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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what to do with myself.I'm still deeply, madly in love with my ex. He broke up with me today, again. He always does it. I just, I guess I'm an idiot. When we first met, the chemistry was all over. When we started dating, everything went great! We fell in love quickly and were convinced we were each other's "One". We were each other's first love even though he's older and had had a girlfriend before - but he was my first boyfriend and the man I gave my virginity to. Which makes all of this all the more ironic!The first 6 months were great. We just got along great, everything was nice and sweet... until his jealousy - of which he had warned me when we started dating - arose. However, he had told me he didn't want to know anything about my past. The thing is that he asked me whether I had ever had a thing with the guy who had introduced us (at the time, he was good friend of both of us). I panicked because he didn't ask in a nice, conversational tone. He was flat out accusatory. So, I feared the worst if I told him the truth. I lied. I denied it. But then I had to come clean because he asked again: yes, I had had a friendship with benefits back in the day when I didn't even know my now ex boyfriend existed. A can of worms was opened.Of course, broken trust. But most of the problem was that he judged me on my past, and became fixated with it, asking for more and more details. He wanted honesty so I tried to give it, but I couldn't all the time. Months before this happened we had the sex talk and I had told him that I had given oral sex to a guy once. He didn't ask anything about it and it was long forgotten. Until he started asking for details about that, and it turns out it was my ex fwb, and then he started asking about every othr guy, who were 2 strangers that I had made out with on two occassions when I had gone out with the girls to the bar. And then my ex crushes. And then the guys who had crushed on me. And then guys who weren't even crushes nor had they crushed on me, but who had flirted with me. Every detail. Everything. I couldn't just lose my sense of privacy and disclose everything, right? Especially regarding the past, when I didn't even know him! So I lied, does that make me an awful person, really? If he started pushing for details, in an accusatory way, asking and asking about it, making me cry calling me names, making me feel awful about the whole thing?Eventually i had to stop visiting places, I stopped going out with my friends, I stopped talking to anyone remotely related to the past... but it wasn't enough. He didn't trust me. I lied several times, and I'm not saying it's acceptable, but considering the circumstances, what was I supposed to do?All I wanted was to love him fully, but he wouldn't let me. So he'd break up. the funny thing is, then he'd ask for forgiveness, ask me to be patient, and I was. And things started looking great, we'd be ok, having a nice loving relationship, until things were going TOO good, and then BAM! Again with his jealousy, out of the blue he'd come up with something from the past, call me a whore and tell me it was over.Same story now. Says I'm lying. I'm not. This time, the truth is that I wasn't really a whore, that all I did was make out with that guy for a while and leave it there. But, oh, wait! To him that IS being a whore! Before I even met him! And he doesn't believe I just made out, he thinks I did something else and that I'm hiding it, because "I know how you are, I know that you were easy and horny". It was almost 3 years ago! I dated him for almost 2 years... I loved him, I put up with a lot of crap, I even think he cheated last week!Today he told me "Ok, then, I won't tell you what I did with Gina last week until you're honest with me about your past!". I was like, WHAT???? Last week, as far as I know, he didn't even talk to this Gina... and now he says he did something with her! I asked if he cheated, he said he wouldn't say until I was honest, and then broke up with me.And yet I love him... I'm such an idiot, it's just this guy is so great in so many levels, there are no other guys like him. The only flaw he has is all this fixation with my past - which is something I just can't put up with anymore, I know, so I'll just have to leave him for good and I'm torn. He really did have a lot of amazing qualities that I LOVE and I won't find in any other guy. And now some other girl will have him for herself, and he'll love her and give her all I wanted, when I loved him with all my heart and that wasn't enough... not fair!And please don't go telling me that I don't love him because I lied, because truly I love him, but I just sensed he'd be abusive if he found out about my past and I also wanted to mantain my privacy. I never asked about his past anyway. He eventually told me of his, but only to make me look bad because he never did something that was no strings attached. I just didn't want that can of worms to be opened, that doesn't mean I don't love him. I was trying to proetect what i thought was a relationship with great potential. And the mess I was trying to avoid, happened. Now he thinks I'm a whore. How do i overcome all this? I never wanna fall in love again because I will either be a whore in someone's eyes, or he'll be a player. I rather be alone and save myself from that grief.
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broke up, crush, fell in love, flirt, horny, jealous, my ex, oral sex, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Hi,
I dare say you won't have heard the last of this guy. He has total control over you, why would he want to give that up. And you are mistaken if you think that another girl will willingly jump into his arms, most girls I know hate control freaks who make them lose all their friends. Why would you think he would be attractive to other girls, most would run a mile as soon as he comes out with his jealously crap, girls these days are way more independent and dont put up with this type of rubbish.
But in you he has a willing punching bag, someone who will love him despite his abuse. If you can find some self respect you will realise what an a-hole this guy is and avoid any future contact. I imagine you wont, as your post sounds more like you are venting your frustration more than really seeking advice.
I hope you listen to what people say to you, get back in contact with your friends, go out meet new people, you will realise not all men want to control you, most will actually respect you and not give a damn who you have been with before.
You have a choice, go back to Mr Abuser who will make your life a misery or start afresh. To me the choice is easy, to you I think he has you under his spell, hopefully you will at some stage break away from it.
good luck.
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Lots of guys have problems accepting their girlfriend's past sexual history, no matter how innocent it was. But when it gets as pathological as it is with your guy, it's a relationship-breaker.
No matter how "wonderful" he is in every other respect, this "little flaw" of his a massive impediment to your continued happiness together. He is sick, and pampering or mollycoddling his sensitivities is NOT the way to deal with it. You have to show plainly and clearly that his behaviour is unacceptable to you. YOU have to break off the relationship for your own sanity. He's broken off this time but he'll be back again. Don't take him back, it will only get worse, and nothing you can do (short of breaking off with him) will help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): "How do i overcome all this" - by cutting all contact with him and never seeing him again. He's left you again, he's hurt you again. If he comes back, he'll only hurt you again and again. Can you arrange to see a counsellor. Can you get back in touch with your friends. You need help and support from the people around you. This guy is destroying you, you need to keep far away from him to keep yourself safe.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Sorry babes, all I can say is you've done nothing wrong. He's got the problem not you. Not every guy is like this, he's just one of those strange ones. Listen to what happytochat is trying to tell you. We're not lying when we say this guy is sick. Please, please believe us when we say it's good that he's gone because he likes to hurt and abuse women. Take care of you babes, everything will get better now he's gone.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (1 July 2008):
Hmmm where do I start? So many things to say about this relationship!!
You do recognise that this relationship with your ex bf was abusive right? If not, take a look at this website, hopefully it will make you understand: http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/
If you look at the relationship warning sign quiz I'm sure you will recognise alot that were in your relationship, such as jealousy stopping you from doing normal things, controlling behaviour through his anger, makes you feel like you are wrong...and probably plenty more as well.
**"Eventually i had to stop visiting places, I stopped going out with my friends, I stopped talking to anyone remotely related to the past... but it wasn't enough. He didn't trust me. I lied several times, and I'm not saying it's acceptable, but considering the circumstances, what was I supposed to do?"***
I understand why you lied. I do not believe that you are a bad person because of it. I think most people in your position would fear telling the truth because he admited he was a very jealous person and also due to his tone of voice whne asking you about it. The thing is, with abusers, nothing will ever be good enough for them. They are exstremly insecure and feel very inadequte, hence the excessive jealousy. So even the most innocent things will set off a bunch of insecurities in an abusive persons mind.
***"the funny thing is, then he'd ask for forgiveness, ask me to be patient, and I was. And things started looking great, we'd be ok, having a nice loving relationship, until things were going TOO good, and then BAM! Again with his jealousy, out of the blue he'd come up with something from the past, call me a whore and tell me it was over."***
Your relationship resemlbles the typical 'cycle of abuse' pattern.
Phase 1 - Tension Building:
Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim becomes fearful and feels the need to placate the abuser.
Phase 2 - Incident: Verbal, emotional, physical abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.
Phase 3 - Reconciliation:
Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims
Phase 4 - Calm:
Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place. The "Honeymoon" phase.
^ from this website: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.html
***"Today he told me "Ok, then, I won't tell you what I did with Gina last week until you're honest with me about your past!"." ***
Thats emotional blackmail!!! And its very immature. Even if you were in the wrong (which i do not believe you were), two wrongs do not make a right.
***"And now some other girl will have him for herself, and he'll love her and give her all I wanted, when I loved him with all my heart and that wasn't enough... not fair!"***
Dont be jealous of any new girl he gets because believe me, he will abuse her too. He didnt abuse you because you deserved it, because there was something wrong about you, because you were a whore, untrustworthy or because it was something pesonal against you, he abused you because he has a desperate need to be in control and in ANY relationship he goes into, he will struggle to be in control. But the reality is, in a healthy relationship no one is in control really, so if someone tries to gain all the control, it will turn abusive.
Please darling dont blame yourself for this, although I do understand why you are. Its very common for abuse victims to do this. But its not right. If it makes you feel better, if I was put in your situation I probably would of lied out of fear the first time too. I do not believe he had a good reason to be jealous and he certainly had no right to call you a whore.
Finally, take a look at this website:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157
I think you will find that your ex bf falls into many categories such as: qucik attachment and expression, kicking your self confidence, cutting off your support, the mean and sweet cycle, its always your fault, no outside interests, paranoid control, its never enough, walking on eggshells.
Thats def not a good relationship and although you may not see it now, be thankful that its over! You deserve os much more. I know you said your bf was soooo good on many other levels, but the thing is, a bf shoudlnt be good only someitmes or 'most of the time' he should always be good! There is NO EXCUSE for disrespect, excessive control & jealousy and abuse. Trust me, there are guys out there who will treat you right ALL THE TIME, even on days when they have had such a busy and stressful day at work- they will still treaty ou the way you deserve because they know that there is no excuse for abuse. Dont settle for somoene like your ex, realise you deserve more and you can get it.
I suggest some counselling or talking to someone about what has happened. There must be alot going on in your mind and its impossible to solve it all in one reply to your post.
Take care and I hope you find a way to heal :) If you want to talk feel free to PM me.
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A
male
reader, Flporrego  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Ok. This is coming from a guy that used to be the same way. Me. Ive been dating this girl for about 8 months and hey.. a lot of the stuff he did to you. i did to my girlfriend. I am her second boyfriend. We fell in love fast. I started getting jealous. she would tell me stuff about her past and i would just flip out on her. and i broke up with her a few times. That stopped when she finally ended it with me. something i NEVER thought she would do. When i broke up with her. i knew that i could take her back by acting all nice and stuff. and i was a dick. like a hugee dick. i was really mean. But when she broke up with me.. i broke down and apologized.. practically begged lol.. pretty pathetic but i loved her. and if he has apologized then he loves you.. he just takes you for granted a lot. let him know your not there just when he wants you there. that your not a toy. and you have to step up. you tell him. Hey, you either want to be with me or you dont. anytime he starts to get jealous just walk away and dont talk to hm until he apologizes. Understand he doesnt do this on purpose. Hes just really insucure. If he wants to change, he will. If he doesnt. then hes really not worth it. Best of Luck!! dont let him run your life!
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex  +, writes (1 July 2008):
You do need to leave him for good, no doubt he'll probal find some other girl straight away to make you jealous. but the way you should think of it like is because he gave you so much grief, he'll be giving her all tha grief and he's her problem now. Not Every guy is like that...far from it. There is better out there for you. trust me, if one relationship doesnt fit there's bound to be one out there that does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBTW, to him details like if I posted on the blog of a guy i used to have a crush on that made me a whore. If I lent a CD to a friend, that made me a whore... etc.
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