A
female
age
30-35,
*ustomi
writes:This is going to be a little long, but do stay put and offer a way to get through this mess I'm in:This is about a 40 year old guy we used to have in our last semester. He was, first of all, a GREAT, and I do mean GREAT---academic genius. However, he belongs to the category of what one might call "socially inept", i.e., has a general demeanor to rub people up the wrong way. He used to say stuff like, "Like it or not, education should logically only be pursued by those that can afford to pay for it". In addition, he was unduly harsh and over-meticulous while evaluating our paper. And he was VERY FRIENDLY with people who tried to get acquainted with him on a personal level or showed interest in his discipline, which again sowed seeds of suspection of favouritism.Anyway, all of the above thrown together stirred up a potboiler of resentment against him which led to an official complaint being registered against him with the Dean. A huge struggle followed between the students and the Authorities, and a lot of deliberations later, it was decided that he would be allowed to carry on with the teaching, but won't be preparing our question papers or checking our answer sheets in that semester. We were all happy and felt vindicated in our victory, including me.However, there was one distinctly unflattering deed that we committed during our movement. It so happened that this professor was of a very upfront and frank nature whilst discussing aspects of social history with us, and had, on one or two occassions, talked about the nature of pornographic content that used to be in vogue in pre-Revolutionary France, which was a little disarming sometimes, but by no means "Offending" or "Inappropriate". So---the guy who was leading the movement suggested that we incorporate the clause of "SEXUAL HARRASSMENT" against him, since it'd quicken the process of getting rid of him. We were baffled initially, but he and a couple of friends managed to convince us that it was to be only a complaint against his pornographic talks in class, although it wasn't 'offending' in any way. Anyway, we were undergoing a mob phase, and we agreed to sign the clause allegingsexual harrassment.Much, much later, after we'd won and everything was settled in our favour, did I begin to have second thoughts about our deed. Gradually, it dawned that we had, in the heat of everything, ended up making the unforgivable allegation of SEX-UAL HARRASSMENT against an innocent man!!! Even though none of us had intended to imply it in a sinister way( yeah, sounds ultra-retarded) it did amount to direct character assassination. I also began to put things in HIS perspective by then, and realized that a lot of what he'd said or done in class might not be the way we'd interpreted them to, and he might've NOT intended some of those in an offensive sense.I dwelled on this matter increasingly as time went, and the realization of our folly drove deeper. I felt TERRIBLE. Driven by guilt on my part in the whole thing, I wrote an anonymous e-mail letting out my anguished thoughts and apologized. He gave a short reply pointing out my cowardice in withholding my name. I felt even worse.I learned that he'd to undergo the proceeding of an Enquiry Commission against him, and all the hassles and above all, the sheer embarrassment of that Charge, drove him to a LOT OF grief. He'd even reportedly ----BROKEN DOWN before a close group of students. I was stunned to learn the last bit of information. Apparently, the "Image of unbending smug" was NOT as stone-cold as we'd popularly assumed. Fortunately, he got cleared of all charges.I want to get close to him, not only to apologize, but also have a heart-to-heart conversation with him on his life, goals an interests, and what causes him to put up that "aggressive" mask all the while. I just want to cultivate him badly.-he still seems to be intensely aggrieved with our class, as in, he told a friend of mine in a casual chat that he won't like to see our faces again. Sob!Is there any way to become friends with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): You asked for assistance for an issue to achieve a desired result. When I provided you with commentary based on the 'facts' you chose to provide as well as the best course of action to achieve what you wanted, you tell me I shouldn't comment when I don't have all the facts.By that logic, I shouldn't have wasted my time on providing you with an answer at all because there is quite a bit more to your whole scenario than what sparse info you chose to provide.Until you seek out counseling for your inability to properly handle rejection, you will continue to experience anxiety, guilt, and shame from your actions.Finally, stop arguing with people just for the sake of having an argument. You seem to want to always be right, even when offering conflicting viewpoints. Do you feel your brain is your best feature? If so, I understand that, but you can't seem intelligent when you don't even know which side of an argument you are on.And...why couldn't your school's library provide the reading materials?Why couldn't one of the more privileged students arrange to allow the poorer students to borrow his or her copy to take notes? Is it not possible that this discriminatory (and selfish) behavior was not just a fault of your teacher's, but extends to your classmates (and possibly you yourself)?Please, go ahead and contact your teacher again. When he realizes you are stalking him, you won't have to experience the stress or injustice of a college education any longer.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 First things first. The aunts here are not present to pander to your ego, and whatever they tell you is just because they are taking time out to help you. There is no need for you to react like this and hit out against those who have tried to offer advice. By the way, its bad manners to lash out against those who have tried to help you.The least you can do is offer a word of thanks. This is not the first time that you have come to this site and not followed advice.
You are obsessed with this teacher in more ways than one. Deal with that first rather than looking for ways to befriend him,which by the way, is what your main concern is about, at the end of your long post.
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A
female
reader, Rustomi +, writes (24 September 2011):
Rustomi is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ people who've asked me to redact our complaint:
For your knowledge, I guess I've to tell you that it wasn't *me* who did this single-handedly, or that it wasn't my idea. Frankly to speak, what we did as rotten to say the LEAST, and I won't justify it in any way, but, BUT----its a fact that none of us (the ones who signed) were REALLY thinking of "tarnishing" his reputation, we weren't *in OUR SENSES* as I mentioned here, and we didn't really think that it'd be interpreted in that way..ie. he *molested" his students. Trust me, we just thought, or rather, was made to think in the way that this (sexual harassment on account of pornography) would just be an additional charge in addition to the main complaints about his behavior (saying poorer students did not deserve to get educated and taunting blind students) we had submitted. We didn't think of the exact implications of the term "Sexual Harassment" at that time, which, I'm ashamed to say the least of.
Another thing is:
Thankfully, he only had to go through a primary level of investigation, after which all the charges were dissolved (as they had to be since they were invalid), and the charges didn't reach a higher authority, leave alone anything like the Law or police. So no, he wouldn't have to face the "stigma of an inquiry", since our University is pretty informal about primary-level Enquiries. What he DID feel, is repulsed, betrayed and disgusted and thrown emotionally by this utterly unbecoming charge, and that is what I'm sorry about and seek to rectify.
@ the Anonymous female reader who said I was selfish for apologizing anonymously: Well, I don't know if I should clarify to you, I would NOT have been on here asking for advice on this if I'D NOT FELT sufficiently guilty, or wanted to put things right badly. And no, it wasn't *just* about grades, if you'd care to read my post a bit more thoroughly, before commenting so judgmentally.While the sexual harassment charge was untrue( in that sense), he did have certain idiosyncrasies in his classroom behaviour which were a little more than "hurtful" to us, which our original complaints were really about. You're correct about what you said on his educational level, but do you really think he could expect every one of us to meet HIS level of genius? Especially when he didn't even offer to help the physically and economically disadvantaged students when they sought his help with the ultra-expensive and rare reading matter he recommended? And made snide remarks about people who couldn't afford books? Please, in future, refrain from taking swipes at any situation without knowing actual facts.
Thank you very much all those that sought to offer non-judgmental advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): Unless it is a course requiring knowledge of historical pornography (eg, feminism, sociology, anthropology) then it's hard to see the relevance of "the nature of pornographic content that used to be in vogue in pre-Revolutionary France". You can usually spot this sort of irrelevant material by its lack of coverage in the subject's formal assessment.If the material is irrelevant then the student was more than justified in calling it "sexual harassment". It would certainly meet the requirements for that at the university where I work. It would not be in the worst category of offence, but it is doubtless a misuse of his position of power to force his students to listen to description of sexually titillating material of tangential relevance to the topic that agreed to learn.I also don't buy into the whole "socially inept" "great academic genius" persona. There are a few, but by far most of the geniuses I've worked with have social skills above the norm -- and those are usually a good part of the reason for their success (eg, Alvarez asking for mass spectrometer time rather than seeking a grant for the time, which he probably wouldn't have got. The result was an out-of-the-blue revolution in paleontology).The "socially inept genius" hasn't been a reality in front-line research since the 1960s. Because it isn't productive. In the 1950s Franklin and Wilkins were in the prime seat for the discovery of DNA and failed mainly because of their lack of ability to work with each other. Some of that was due to social factors (the outrageous sexism at Kings) but mostly it was due to personalities. After that massive failure, Wilkins changed to be one of the best people to be taught by and to work with.I have found is that many people who *claim* they are geniuses are rude and unbearable. I rather think that these people simply look for an excuse to be rude and unbearable as an expression of control over others.Your description strongly suggests that this professor is a control freak of the subtle kind. I think that this has been belatedly recognised by the administration and he has been bought to heel. Naturally, this is upsetting to him and he seems to be acting out other controlling strategies in response. If you have any sense at all you will have nothing to do with him, let alone place yourself in his power by seeking a more social relationship.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 You're obsessed with him and even though you've been here more than once talking about your obsession, you won't take our advice and get help.
I don't understand why you keep coming back here to get advice when you don't follow it.
You're going to do what you want to do regardless of what we tell you, so giving you advice would be pointless and akin to banging our heads against a brick wall.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Many geniuses are are aggressive in defending their viewpoints. Because they are accustomed to being 'right' all the time, they are confident to the extreme that they may seem smug or like a 'know it all."Your inability to attempt to rectify the situation the 'right way' shows you lack integrity. Essentially, by filing this complaint, you've damaged this man's professional reputation. And why did you do it? Because he held you to a higher academic standard than you were accustomed to? Because he graded you harshly because he expected exemplary work? He is only guilty of trying to provide all of you with a better education and understanding of something he was passionate about. You are all cowardly for your actions. Even more so for not going to him first as a group to discuss any concerns you had about his grading prior to filing the complaint.If you truly cared about this man as a person, you would formally redact the portion of your complaint referring to academic discussions of pre-french revolution pornography as sexual harassment. Additionally, you would convince the others who complained to do the same.Asking him to be friends and apologizing anonymously is like slapping him in the face. You were obviously thinking only of yourself and how guilty and terrible you feel about doing the wrong thing. This doesn't help anything and only proves you are selfish: *You* wanted to see him punished (when he is guilty of nothing more than holding you to a higher standard than you are accustomed to), after lying about sexual harassment to the administration *you* got what *you* wanted, and now *you* want to alleviate *your* guilt and be friends?!Don't bother contacting him again until you do everything in your power to rectify the damage you helped create in his professional life. Once you've done everything you possibly can, then, you can contact him to apologize and let him know who you are. Don't ask him to be friends again. If he feels your actions redeem your character, he will let you know he appreciates your effort. You won't feel any better until you do the right thing. Let this whole thing be a lesson to you...don't make the same mistake again.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 September 2011):
Iv seen a previous question from you on a very similar topic.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/professor-is-offensive-with-a-severe-attitude-problembut.html
Its obvious that you are talking about the same teacher because of various similarities in your descriptions of him. "Academic genius" is the term you have used very often in both posts. In which case, as has been told to you before, you are clearly obsessed with this man and you are not taking anyone's advice.
Here are some of the things that you have said about him in your previous post.
"I had become sort of obsessed with him."
"I'm even developing stalkerish tendencies too, I feel."
"This curiosity and thoughts started to increase, to the point where I became almost fascinated with him. Like, I enjoyed talking about him with friends, or fantasized about him, sometimes even sexually."
If you feel bad about the character assassination, get all the students to apologize and end the matter there. There is nothing more than you can do. To feel sorry for your collective actions is one thing, to try and "become friends with him" is another. You cannot and should not befriend a teacher. Keep the relationship professional, because there is a way of dealing with every relationship in your life.
If you cannot get over this,then please seek professional help, because the help of agony aunts here on DC is falling on deaf ears.The readers here can just guide you, but if you dont pay attention to the advice given here and keep looking for ways to befriend this man, then no one will be of any help.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 That "aggressive mask" is a technique that some teachers employ to impose discipline - those that don't know the difference between DEMANDING and COMMANDING respect, as appears to be the case here. He has been caught up in the false ethos of "start as you mean to go on" and obviously can't seem to get out of it.
He needs someone like you to mark his card for him and teach him that engendering a good rapport with his students, so that mutual respect will follow.
MUTUAL respect is the key here, too; it won't work just one way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): This is a very serious situation involving false and exaggerated claims made against an individual who is clearly very devoted to his work. As someone both researching at college and beginning to teach, it is the kind of situation that makes my blood run cold and I actually feel physically sick to think that a group of students could conduct such a "witchunt" purely because someone has worked so hard that they have relatively under-developed social skills. The fact that you feel shame and remorse about what you have done is something at least.The ONLY way that you can behave honourably in any of this is to make an official "retraction" of what you said. Write a letter along similar lines, to the necessary officials, explaining things in a similar vein to how you have done here. This poor man has almost had his teaching career ruined and will live with the stigma of this enquiry for the rest of his life. How could you do this to someone? Please, I implore you to take all of your courage and officially retract your complaint, if not as a group then as an individual. You probably cannot foresee that this could actually "save the day" for this person, in more ways than one. Please take courage and speak out. If you can't do it in person then do so anonymously, but please, please do something.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (22 September 2011):
 if i was him would i want you as a friend? unlikely
move on and stop worrying about it. your class as a whole made these allegations primarily because he was nice to people who kissed his ass and graded everyone else harsh from what you said. this was why you all made the complaint.
move on as i'm sure he will, no-one at a high level is ever going to think that he sexually harassed his students by talking about pornography, they will probably just think that a large number of people made a complaint against him and for that he will be look upon less favourably.
you and your guilt will have to grow up and move on. guilt will make you feel bad, but you will get over it and you need to.
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