A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I like sex, it's great fun, feels good and so on, but the thing is, I only feel like I can do it whilst drunk. If I'm sober, I don't know, I just feel as if I cant, like slightly I don't have the confidence in a way. It's not a comfortability thing either, I'm more than comfortable with my boyfriend. And sometimes I just get the feeling as if though I'm letting him down, I dont know whats wrong with me? Any ideas??
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrokenandconfused: than answer was truely pointless, that was really no help to me whatsoever, especially considering this is something that is seriously concerning me and effecting me, that was not giving help in anyway, if you want to critizise me instead of help me then please keep it to you yourself... And to who answered under anonymous, that was actually a brilliant answer, thank you so much :) x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Are you more confident in the dark? Also, try putting music on in the background, I find that makes me more confident because it takes the focus away a little.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this? If he is understanding and would also like to help you out, his support could be invaluable. It will also take patience on his part to wait for sex until you are confident and comfortable.
I suggest that you try taking things slowly and building up to sex rather than going for it the first time without anything to drink. Essentially, treat yourself as if you were a teenager/virgin with your first boyfriend. These are the sorts of steps you could take to build up to it (of course you could add lots more steps in between or change things to suit you):
a) kissing
b) heavy petting.
b) massages with clothes on.
c) massages with clothes off.
d) bath/shower together.
e) hand play/oral if you both comfortable with this.
f) sex.
Move on to a new step when you feel comfortable with the old one. Every time you move on to a new step, make sure you start off with the old ones then continue on to the new one.
It is essential that your boyfriend gives you lots of encouragement and expresses his pleasure, especially when you are doing something right. Explain this to him (and also tell him when he's doing something that feels good to you to encourage him).
The most important aspect of this plan however, is that you must take your time and both agree before you start how far you are willing to go. To avoid pressure in the heat of the moment you could agree to go on to a new step once a week or something similar so you both know where you stand and so that you don't feel tempted to drink.
Another important aspect is to make it nice/relaxing/comfortable for you. The main way of doing this is to stop sex being the focus/aim and to make your physical interactions more fun. This is partly achieved by the plan but if you are the romantic type, you could also light candles/ put some romantic music on & dance with your boyfriend before starting. When you're moving on to a new step make a date of it - go to see a film, go ice skating or have dinner together at a new restaurant beforehand (no alcohol!) so that you're having fun & connecting before you start. Surprising your boyfriend with dates will also help you to focus on him rather than you (and your boyfriend's smile will make you feel good about yourself too)
I hope you manage to work this out and that your boyfriend supports you on this.
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A
female
reader, brokenandconfused  +, writes (20 December 2008):
 ok...where do i begin? you shouldn't drink and have sex becuz it could lead to things that you will truly regret later. think before you act. your thoughts become your words your words become your actions.
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