A
female
age
36-40,
*ndrea_c
writes:Well... if you saw my other question, you'd understand the background of my situation, but.. from an outsider's point of view, here's my current situation...I love a guy to pieces and secretly cannot threaten the fact that I will move on if he does not verbally commit to me. Good guy, great morals, solid education, awesome personality, huge heart... for his family and friends... and deathly afraid of commitment. I've known him since around this time 2008 and cannot let go of him even though he doesn't give me 100% of what I need. He doesn't call me his "girlfriend" in front of certain people even though I consider him my boyfriend and yearn for him to commit. I know I'll never be able to change this kid, so just give it to me straight. Should I threaten to leave? Give him an ultimatum? Care less? So sick of wondering what I should do and need an unbiased opinion.
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 If this guy isn't in a relationship with you but is getting all the 'benefits' he would never commit. Give him space and tell him your schedule just got a lot tighter. Start connecting with other friends especially guys. This will do one of two things either for him to make up his mind, or show his true colors. Either way be prepared because it could go either way.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Ask yourself honestly: what does he have to gain from commitment? Is he really "afraid" of it, or is the cost/benefit ratio of committing just not good enough? Frequently, women think of men as "afraid" when it really boils down to the man making a rational decision.
For instance, if he's already getting everything he wants out of the relationship, why should he do any more than he already is? You can't change things by taking anything away (for instance, caring less, or putting out less), that's just manipulative and will cause him to move on, so there has to be a clear and lasting reward for committing.
Remember, he does not *owe* you commitment. No one owes anyone anything beyond the very basic level of respect for a fellow human being. The two of you have a relationship each at the cost/benefit ratio you are willing to accept right now; asking more of him for nothing would gain you nothing.
Brainstorm what you mean by commitment - just calling you his girlfriend? Spending more time with you? Getting closer to your friends and family? Be specific - if you don't know what you want, how can you hope to get it? Then, brainstorm what he would gain by committing - more sex? More trust? What does he want that you have to offer?
Threatening to leave or making an ultimatum will fail - even if he agrees to it, it will be a sore spot in the relationship, something forced rather than chosen. You can only build a stronger relationship by doing more for each other, not by making unilateral demands or by holding affection hostage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Since you are not his GF you should tell him that you are going to start dating (and screwing) other guys while you continue to see him. That should crystallize this guy's feelings about you in a big hurry.
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