A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I have been married for 3 years but my husband and I are on the verge of splitting. I've come to realise I don't love him anymore and I can't stand him being anywhere near me. We have a son who is almost two. I've recently met someone else. I've become attracted to him and when we met recently I told this man about my feelings. He said he finds me attractive and he wants to get involved with me. However, he is seperated from his wife (for a few years) and has a partner (they don't live together). He said his problem with having an affair would be the guilt. He is also well known in our community....... I think he fears being found out. I know he wouldn't leave his partner. He is older than me and has three grown up children. I'm in my thirties and I can't stop thinking about him. We text one another everyday..........its getting out of control. I only want an affair with him........My husband and I are currently discussing seperation.Please help me
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female
reader, SallySoMe  +, writes (15 December 2008):
 Sounds like the intented affair is not the issue here at all. You are in fact desperately looking for someone to compensate for the stress, anxiety & loss you're experiencing being right in the middle of your current marital breakdown.
This will in effect act as your comfort-blanket where you can lose yourself within & make everything seem all right. Recognise that its a temporary band-aid for far greater turmoil going on in your life, whether you get to have the affair or not is immaterial. This man as love/lust interest is immaterial.
Slow down, don't be in such a hurry to jump from the frying pan into the fire. Take some time to fully resolve your current personal issues, do some inner reflection of what the way forward looks like for you & your little son.
Going celibate for a short time while getting closure on more important matters will not harm you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Unless you're one of those people who love bouncing from one crisis to another, then I think you need to fix your life first. This is no time to worry about doing anything with anyone until you figure out the situation with your husband first. I'm not even saying you need to save the marriage, but why on Earth would you throw an unecessary complication into your life when things are complicated enough?
Think about it... if you and your husband split without you having an affair, then you might be able to have an amicable, reasonable divorce between 2 people acting like adults when things just don't work out.
BUT if you throw another man into the equation, you risk your hubby finding that out and out of anger making that public (thus screwing the reputation & circumstances of your "well known" lover)... and then your husband may also feel pissed off enough to make the divorce as ugly, expensive and long as possible. People do it all the time when they feel they've been thrown over for another.
Honestly, use your head here.
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A
female
reader, melon +, writes (11 December 2008):
Split up with your husband, you obviously don't love the guy anymore. Regardless of anybody else you make like, get out of the relationship. There's no point cheating on him, just leave him. That way it won't make things more complicated than it needs to be, you both know where you stand. And plus you say you have a 2 year old child, I really don't think it's fair on them to see a loveless marriage...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): You are looking for a tangible excuse to end the relationship emotionally with your current partner once and for all. I don't think you need this complication - what purpose will it serve other to make it more emotionally messy than it already is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): I agree with he poster about affairs and making your marriage work again, I did the same after an affair, you say your post is on this site to read but do not say what your story is or who you are to help us gain from your experiance and how to save your marriage, let us know who you are so you can let this woman see her choices and how to love and commit again to someone who is not just an affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Hi, You need to decide about your husband first. Try and put the other man out of your head for now until you do and do not let him or the thought of him cloud your judgement. Maybe your marraige is worth saving, you have to ask yourself if its what you really want. If your marraige is over then you must end it. If the other man does not want to end it with his partner and obviously feels enough for her to feel guilty then you should not push him. Just because you are happy to have an affair does not mean its ok for him. If your marraige is really over and you leave your husband. Then you could look for someone who is unattached.
I have been down the affair route myself. I also thought my marraige was basically over and got involved with a married man. If you want to read my story i have posted on this site. But take it from me it was not worth it. I thought he was really genuine and kind and caring, he was also married but said he was really unhappy. After 5 months we were found out by my husband, then my affair ran a mile and basically treated my like a tramp. He ignored my letters and please for answers. I was so hurt and depressed and of course I hurt my husband very badly. After it all came out and a lot of talking with my husband we have actually managed to get things back on track. So it just goes to show even when you think its all over, sometimes its not. You have to find out before you make a terrible mistake. I think the other man you speak of is also worried about making a mistake. He will be attracted to you and he is probably very interested but is it just sex or is it anything real.
I wish you well and hope whatever you decide you find happiness.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 December 2008):
 You have too many issues to solve at one time. You need to deal with them all, one by one.
First, end it with your husband, or stay with him. Do not just "discuss" separation. Make a decision about that.
Second, it seems that the second man is not a very good option. Let's see: he has a partner, but he is thinking about sex with you. In my books, that is cheating. I don't think he wouldn't go beyond some sex, because he doesn't want to. I'm not sure you should get involved with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): You shouldn't push somebody into doing something that will get them into trouble or that they are this uncomfortable with. If you want a clean break and to find someone new then I suggest you and your husband get a divorce before either of you pursue anyone else =]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): You ask for help??
You want to keep your dignity??
First separate and than start something new. You should also be honest to the guy that you only want to have an affair with him.
Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): First of all i strongly disagree with what you have put about wanting to have an affair. No body should want to have an affair it is going behind people's backs, lying to people, breaking up families and causing no end of heart ache for everyone, most of all yourself.
What you do want is to be with this man, and you want him to love you enough to give up everything for you, life is too short to have regrets, or not be with the person you truly love. Yes he has a family and yes he is a good man in the community, but the right thing to do is tell the truth if he is in love with you, not lie about an affair in the long run that would make it worse if it came out.
Also are you sure you really do love him to want to be with him, or is it not just the first person you have had a spark with since your husband? Because if you do just want to be with anyone but your husband i am sure there are a lot of single men you could be with.
Sorry to be so harsh but i think you need to split up with your husband if that is not working, and then if this man will not give up everything for you he doesn't really love you, so find someone else that does and you are happy with them too.
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