Once again, none of the above obviates the fact that there is an innate drive to eat, and that drive comes from our evolutionary past. (Organisms with no drive to rejuvenate themselves are typically not very successful....)
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 January 2014):
 You're biological need to eat takes priority over your urge to procreate but I'm sure you don't go about stealing food from the grocery store.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (27 January 2014):
Ok - if we go right to your second to last paragraph, you would notice on this we are in complete agreement, ie, the part regarding free will. If you recall my original post -
"men cheat when their evolutionary drive to spread their seed to as many women as possible overrides their moral/ethical obligation to their partners."
With this, you can see I agree that despite what antiquated evolutionary drives men are dealing with, at no time have I stated that they do not have free will to act otherwise, nor have I used evolution as a dispensation to absolve them of any such transgression.
That said, none of this obviates the fact that these drives do exist, and where they came from. Regarding the case of scientists falsifying data, given the speed and scope of dissemination of scientific information these days, I find a world-wide conspiracy of scientists relative to this topic to be beyond remote. Adding to the fact the large number of female scientists working today that would also have to either play a part in the conspiracy, or at least be kept completely oblivious to it, only makes the extremely remote that much closer to practically impossible.
In the end, biological evolution simply and elegantly explains SO many of our current drives and tendencies, and I find attempts to object to it are usually founded in social inconvenience rather than logic or science. Whenever I ask said objectors for a better theory that explains our current tendencies, without exception those theories are easy carved up by Occams Razor like a Thanksgiving turkey....
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (27 January 2014):
I’ve confused nothing. I've simply noted that throughout history there has been an uncanny similarity between dominant male preference and 'scientific fact’.
Do I think these scientists consciously and deliberately falsify data to satisfy a personal or sinister agenda? Generally no, but it has been known to happen. Those studying some aspect of humanity can hardly be called objective when they're studying it from inside the petri dish, they have a vested interest in the outcome and their findings consistently favour the dominant group to which they themselves belong, no matter how well intentioned they may be.
The scientific community once thought homosexuality was an illness, but today they don’t. What changed? The nature of homosexuality or the views of those studying it? Years ago some scientists believed that blacks lacked intelligence and that nature had hard wired them to serve as slaves. Who conducted these studies? Black scientists? I don’t think so. And what were those conclusions based on? Could the enormous benefits of black enslavement to the white community have had any influence on white scientists’ interpretation of those ‘facts’?
It was you who cited the evolutionary drive to spread seed as THE CAUSE of male infidelity. This is as scientific as women using PMS as an excuse to lash out at others (another 'scientific' myth I don't subscribe to).
Whatever our gender, whatever our intellect, our station in life, our culture or our upbringing at the end of the day we all have free will.
If that makes me idiotic or sexist, so be it.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 January 2014):
You're confusing steps taken to mitigate consequences with the actual drive to do an action in the first place.
As a sidebar, the conjecture that consensus of male scientists are bastardizing their research so they can justify their morals is well....I think "silly' is the nicest way I can put it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 January 2014):
The facts don't support the 'scientific' explanation.
Men who wear condoms or pressure their pregnant mistresses to have an abortion are definitely not trying to perpetuate the species. And let's not forget that a lot of these men are sneaking about with women who are past their prime childbearing years. And what of men who carry on online affairs? The only place they're spreading their seed is to the towel in their lap.
The male dominated scientific establishment likes this theory because it's comfy. It mitigates their infidelity and implies that while those men may be immoral, at least they're acting in accordance with nature, as opposed to women who cheat purely for selfish and unnatural reasons.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): Why do men cheat? Same reason women cheat, because they can, the excuse is the only thing that changes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): I personally think it is because they do not have concern for anyone in the relationship besides their self. Aside from being weak and easy to give into a person coming on strongly (something females tend to do), guys cheat because the whole excuse that they are programmed to spread their seed. I don't agree with it, in fact I think it is an evolved excuse for men wanting to have sex with females without the hassle of commitment. Yes, all females have their baggage, just as guys do too, but if a guy doesn't know the girl that well, then the baggage isn't a factor when having sex with her. Or perhaps he is getting to know her, but because it is so fresh in a the relationship, it's not a burden to him as of yet. Of course, a lot of these kind of guys still keep their relationship with the "main chick" because they still have the need and desire to feel loved and connected to someone, but in the end, they really just care about getting a rush from females and will eventually cheat on anyone they end up with. To be with someone and stay committed takes effort. But to sleep around doesn't really have any negative consequences for a guy if he can get away with it. The part where they demand hard proof before they will admit to anything is where you should be concerned the most. Females tend to like the effort it takes to make a relationship work; we see it as a chance to grow even as individuals, and until they have as much proof as it takes to get a guy to admit to cheating (practically having it on video for hardcore liars), she will hold on to her invested love. A guy who lies about it, not only abuses that trait in his woman, but also isn't sorry, as making a change means accepting full responsibility for their actions and going through the process of rebuilding trust, understanding that it doesn't come free after such a screw-up.
I have a theory that the best things you can do for such a guy is either make him go threw the hell you'll end up putting him through trying to rebuild trust with him if he's willing to make it right, play him back and show him how it feels assuming he cares enough to be hurt (though I don't recommend you stepping out of your character and sleeping around over him having lacked his own morals) or leaving him so he can see that cheating results in losing something special. As of right now though, there are no consequences to his actions other than you making yourself out to be a nag if you keep asking about it and he keeps denying it. Guys cheat because they can get away with it in most cases.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 January 2014):
To try to put it scientifically, men cheat when their evolutionary drive to spread their seed to as many women as possible overrides their moral/ethical obligation to their partners.
Also, disagree with the notion that men cheat for the same reason as women, as most current data does not support this notion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): If a guy is married, or in a committed relationship; his partner won't usually give him permission to have sex with other people; because he bored with her. So he will cheat.
Some guys like to do really weird sexual stuff that they don't want to do with their wives and girlfriends. So they find some freak who will. He may have asked and got turned down by his mate; or he really wouldn't want to do something like that to somebody he really loved and respected. It might be something painful and disgusting.
He may be hiding his true sexual-orientation. He may be attracted to both men and women. If he's hiding in the closet, he'll cheat to give himself permission to do whatever he wants, without being judged; or losing someone he cares about.
If he has a wife or girlfriend who is totally white-bread and vanilla in the bedroom, and he's into scary freaky stuff. His freaky side is going to take-over sooner or later.
If you use sex as weapon by holding out, tease but refuse to please, insist on only one position, have bad hygiene, get grossly overweight; or just don't show any interest in him sexually. He's going to creep and find it somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): The same reason women cheat! A cheat is a cheat! neither described as man or woman.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 January 2014):
I don't think saying "it's nothing you did" is always correct. Usually it has nothing to do with you, but people will cheat if they feel unloved, lonely, if you don't sleep with them often enough, etc. There are plenty of things that can drive someone to cheat.
HOWEVER, if you think you've been a good and loving girlfriend then you're probably right. In that case he's just a cheater. A lot of that had to do with evolution... It's only very recently that humans have become monogamous. Previously we'd live in small groups and a number of men were potentially the father of any baby and so they'd all, to a lesser extent than now, take care of any child that was born.
Even if you were guilty of doing something that drove him to cheat, you're still not completely at fault. First of all, a good man would communicate well enough for you to remedy the situation. Also, if you were truly with the right person your issues still wouldn't encourage cheating.
Think of cheating as a sign of incompatibility. There's nothing wrong with you, most likely there's just a compatibility issue between the two of you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 January 2014):
 Whatever you do, don't blame yourself because he is cheating. People cheat for all kinds of reasons but do not think its your fault. There are people that just cheat because they can and have no remorse, or regret. Its just a sad fact of life that some people dont care about others feelings.
Look at some famous women that were cheated on...Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock. I think they are all beautiful and seem to be very nice. Men cheated on them??? Why?? Who knows???
Are you going to take care of yourself and respect yourself and get away from this man? Don't let him think badly of yourself. Walk away with your head held high. He doesn't deserve you. That's the way that it is. Believe in your self worth. *HUGS*
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2014):
 The one thing YOU have to know is that he is not cheating because of something YOU did or did not do. HIS bad behavior is NOT a reflection on YOU.
I think so many times folks come here to make sure they did nothing wrong. Folks who are going to cheat will cheat on perfect people as easily as imperfect people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Men cheat for the very same reasons women cheat.
All of the reasons you mention are true.
Some cheat, because they like getting away with something without getting caught. They get a thrill out of having a number of different partners, and having access among them; without anyone knowing about each other. Secretly they do want to get caught, and sometimes leave clues.
Some guys come from a long line of cheating people in their families. It's the norm, and they were never taught to care how it would affect their relationships. They don't believe in commitment and monogamy. They have to go along with it; because that's what their chosen mate wants.
Some don't see anything wrong with it, as long as they don't get caught. It's not a crime unless they are caught, tried, and convicted.
Some guys are narcissists. They get a thrill out of the pain and suffering they cause by doing it. They get a rush or narcissistic supply to feel attracted to different people at the same time. It makes them feel above everyone and beyond any restrictions imposed upon them. They feel they have a right to walk all over the feelings of others and have whomever they choose.
Some are spineless and sneaky. They like hiding dirty secrets and tricking women. They feel it makes them a big stud, and it feeds their ego that more than one woman is at his disposal at a time, and keeping them away from each other assures it to continue uninterrupted.
Sex addicts out of control.
Morally bankrupt guys who think the world is their oyster and they can steal as many pearls as they like.
Most of time, the women they are cheating with are 100% aware that he's cheating; and they don't care.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 January 2014):
Do you remember that feeling you had when you were first dating? The risk, the excitement and the escape from the mundane? Well, he wants to have that feeling again and there is nothing new and exciting about someone you've known and paid bills with for four years.
There is no ONE reason why men and women cheat. Often times, it's because they aren't good enough for us.
I don't think there is any point in trying to talk to him about this or asking him any more questions. His behaviour, your suspicions and the fact that those suspicions have been confirmed by others is enough for you to make your own decision.
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A
female
reader, Viktobi  +, writes (24 January 2014):
Hi,
Temptation, Lack of self control, distance, self esteem issues, boredom, alcohol, drugs etc....there are so many reasons.
People cheat for different reasons it happens....
What you should really ask yourself is, now that you have proof that he is cheating....do you want to accept this and stay with him or move on with your life?
Please don't ever think that you are not good enough for someone. if they think you are not good enough for them then move on. You are too amazing to be thinking that way and clearly there are many men out there who would disagree and appreciate you for who you are.
Take care and good luck
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