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*erestandsaman
writes:Hi all, I am in my 50's been married 25 years got two great kids , grown up, mootgage payed blah blah but just hate my lifeMy wife does a lot, cook, wash, iron that's it, a housemaidShe is lazy, layback, won't communicate with me. My life is crap, I work so hard whilst she lols around.I pay for everything. Also I no longer fancy her.Yes, this has been going on a long time.I am sick of bottling things up then smiling for everyone when in my heart I feel crapI am fed up of working 60hours a week when she does 27 hours, yhen a sniffle and without a worry she quits work what the hellShe knows I will just work harderI don't want a housewife Have I lost the plot ??? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): If you're not happy just get divorced, but I doubt you will be happy that way either. S*** or get off the pot. If you didn't want a traditional wife you chose the wrong person for a life partner. You still haven't responded to the fact that your wife does a lot of work, housework, children and so on, maybe she isn't capable of also having a full time career. People who make a lot of money simply pay someone else to do all of that work and it isn't cheap even though those workers are underpaid in general. It is WORK, and to do it for a person like you must be horrible. There are woman who do socializing all day and pay someone else to look after their children. They don't do any housework and have no jobs but their husbands are still happy with them for the most part.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 The years that she worked 27 hours and with that income she didn't share with you? Like she hid it in her account? If there is no sex then I do understand why you are angry. But there are still many old fashioned men who take pride in providing for the family. You wonder how they do it? If your wife is not acting like a traditional wife (such as being submissive in all aspects) then I understand your anger. One crucial thing is if she loves you. When your children are gone you are faced with each other. If you resent paying for everything that could mean she doesn't want a connection with you anymore, and the love is one sided from you. There I can see why you are upset.
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reader, Herestandsaman +, writes (30 October 2014):
Herestandsaman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. Most of it I find confusing as the blame & the one to blame in this crisis is indeed ME ?
How does that work ? Ok so to cook a meal wash & iron is all that is needed from a wife ?
So a mans tats is to walk the dog wash the car cut the grass, then lol around, yes please I could do that
Truth is, we both knew the commitments we took on, but I was always the one to pay up or go down
Well I would like a little help !
As for spending time together, she won't involve herself
Yes we have had many talks of more hours but they have never materialised
I want nice holidays & breaks together
But am fed up of having to pay for everything
If I now challenge her all she does is stop talking £ burrows her head until I beg for forgiveness
What a nasty person I have become
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): Go to your doctor, you might very well be slipping into feelings of depression. Not all marriages last, it's sad but it's a fact. Your children are grown up, that often makes couples forced to spend more alone time together and sometimes they're not as happy as they used to be.You need to talk to your wife. You can't, without any warning, suddenly announce you want a divorce and are leaving - if you've been bottling this all up she's not going to have a clue.You need to sit down and say you are feeling low, you feel overworked, you feel lost in the marriage and not sure where to go. It won't be an easy conversation but the most worthwhile ones often aren't. Open up to her and you might just see a glimpse of what you're missing, you might just see your wife cares about you. You could sit down and work out your outgoings and see if you can cut down yor working hours. If you can't, and she's no longer working 27hrs and has quit, you could suggest you are dropping some hours and she will need to work some hours.When was the last time you went out together? Re-connect. You've spent your lives together, raising children and coping with the stresses of family life it would seem so sad to throw it all away. Maybe, if you take your wife out, eat dinner with her, listen to her and talk to her you might see the woman you feel in love with.She may well enjoy resting up when you're home, but I think it is often underestimated how much hard work it is to keep a house looking not just tidy but actually clean. When you're not there, you don't know how hard she is working to make dinner for you, thinking about what you would like to eat and how you like it cooked.Don't write this off. Marriage isn't a rosy path, but you need to start communicating again and you really perhaps need to consider chatting to a GP too. Best of luck.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 Yep, the "plot" has been lost forever. You two need a break from one another. A looooong break.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): I will try to take another side on this.
Are you saying that your home is paid & kids are all out of the house, so now just the two of you after many years, so not enough housework/errands to keep a person busy for 5 days a week?
Are you unhappy because your wife quit working without discussing this with you first, and now she doesn't know how to fill her time productively in her "early retirement"?
If yes is your answer to those questions, then I can see your side OP. I can understand why you feel some resentment if you are expected to pay for all of the same things you had as a dual-income household, now all by yourself. Going from 1 to 2 incomes is a big change & commitment/agreement is needed from both parties if this is done by choice.
You should talk with your wife to see if she will get another job to help with the bills, or if there are things she has now (cable, nail/hair appts, entertainment items, etc) that you will no longer have to pay for since she has cut the income of her own accord. See if she can make a paying gig out of a hobby of hers to help with paying for those things.
Also, I agree that you should not "work harder" to make up for her shortfall in earnings, your regular income should be made to cover your new budget, even if that means you and she cannot live the same lifestyle necessarily. Talk with her and make changes to your budget. Since the house is paid for, you have a roof. I assume you make pleanty enough to put food on the table. the rest is gravy.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 Yes, you have lost your plot. And your capacity to perform very simple calculations.
Good thing that you don't want a housemaid. Because probably you could not afford one, if you should hire somebody else doing all which your wife does for your household.
A live out housekeeper rate in UK is £6-£10 p.h. , and in London £ 12 and up. Tax and NI on top of this.
But yours is more like a fulltime live in housemaid, so a min. of £ 250 a week, for 40 hours a week over FIVE days a week. Her food and utilities on you. Work on afterhours, Sundays and holidays is paid overtime, of course. And don't forget annual mandatory paid leave.
In fact, it's quite possible that someone like your wife performs personal , responsibility duties, more like a PA would do - ( going to the bank, making doctors appointments... )- that sends her average fee to £600 a week.
Get rid ( in a legal way , of course :) of your wife and then hire somebody to do all she does, and see if this does not bite off a huge chunk of that hardearned cash coming from that 60 hours weekly work.
You take too much for granted, OP. Just because you don't pay for certain services it does not mean that they are not valuable , as you'd soon find out if you had to contract them out. Of course, when a husband starts worrying that the wife is not " earning her keep " , there's not much of a marriage left anyway, but in any case I'd say your wife so far has been far from mooching off you.
In fact, I haven't understood if she does the housekeeping AND , on top of this , also works 27 hours weekly outside, but if this is the case , she is working as much as you, and I don't see what you are kvetching about.
Well, no, I see it. You seem in full blast midlife crisis. Or, more simply, the spark is gone, the feelings are dead - sad but it happens at times, (and generally is BOTH's fault/ responsibility for not having prevented that / fought against it. It takes two to tango and often when a marriage dies, it has been killed a bit by each spouse ). But rather than acknolewdging that, and taking responsibility if you don't like YOUR life, you need to find an easy scapegoat in your wife. " I don't like her anymore because she does not work enough ". Yeah right- because if she'd go to work in a coal mine , now, suddenly you'd find her all sexy and alluring and enticing, right ?
Oh please.
If you are so unhappy with your life ( and with your wife ) then take steps to leave her and regain your freedom.
At least the poor woman will be free to " loll " around an afternoon watching some Tv, without having to feel that her husband is begrudging her any minute of recreation she gets, and any morsel of food she consumes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): You contradict yourself: my wife does a lots, but she is lazy. That makes no sense. If you don't fancy your wife that's one thing, but don't diminish housechores. I cleaned and cooked, and washed, and shopped and ran other errands for many years. I know what a hard job itis. Now when I have to help my husband in his business, I am never home, and I refused to come home after work and clean. I have a housecleaning lady now. Do you know how much housecleaning job costs? My house is not big, andi pay 85$. She comes every 2 weeks. But I still do laundry, cooking and grossery shopping. Raising children and housework is a lot of work, it's more than 60 hours. If you didnt want a housewife then you should not have to have kids. How wonderfull it would be I ideal for you world: to have a career woman who makes her own living, bringing up children, cleaning, cooking, ironing for you all at the same time. Talking about equality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): You don't sound like a prize to be honest but you could get divorced if you're that unhappy and find a career gal and hire a maid. Of course you would have to split half your assets first and pay alimony.
Your wife is doing a lot of work if she is doing all the housework and she probably did most of the work giving birth to and raising of your children. That is very hard work- so you don't pay for everything, she contributes also with the all the apparently thankless work she does. The fact that you don't recognize this and appreciate it says that you need to work on yourself.
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 Uhh, if she's cooking, cleaning, and ironing for you, she is NOT lazy. Do you realize how many guys come on here and just wish that their wives would do that??
And Jannie is right - if your kids are grown and your mortgage is paid, why are you working crazy massive hours??
Why do you hate your life?? Leaving your wife will not give you happiness when you have to live with yourself. You'll have to split equity with her 50/50, so you'll still be working 60 hours a week and then have to do your own cooking, cleaning, and ironing.
This is the time when you two should BOTH kick back, take second honeymoons, see the world, enjoy your middle age!
You sound like you're in mid-life crisis. You have the dream, yet you're restless because you want her to work hours that the household doesn't need? What if SHE worked 60 hours and you had to take on half of the housework?? Would you?
You should appreciate what she does for you, plus she raised your children and worked 150+ hours a week when they were growing up. Plan your retirement if you're getting ready to!
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 October 2014):
Your mortgage is paid so it's fair that both of you relax. Why can't you cut it down to 40 hours? House work is unpaid work, doesn't mean it's lesser. If she did house work and then part time work she had been working just as hard as you. What does it mean when you say she does a lot then she is lazy?
Maybe you should try living separately and hiring a housemaid who's not much a stranger than your wife and see how you like that better. Are you saying the only way you can be happy and fancy your wife again is that she works 60 hours a week then come home to cook, wash, clean? Do you want your wife to feel as crappy as you? You can't expect the spark to just come from no where. Both people have to work hard to rekindle the feelings again. When all you do is feel angry that isn't going to create a romantic, harmonious environment for her. No one is telling you to stop being angry if you need time and space to feel that anger, about how unfair life is but please don't blame it on your wife. Maybe you want to bring your wife down to your misery so you don't feel it alone but ask yourself, why can't your wife go lol around? What's wrong with being happy?
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