A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Good day! I just wanted to ask for some advice on how to deal with my present problem. I am a female Filipino Roman Catholic doctor presently working in Saudi Arabia as a medical resident doctor since year 2009. After just a few months of working here, I began to hate working in this country because of the racial discrimination as well as the bad traits of some of my co-workers, both Saudi and of other nationalities. I am just staying because of the salary which is very much higher than what I used to receive in the Philippines. My family is not with me,they are in the Philippines. I go home yearly to the Philippines for a two-month vacation. However in July 2015 after 15 years of marriage, my husband and I decided to have an annulment because our marriage was already beyond repair and he already had another woman. Their affair had been going on for 3 years already and it was clear that he had chosen this woman over me. We have two children, 15 years old and 10 years old. Of course as a result, I became a shattered and hurt woman who totally lost trust in men and who swore to never have anything to do with men again. Also, it made me resent working in Saudi Arabia more. At present, I am still waiting for the decision of the Philippine court if they will grant us our annulment. However this all changed in August 2015 when a new male doctor came to work with us. He is Jordanian and is a Muslim. Let's just call him Dr. S. He is a consultant internist and he was appointed as our new department head even though he is new because he is qualified. So technically he is my boss. And that's when my problem started. After what my ex-husband did to me, I thought that I could never be attracted to or could never admire another man again. But I guess I have moved on much sooner than I thought and this confirmed that I do not love my ex-husband anymore. At first I didn't feel anything for Dr. S. But as the months went by and I got to know him more, I secretly fell in love with him. He treats me nice, he always smiles at me, he always grabs the chance to talk to me, and sometimes I catch him staring at me. He treats my other female co-residents in a professional manner, but with me,he loosens up and at times I don't feel as if he is my boss, we can talk comfortably about our present patients and about our previous work experiences. Now with Dr. S around, surprisingly I find my workplace more pleasant and more tolerable now. I have never told anyone here in Saudi Arabia that my marriage is going to be annulled, what they know is that I am still happily married. I guess because I don't want people here to be gossiping about me. So if ever Dr. S had ever asked around about me, that is what he also knows. I don't dare ask him or his friends if he is married, he isn't wearing a wedding band but some married people do not wear their wedding bands,right? So my problem is that I love Dr. S already and with each passing day that I see him since he is my boss and cannot avoid him, it's just growing deeper. I am mature and old enough to know and I am sure that this is not just love on the rebound. He is the right man for me, and also the wrong man at the same time. First, he might be married and he just sees me as a friend. Second, even if he may be single and also feels something for me, I cannot commit to a relationship right now because I am still legally tied to my ex-husband and what if the court denies our petition for annulment? Then I still won't be free. Another thing is the difference in our nationalities,cultures,and religions. A relationship between an Arab Muslim and an Asian Catholic just spells outright disaster, it will take a lot of hard work,effort,understanding,and patience for it to work out. So please advise me how to fall out of love with Dr. S. Thank you.
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, fell in love, muslim, my boss, my ex, wedding, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): WiseOwlE, I have just read your reply to the OP's question and I feel the need to thank you personally, as it is so compassionate and deep. It moved me. I've been in a somewhat similar situation. Foreigner in a Western country (that's a slight difference ;), over-educated, under-appreciated and in my case even underpaid. I could not relate to people around me. They were too cold, too distant... I couldn't make any friends. I felt isolated. My marriage was on the rocks. My husband was having his own set of problems and since he's not a "multitasker" he had difficult time giving me the right kind of support when I needed it most.After almost a decade of such a life (yes, it is possible to survive for a decade and not be able to change your circumstances, I was in a rut turning into a someone I couldn't recognize!) I started having serious health problems and had to see a chiropractor. My God. He was amazing! Not at all like all the other people I met in that country. He was warm, open, no distance whatsoever, his patients adored him. He had me at hello. No kidding. I didn't feel awkward while he was treating me - he was professional and I have never mistaken his touch for anything else than treatment. However, we would stay and talk after our sessions and our chats were getting longer and longer. He would arrange our appointments so that I would either be his last patient and stay longer or be his first one and come earlier. He gave me his personal phone number and we went for a coffee a few times. So I did have some signals that my interest for him was not one sided. But I was no fool, thank God. He was my doctor and married at that. I knew that my situation was special and that in that period I wasn't getting from my husband the emotion and the support I needed. So I decided to use the great energy that I suddenly felt for self-improvement. I made a firm decision that no matter what I will not do anything inappropriate, but that as long as our relationship was to last (and stay professional with certain perks ;) I would "feed"on that energy. I felt as if I was getting my old self back.I firmly believe that some people come into our lives not to stay but to give us the boost we so badly need. Had I not been moved by him so deeply, had I not felt that I could move him in the same way, I wouldn't have been inspired to make some drastic changes in my health regime, appearance, attitude towards life and career. Funny thing. All of this has woken my husband up. I think that even though nothing happened, he got a feeling that he could lose me, that I am not a pair of comfy slippers he can leave at the same spot everyday and find them right where he had put them. I know that your marriage is over and that you cannot have the same effect on your husband, but your positive and strong energy could certainly attract someone else to spark your interest! As I grew more and more confident, I finally found the guts to quit my low paying job and started writing :) which in the long run not only paid better, but was my dream come true. Of course, it didn't happen overnight, but I felt so good and confident that I didn't allow myself to dwell on negative thoughts. Not that I didn't have them. I just found strength to deal with them.I remember him from time to time and I am eternally grateful to him for just being there. I saw him a year ago at the small, local theater, where one of my plays was put on - nothing fancy, quite a modest production. Needles to say I wasn't expecting to see him there (I have no idea how he got the ticket(s)). Instead of a handshake he gave me a hug. I had an impression that he was either an old friend, whom I haven't seen for ages, or a high-school boyfriend, certainly not my doctor :)Anyway, if you do not turn this situation into something that it isn't you can maybe find some comfort and more importantly be inspired! Focus on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Things will work out. Hang in there!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): I often caution people on this site on how they use the word love to describe their feelings for another person. For now, you are very fond of Dr. S, and that makes your feelings an infatuation at best. Love must be reciprocated. I read your post carefully. You are a very educated, articulate, and mature woman. So I know you know your feelings. However; I will help you to get a grip on things emotionally. If I may?
You are far from home, separated from family and your culture. You have a failed marriage, and your husband has left you for another woman. You are offering your services and professional talents in a country that is in its infancy, where women's rights are concerned. Being a woman, your education and intellect go under-appreciated; because it makes you competitive and equalizes you to your male-counterparts.
In spite of the fact that your talents are quite apparent, and demonstrated by your sheer competence and abilities.
This is contrary to old-traditional Arab/Muslim culture.
You are lonely and quite vulnerable; and your feelings need a place to rest. You've attached them to someone equal in intellect, kind, and responsive to you as a fellow human being. You share much professionally, just being in the same field. However; you must seriously understand that your feelings are very much on the rebound.
Where else can you dock your emotions? You must feel quite emotionally-isolated and abandoned? You haven't gotten over your husband, you are searching for a substitute. It is your only alternative to feeling the loneliness. You are human and you have needs.
Your circumstances are only temporary. Yet you must set your priorities, and organize your personal-life; before allowing your emotions to override your better judgement.
Simply put, you're not in-love. You are extremely lonely and vulnerable. You've taken a lot of hard hits, emotionally. You're down for the count, but there's a strength and natural resilience in you as a strong person, and you haven't let your situation totally over-whelm you. You simply found a haven and friendship. Keep it in that zone, my dear. His marital-status is irrelevant under your present circumstances. I will slap you with a little reason to revive your common-sense.
You're in dire need of kindness and affection. It isn't love you're feeling. It is just a familiar emotion, but it is quite mistaken for love. Endorphin-production may occur in his presence, and certainly his male pheromones will stimulate some natural response when you're close to each other. Let's put this in clinical terms, and logic will find its place.
You're not in-love, but you've found a natural bond and closeness facilitated by your professional-ties. Rightfully, you have kept your feelings in check; but you still must deal with your internalized emotions. They are also a little stimulated by fantasy. I mean no offense by trivializing your feelings, and make no attempt to analyze you; and tell you what your feelings are. I only offer you a non-emotional and more logical approach to your feelings for this man.
You have to place your romantic feelings on hold, and allow compassion and discernment to reign over this situation. You're receiving no feedback, and that in itself should give you pause. He's nicer to you than to the others; perhaps because you're more responsive. They are stiff and detached. Human-nature is the same regardless of education.
Detachment, ignorance, and unfriendliness are just the downside of what it is to be human. You'd expect better from doctors. People devoted to healthcare and saving lives.
He is friendly, compassionate, gentle, and so are you. So that puts you in a comfortable place, finally. All others are professionally-stiff, prejudiced, and non-receptive. He's your lifesaver in a turbulent sea.
Please don't be insulted by what I've offered you in advice. I'm simply advising you to get your personal-life in order. Wait and see how the annulment works out, stay professional; and use your logic to realize that love has to be reciprocated, in order to grow and be real.
Crushes and professional-admiration produce the same feel-good hormones; and sometimes loneliness clouds the judgement and blurs the vision. Even to the point we deceive ourselves, and may become misguided on how we feel about other people. Misinterpreting our own emotions, if not theirs.
As a couple, you hold more differences than you could ever rationally overcome; considering how frail you are from what you are going through with your marriage and professional-life. You have a long period of emotional and psychological healing/recovery ahead of you. Romance is simply impractical under your present state-of-affairs. Friendship and/or comradeship is enough for now. Not until you have a handle on your feelings about him, of course.
Perhaps you'll be ready when the rebound feelings pass. Your intelligence and sense of logic will see to that.
Have I made any sense here?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 May 2016):
 The definition of rebound is not that it's temporary or it won't grow deeper. One can stay in rebound forever if she decides so. You fall out of love by looking at the reality. Even if you get your divorced processed and are now free to date, Muslim men do not date divorced women or those with children, as they are baggage. Or they would gladly have sex with single moms, but will not marry them.
You can try dating other Filipinos there, you can't trust that they are not really married. There are not many choices in a restrictive country. If you come to Canada it's more open and liberal. You can also convince your children to study there. Though I know that moving is not that simple and easy. Filipinos are very happy here.
...............................
|
