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male
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anonymous
writes: We dated for 4 months before things ended. After we broke up she treated me like dirt even though I didn't do anything wrong. She is separated from her husband in jail and considering a divorce. She has two kids one with him and one from an affair. I wrote him a letter and told him everything. Now she is mad can't blame her. She confided in me and I broke her trust but we both want to try to be together but we have this issue now. Don't get me wrong: while together we were great. The thing is now that we are unsure of trust. Can we fix our relationship?-unhappy
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reader, Dolomite +, writes (16 February 2006):
This is off on a bit of a tangent, but I think you both need to examine your reason for this relationship, and how committed you are to it. Here's why. She obviously has issues in choosing men. I am not saying you are not a stand up guy, but with a husband in jail and child with an ex-lover, she is not making the best decisions, especially if she is only "considering" divorce. She needs to get her head on straight before moving on with a new(er) relationship.For you, think about her history. She's married, yet has a child with someone she had an affair with. Now she is having an affair with you. Don't kid yourself, she's still married; what you have with each other is adultery. I see too problems from your end. One, you are entering a relationship based on dishonesty, which is never good. Second, she has cheated on her husband twice now; why do you think she will not eventually cheat on you? Do you think "Oh, we are different, we are in love!"? If that is the case you are setting yourself up for some serious disappointment. Cheating is a line that can only be crossed in one direction, once a person can rationalize being unfaithful in one relationship, they can do it in others. I obviously no little about this woamn, but I am guessing she is eternally looking for the greener grass on the other side.My first instinct (the one I normally trust) is to tell you to end the relationship, spend a little time deciding what you want from a romantic relationship, then look for someone who can meet those needs completely.Here is my advice, should you decide you want to continue with this lady; sit down and talk with her and put everything on the table - Her reasons for having affairs, why you sent the letter to her husband, what her current relationships are with her husband and her other babies father. Then set a hard rule - if you two want to be together, she needs to divorce her husband so you can make a clean start of things. You need to create an evironment of honest interaction or you are doomed to fail. Best of luck to you.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 February 2006):
 I presume that you wrote the letter in retaliation for how she was with you. You are right, you did break her trust. On the other hand assuming your judgement of her actions is fair she also has things to answer for. I think you have alot of sorting out to do. She does maybe need to appreciate that she can't treat you badly and expect no response while you need to appreciate that even though the temptation is there an eye for an eye makes the world blind.
The key issues would seem to be have you resolved what caused the original split? Also, are you prepared to work at the relationship? If the answer to both those questions yes then I think you have a shot. Alot of time and hard work may see you through. Good luck.
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