A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling pretty upset and am hoping someone can spare me the time to read my post.I have a sister who is 3 years younger than me- she has always been favoured by both my parents but my mother in particular...and they are very close- I'm often pushed out.I've never really understood why as I've never done anything to upset them or dissapoint them....In my own way, after 35 years I kind of came to deal with this... Or so I thought.2 years ago I got married. I was hoping that this occasion might bring me and my mother closer. However she took no interest in any of the wedding plans and only came to 1 wedding dress fitting - after I had picked the dress. She was always too busy to help me with anything and was more concerned about what my sister, as my bridesmaid was wearing!The only 1 thing I wanted for my wedding day was a brooch that both my grandmother and mother wore on their wedding days, I just wanted to wear it on the day as a memory of my grandmother who died and then give it back to my mother.My mother however as unable to find the brooch- she told me she looked everywhere but had no idea where it got too... and was reluctant to let me go over to her house for me to look for it.So suffice to say I didn't get to wear it on my wedding day.My sister got married last week and my mothers attitude was completely different- she couldn't do enough for my sister- they went to wedding fayres (she was always too busy to attend with me), dress shopping, venue looking....etc... But what really upset me was that my mother has miraculously found my grandmothers brooch so my sister wore it in her wedding day!!! My mother spent the entire day telling everyone how "special" that brooch was and how proud she was that her own daughter was now wearing it.... She made me cringe by how she was acting!The more I think if it, the more I'm convinced she didn't want me to wear it. When I asked her where she found it she was being quite vague about it which is why I'm pretty sure she lied to me on purpose.Opinions appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): I really feel for you. The one person who is supposed to give you unconditional love lets you down endlessly and in cruel ways. The dynamic is painful. I share a similar but different set of experiences. I had a breakthrough reading about narcissistic mothers who can place one child as their golden child and attention is focused on them. Reading about this topic helps. I also found amazing help in a book 'Will I ever be good enough' by Karyl McBride. Often people think how could you see bad in your own mother? Why are you picking on detail? You're not imagining it. I've been there too. X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): You have fixated on a brooch as the talisman for your resentment and bitterness toward your mother. While the tale is obviously designed to elicit our sympathy toward you as a child of a cold and biased mother, what it says to us is that here is a woman who at 30 something hasn't yet figured out that she's waiting for something that ain't gonna happen.Stop with the brooch and start with some therapy to deal with the feelings of resentment. If you're going to be upset every time your mother shows favoritism then you are destined for a long sad unhappy life.Best to deal with this now before you have children or you could find yourself transferring negative thought patterns to your children and perpetuate a cycle. Sorry your mother won't be fixed but you can heal yourself, should you choose to do so.To borrow a now trite phrase, you need to learn to let it go.Therapy now. Brooch means nothing against the soup of bitterness you're floating in.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (8 May 2016):
 I am sorry for you sweetie and while this may be hard for some people to understand, this situation is very real in my family too. People may say "oh you're just being too sensitive" or "You have an axe to grind" but its not that way. Cold hard truth is that my younger sister (only sister--just the two of us) always got treated better. My parents paid for her college, threw her a 10,000.00 wedding, gave her and her husband a plot of land to build a house, sold their house to move to the same city she lived in, I could go on and on and on...
I finally got the courage once to ask my mother why we were treated differently and my mom's response was "You never needed us, your sister did..." Uh..that wasn't the truth at all, I needed my parents too but I learned quickly on that they just wouldn't be there for me and I learned to make it on my own. I had to. My dad tried really hard to even things out and I know he felt badly that my sister was the favorite and I loved him for it. He knew.
My sister was very sickly as a child and still is and I guess in my parent's mind they molly coddled her because of it. This is the sister that was arrested for stealing, writing bad checks, (stealing from both her bosses and my parents)...
Don't misunderstand me..I love my sister and I loved my parents but it was never fair the way that we were treated. Sadly, I honestly don't know what you can do about it. It was and still is a hurt that I have buried deep inside. I'm not angry or resentful about it at my age but I never did understand it.
I'm sorry sweetie, its just the way some parents are. Its not right and its not fair, but it is what it is. Don't let it eat away at you is my best advice. When I was a teenager, it really hurt. It didn't matter how good my grades were, what my accomplishments were, they weren't enough because the focus was always on my sister. Its probably the reason why at 24 I married and moved 1/2 way across the country from my family. I got tired of being first born and second best. Over time, I learned to just let it go. My parents pretty much ignored my children but fawned over my sisters. My kids and husband both seen it and we went on with life.
And that's what I suggest you do. Live, love and be happy and accept that your mother is flawed.
I wish you all the best.
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