A
male
age
36-40,
*oubtingOne23
writes:I am in a weird limbo with my girlfriend. I have both profound concern for the way she feels, but at the same time no longer enjoy her as daily company. My problem is I have no healthy relationships to define where healthy boundaries, and being a cold uncaring boyfriend meet. I want feedback on how intertwined should my life be with a girl I have dated for 3.5 yrs be? I have friends occasionally I will hang out with. She has two friends but finds every excuse to escape spending time with them without me. I just feel like her idea of a relationship at first seemed fine, but now I feel like Im scared to commit. After reading many articles about emotional abuse I am concerned she is emotionally abusive. I know I have catered to it from the start. I always gave in, and did what she wanted to make her happy. But last year I had a breakdown and am now trying to find myself as I had felt I no longer knew what normalcy was, nor who I was. I am rebuilding lost friendships, and trying to regain independence but its been a long road so far with the arguments that include name calling on her part, 3 suicide threats, without fail an empty threat to leave, somehow even if it takes a day or two she makes me feel it is my fault, and my weakness crying. Another question being, what if I can't break up face to face... It always ends with her crying and me rushing back... How bad is it to do it on the phone or write a letter so she knows why, and I can give some closure. I am actively trying to reconnect with her but I don't know how long I can try before another fight.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DoubtingOne23 +, writes (29 January 2010):
DoubtingOne23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers! I do appreciate those who take the time to help.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 January 2010):
People have often said that breakdowns, although distressing, are a huge wake up call and in the end are often a good thing. This is what has happened in your case. Clearly before all this, you were very nervous and there was a lot going on. When a person feels like that, the grab the thing that seemingly offers love and affection, even if it doesn't. In your case you chose this girl. And she is a nightmare. You are right, she is emotionally abusive and you need to get away from her so you can find yourself and who you are. You do need to break up face to face. There's a saying. 'Take them in gracefully, that you might move them on gracefully'. The point is, if you can end it face to face, you'll feel better for it and you'll be a better guy for it. If you're worried she will manipulate you again, take her to a public place and do it. Be polite, be calm, and be concise about it. Just tell her you need to find yourself, and that the relationship isn't working. And that's it. Then leave, don't look back or anything. If you think she will make a scene, have a friend waiting nearby that you can just get away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): Im going to be very direct, sorry if you arent used to that.
Yes u can end it over the phone but that is the easy way out.. she needs an actual conversation, breaking up over the phone or via letter isnt good, we all deserve face to face conversations - lose this girl!
You can do it, maybe practice what u are going to say with a friend or family member, be strong, take a deep breath and dont fall for her mid game crap
She is manipulating you into staying with her, the name calling is nasty and not part of a health r/ship, end this now. You deserve much better than her, a breakdown? im really sorry u had to go thru this, doesnt this tell u s/thning about this girl? that u should lose her?
Let her play her mind games with someone else. Camly and without getting upset or angry tell her that you are sick of her emotioanal abuse and that you no longer want to be with her,dont call me anymore, its over, then leave. give her examples of how she behaves and when she has been mean and overly dependant on you. ASk her to put herself in yr shoes, how would she feel if she was you and you were her her? would she stay with you? Dont fall for her crying and angry words,suicide threats? she is playing you and knows she will get what she wants - you, for yr own health and you need to get rid of her, it wont be easy but unless you want to stay with her and put up with her crap you need to leave her.
good luck
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