A
female
age
30-35,
*razyK
writes:I've been married for a few months now, and I love him to death. The only problem is, I'm terrified of having sex. Like, i enjoy it when we start, but after a few moments i just start to panic. I get shaky and start crying and we have to stop. Why am I like this? I thought i would have been over it by now, but I'm not.Just to be clear though, i have never been sexually abused at any point in my life. As far as i know, there's just no reason for me to feel that way at all. I'm scared it might effect our relationship at some point... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 November 2012):
Hi there,
It's weird but sometimes I get this, too. There was nothing wrong with my partner but I panicked nonetheless.
What helped me is that I found some tricks how to feel more comfortable. For instance, if I am on top, if the light is on, if there's eye contact and talking.
If I feel in control, if I can set the pace, everything is fine. If I feel powerless, half of the time it's okay and half of the time I will panic and cry and make a big drama.
I've never been abused but there's been some sexual harassment and bullying in my life that also included older, stronger boys hurting me when I was a child. I guess that's why I panic. I hate it when that happens because it's such a long time ago but it still affects me.
If I was in a relationship again, maybe I'd see a sexual therapist with my partner if it was still an issue. It could be annoying or worrying for a partner since he could feel like he was doing something wrong but was unable to change it.
A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket +, writes (22 November 2012):
If the previous poster is right and you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, then focusing on overcoming symptoms won't solve the problem, anxiety will latch onto anything and everything it can to keep itself alive, you overcome one symptom and it latches itself onto another and so on. I suffered severe anxiety for 2 years, I know what I'm talking about. If this is your problem go to www.anxietynomore.co.uk. Everything you need is on that page (no money needed). If you want to talk about anxiety inbox me. I've done so much research and have so much personal experience that my own psychiatrist and mental health team thought I was a trained psychologist, one thought I was a pharmacist :-) The important thing here, as difficult as it is, is not to focus on this reaction, or fear future sex with your partner, as you only make it worse. You teach your brain that sex is something to be feared, thus triggering the same reaction every time. Explain to your partner what is going on, and ask that you take sex slowly whilst teaching your brain that there is no danger in sex, break through the fear until your brain gets the message.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (22 November 2012):
 Phobias are extensions of anxiety disorders. So what you are actually suffering from is general anxiety rather than a specific fear (though it manifests as a phobia). Many with phobias will have the phobia "migrate" from thing to thing a few times throughout their lives, for no apparent reason.
The treatment isn't easy, but once you can successfully get through it, you shouldn't suffer from phobias of anything anymore. The treatment won't so much address your sex phobia as how to cope in general with anxiety. Often this uses a desensitization technique, where they will use your phobia to raise your anxiety small amounts and teach you techniques to bring it back down and practice with you.
Any therapist who makes you face a huge fear immediately, who makes you feel panicked, or who tries to belittle your fears is NOT the right therapist for you. A good therapist will give you encouragement and make you feel good about your progress. A good therapist will empathize with you and make you feel comfortable talking about what makes you frightened rather than making you feel judged.
Until you find this good therapist, I will try to explain the most basic method for calming anxiety. When you are feeling anxious (this probably won't work if you are panicked) the lizard part of your brain is basically convinced you are about to die. You can't reason with it. You can tell it everything is fine a million times, but it only speaks lizard. You need to convince it you're not in danger by helping calm yourself physically by slowing your heart rate and breathing. You should count your breaths. Breathe in for 2 counts, then out for 2. Then breathe in for 3, then out for 3. Continue in this manner up to 9 or 10, and then continue breathing slowly until the anxiety calms down. Make an effort to relax your muscles. Everyone feels tension in a different place and you should focus on yours. Common places are chest, shoulders, neck, stomach, and jaw. Make a conscious effort to relax those while you count. It's also helpful to remind yourself "I'm not in danger." Keep doing this until the anxiety dissipates.
Hope this helps, good luck.
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A
female
reader, KrazyK +, writes (22 November 2012):
KrazyK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually have a small number of things I'm afraid of. Deep water, riding in trains or airplanes, falling backwards... i never thought about this having any connection at all.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 November 2012):
You need to go talk to a counselor. You sound like you have a phobia. Sometimes they appear "out of nowhere" and for no apparent reason. Have you ever had a phobia of anything before? Even a small one? Not being scared, but the kind of thing where you have a panic attack from it and feel anxious thinking of said thing.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I think you need to go and talk to someone, I know that this sounds scary and it is a difficult task, but it sounds like you have developed a fear from somewhere, it could be something unknown to you but there are people qualified to find out where your issues are coming from so the best advice I can give you is to speak to your doctor about getting referred to a therapist. Good luck.
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