A
male
age
36-40,
*egD432
writes:This is hard to share. I met the love of my life (I'll call her Jane) in High School. It sounds typical, but it's true. We dated for three years, and it was love from the very first moment. Those three years were the best of my life. The feelings were mutual no doubt. We both shared a connection I've never had with anyone else since, or ever will again I assume. After graduation, I joined the Air Force, and we did the best we could (she was a year behind me). As I progressed through my training and tech school, I found myself pushing her away for some reason. I'm not sure why I did, but I did. I was still madly in love with her, but the stress of my life, and the things I was doing, made it to where i could not give her the attention she deserved, and in what was the hardest moment of my life, I called it off for very selfish reasons. Almost two years went by, and I finally ended up at a duty station where I had time to try and build a life. I returned home to try and win her back, but what I didn't realize is how much I had hurt her. She had tried to move on and was with somebody at that time. We talked, and I was heartbroken, and so was she. I left home that day, and would not speak with her for another three years. During that three years, I went into a really bad spiral of bad behavior. I felt betrayed, and did a lot of terrible things I now regret. In the end, I rushed into a marriage thinking it would help solve my issues.During first year of marriage, Jane called me in an attempt to reach out. She was in a bad situation, but I lashed out at her terribly. I felt betrayed, and really put her down. We didn't speak after that for another four years. During those four years, I was pretty good in my current marriage. We were not truly in love by any means, but we do have a comfortable life. I ended up getting orders to serve a tour in Afghanistan of seven months. During month four of that tour, I was in an helicopter accident, and was in a medically educed coma for three days. I don't remember much, but what I do know, is images of Jane and all the time we spent together kept surfacing. I came out of that coma knowing I had to recontact her, and I needed to share my side of what happened, and why I did what I did. I tried from Afghanistan quite a bit, but failed because she had changed numbers and didn't have any kind of online presence I could find. I eventually made it home, and got a medical discharge from the Military due to my injures. During that whole time i could not stop thinking about her. I would try to find her off and on, but it seemed the further I got away from my accident, the more scared I got to attempt to contact her again. Another year and a half went by, and finally a few days ago, I couldn't stand it anymore. I had been having dream after dream of her for a long long time, and I decided to try again. This time I had success. I was able to get into contact with her. All she really asked me was why, and I told her my story. I didn't leave out one single detail. Turns out she waited for me a long time, and tried to rekindle with that phone call I shoved her away on. After that she ended up getting married, and now has two children. Sadly, we have both re-found our spark. We both know how in love with each other we are, and always have been (time and circumstance kept was apart), but we are both married and not sure really how to proceed. This isn't a "new love" desire that's drawing me away from my current wife, but one that I've always had, and never got closure on. I know Jane is the love of my life, because when I was near death, she was all I could think about. She has told me how madly in love she still is with me. We are both at a loss on what to do. We live in separate states as well. We talk for hours and hours, and in the last few days I've gotten to tell her secrets I've had for years. Its been such a relief. It's like we never separated when we talk. I can tell her anything, and she does can to me too. We both shared deep secretes neither of of us have even told our spouses. How should we proceed?
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discharge, heartbroken, military, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
 The first thing you both must do if you truly want to be together is end your marriages.
THEN you can be together. It's really a no brainer if you both feel this way.
If you say you can't break up "happy homes" well then you must both cease contact with each other. you are playing a dangerous game and both are currently emotionally cheating on your respective spouses.
There is only ONE way I would condone you two staying in touch while remaining married to other partners and that's to be perfectly honest with your respective spouses about what's going on.
You need to break your current wife's heart and tell her you never really loved her and you need to have contact with Jane. And she must tell her husband and the father of her children (that she will be forever tied to because of these kids) that she married him to help get over you and you are her one true love and she will have contact with you.
It will go one of two ways... one or both injured spouses may leave.... or they may say "ok carry on while we pretend everything is ok" or they may beg to try to fix the broken marriage.
EITHER way you do this someone is going to hurt
harmed spouses may be hurt (or may be relieved to be getting out of what they know is a sham marriage)
or Jane may opt to stay with her spouse due to children and properly cut contact with you (you will hurt and so will she but sometimes adults make choices that hurt)
and your wife may leave anyway....
lots of risks involved here.
but there is no way I will condone you and Jane staying in touch without telling the spouses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Well it sounds like you know what you want to do and that is to to be with her but the question is not how you should proceed but what she is going to do, she has 2 children to think of and her running off you is going to effect them immensely, she can't be selfish lk you and just leave her husband no matter how in love with you she is she's got to think what's best for her children, I think you need to talk to her and find out what she's going to do.
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A
female
reader, Faded Lights  +, writes (21 April 2013):
I don't believe you will ever truly have happiness in either of your marriages again. You are both madly in love and I think it is unfair to both your spouses if you can't full commit to them. Maybe its just because I'm really young and can't yet understand the commitment you have with your wife but I still think that you know who you need and have to follow that instinct. If my husband loved anther woman I wouldn't want him to stay with me. So try and think of it if you and your wife's places were swapped, what would you suggest she do? Also, I don't think the issue of having children involved changes anything much because as long as both parents are committed to and love their children, even if separated, thats all that really matters.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Your story made me tear up - it is semi-sweet and at least you are honest now with what you want - as you mentioned you both "know" the love for each other is there.I would have to point out at this point you definately emotionally attached to your Jane - you are already having an emotional affair with her. Your feelings, as you are talking to her, and telling her your secrets (which are all the things you should primarily do with your spouse) i believe this question was written to validate yourself and people may respond and say go on get divorces and be together.Other people may say - you are already in a marriage and need to nourish that relationship.However i truly believe we all have a strong sense of intuition and your intuition already brought you back to that one true love - i saw follow your heart and be happy :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 April 2013):
 I am a person who doesn't believe in soul mates, but I do believe you have to be in love with the person you marry in order for your mind to not think about anyone else. She has two children, so she has to consider if it's worth it to break up the whole family for her to find true love again. There is nothing both of you can do until you get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Break up your marriages and get together with Jane. There's not a lot else you can do. I feel sorry for your wife but if you were my husband, pining your whole life for your true love, I would rather you left.
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