A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a few concerns in my way of thinking. I care way too much what others think about me. It's specifically what they think of my looks. Sadly I obsess about it. I think this may stem from my childhood. I was called ugly practically everyday from ages 9 to 17. Now I know just about everyone has dealt with bullying in their childhood of some sort. I got it specifically based on the way I looked. I really started to look better in my early 20s, and loved the attention I got because of it. Guys no longer ran in the other direction when they saw me. Even guys who called me ugly before seemed to have regret, meaning the ones who saw me after high school. I have a husband now but still want approval from every other guy. I realize this is obsession and not healthy. And yes I had a dad before anyone asks. What do I do about this? Some days I'm fine but right now I'm at a low point because I recently donated my hair. The hairdresser cut off way more than I wanted her to, and now I feel I'm not attractive without my long hair. I didn't have this problem when I donated last year, because they did what I told them and didn't cut off too much. My long hair was a lot of my attractiveness. Without it I feel like nothing special. Also I had short hair as a kid when everyone called me ugly so that's why I hate it so much. My husband says he loves it, but I know husbands lie about this sort of thing, I.E "no you haven't gained weight", "I really like your new haircut", white lies.How do I feel good about myself as I grow out my hair? And how do I stop caring if in the mean time my husband thinks other women look better? Again he says he doesn't but come on I wasn't born yesterday. I want to just not care. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 Frivolous advice: extensions.
You are being given good advice, it's all about self acceptance and self - esteem.
But, it takes time and effort to repair the inside, while putting up extensions will only take an hour or two. It may give you an immediate quick fix, and make you feel better WHILE you learn other ways to cultivate your sense of sense worth. Which it's always hard to do when you feel hopelessly, irreparably " flawed ". If you can feel just a tad better about the outside too, it's a good starting point.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): People could think you were gorgeous but if you didn't see it then you'd be miserable.
Equally, people could see you as ugly but if you consider yourself beautiful, you'd be happy.
Or people could see you in whatever way they liked but if you saw looks as insignificant in measuring your worth then you'd be happy or sad regardless if how you look.
My point is. It shouldn't be about what people say. Learn to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Keep your body healthy and derive your self worth from within.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): Either you think that your self esteem is still low and this is why you care so much about what other's think of your appearance and so you work on building your self esteem.
OR
Allow yourself to care what other people think about your appearance. Really just give yourself permission to be upset and pissed off that a hairdresser cut most of your hair off - I would be ! - and give yourself permission to care what you look like, even if it is a bit more extreme than most people's responses. We live in a world where increasing numbers of people are obsessed with what they look like - yeah, it may be horrible, but it's reality as it is now. I tend to think that the more you allow yourself to care about what other's think of your appearance, in YOUR case, the less it will actually matter to you.
I say this because you sound intelligent and not deluded, but very hard on yourself and very critical of yourself. THAT is the problem, not being 'obsessive' about what you look like to others - every time you care about what you look like, you are probably criticising yourself for doing so and putting yourself down in a way that mimics all those people years ago who put you down for being ugly. So, bizarre as it may seem, I say be as vain and self- centred in regard to your looks as you like, because it's about you learning to accept yourself. I am pretty sure that as time goes on and you accept your 'obsession' with looks, you really will grow out of it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 May 2014):
 You are a beautiful person inside. It is wonderful that you work and care for your hair for so long, so that you can donate it. Your Husband sees that inner beauty shinning through. Husbands don't so much lie as they are blinded a bit by being in love with you. He loves all of you inside and out. That love overshadows little things like a bad haircut. I'm sure others see the same, just not quite so much.
FA
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